Past

How different it may feel for me but to be honest, I've been so down these past few days. Including this Christmas season. There are so many reasons for that but it would take a thousand words and a lot to scroll down if I would ever dare to post it here.

First, it's past 4 AM now and I am still wide awake here in front of this computer because I feel the need to be here. In fact, I just sneaked out from the house and went down here in the office to use the computer. Sadly, my computer at my mother's house have been beaten down wildly by them. They might have used it so badly, it doesn't open anymore.

I am just here to speak up some truth, I guess after all, things that happened have eternal reasons to it.

I was talking with Richard about some things that happened in the past two years. There are things that I discussed with him that happened before I actually met him and things that happened before, that he was in fact there when in happened but he hadn't paid any notice to it. Our conversation started with the thing about how my memory was so 'real-time' and 'charged with a bigger memory space' when it comes to memorizing and remembering things that happened in the past. Like what color his shirt was or when was it happened exactly or the worse was the entire conversation I had with people or other people's entire conversation with others and its complete sentences that I actually remember.

And we found it was serious to deal with when he, on the opposite, doesn't pay much attention at all.

It struck me with the idea of anything that when something happens, the images, the sounds, the words, the colors, the smell, the people's facial expressions and even the entire event will stay in my head for the rest of my life as long as I live. And it scares me.

That is why I am here.

I just can't sleep.

Because of something that happened.

It's like a record, kept of tuning into my head.

L.I.S.

LAST IMAGE SYNDROME

Well, that is the first matter that I want to discuss here. Long enough? Yes, that is why I have no intention to tell all the tales because this would become a novel-- an excerpt from my mind.

The second one is.. Becoming our class president became so tiring that I feel the need to slap anyone's face just to make it at school. My classmates are all bastards. Of course, except Melisa, Jessie, Yrika, Alvie and Jonas. They are my friends. The rest? Yes, bastards.

Off topic: I'm currently illegally downloading the movie The Scarlet Letter because it is a project in World Literature. We have to watch a movie and make a movie review. Sounds so American High School, eh?

Back to our topic, I have so many things in hand that my hands are not enough to do those things. This third matter is that, I feel like quitting school. Of course I won't. Though we can't predict my stupid mind would make when things go wrong.

And speaking of things going wrong, I made a bad, so bad mistake last Christmas day. If confessions would permit.. I stole something. Okay, enough.

The next one are.. Losing weight, sticking to the 'First things first' and being positive have been so much an issues nowadays. I'm having my lowest self-esteem so far in recent years! And if that neighbor wasn't that grumpy at all, I would have screamed like Rose.. Telling the whole world that I am indeed the queen of the world.. Then why things are so hard for a 24-year-old-student?

The most saddening part this week is finding out that a dear friend of mine have died last week, days before Christmas. The thing is, I was thinking if the steel bars on the second floor in our house could hold my weight if I tried to hang myself there with a rope. I know this is so silly but having been so deeply depressed like these, it would be impossible not to try killing myself before the Man Upstairs.

I was really waiting for a miracle that is why I stole that..

Urg! Enough Elleine, enough.

So there.

That are some of my concerns at the moment.

I'm seeing things and people. And I believe it is just insanity.

I know that I have to take myself back on the track, keep going and forget the past.

But how? When now, my definition of the past have changed just in a week. For me, 'past' is 'my friend' and 'all their lies' and 'heartaches' and my very own 'illness'.

Anyway, how to get myself altogether is a question so far because I'm in a hurry to do all the things to do. I only have a week to do school and house stuffs before the school resumes on January 5!

I even have a report in Presentation on that day if I'm SOOOOO lucky!

Pahinako, let us be together my friend for a long, long time!

Help me fix this trouble of mine this holiday.

I want a really beautiful New Year.

2015

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because they were the ones to do that. I technically no right at all.

:)

(c) Teenagers

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Okay

I'm determined to end this year as fruitful and better as possible.

bow

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God 

gives

his

hardest

battles 

to 

the

bravest

soldiers

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Why and What

I was in outer space recently. It was hard to navigate around things when I can't figure myself at all. What do I want? What do I have to do? Why am I so scared? Why thing are so hard? Why and Why and What and What?

Being depressed is being like.. 

Just like that.

Nothing.

Argggg!

Post-Merry-Christmas

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credit goes to the owner/s

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Christmas and I

It's been a hell of a week for me and worse, I found myself doing some not-so-nice-things just to make things better. Anyway, there is something far worse than that because here I am, spending my Christmas day and night alone. Literally, alone.

Though it was better last night. We were at my mom's house for once, all of us including JB who brought 2 gallons of ice cream. I went there as early as 3 PM yesterday to help my mother to prepare our dishes.

But here I am, alone in this place, making my own dinner and feeling the feel of a depressed one. All of them have their own agendas, while me, who have nothing to spare now swimming myself to a liter of coca-cola to compensate on some loss.


How Merry my Christmas, indeed.


This is the most depressing Christmas I have so far and I won't like to have one in the future.
Maybe I should plan the next coming Christmas?

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credit goes to the owner/s.

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The Man Upstairs

I didn't slept well last night. It wasn't a sleep interruption either. I just can't sleep at all when half the people in the world were already dreaming and resting. I just can't. Something have been bothering my worthless mind, eating it up, chewing. Maybe "that" worry already swallowed my sense of thinking. I can't think better than to worry all the worries in the world.

I just can't think better than to worry about the future.

In fact, sleep visited me around 3 AM and I was already in motion just past 7 AM, how insane could that be? Dangling about so many worries in life, I could die just by thinking about them. In my mind, they are life-size, life-changing worries.

Sorry, but I know that the world have already so many worries to worry about but I have my life and the lives around me to worry, too.

But they haven't even mind worrying about me, how sweet is that?


Forgive me about this.

I still got to wake up in this precious day, I have my ever-so-favorite-coffee beside me, waiting for me to gulp it. I'm even typing this post in my four-month old tablet while listening to Taylor Swift's Mean (remembering my meanest classmate who insulted me through a chat message in Facebook) using this big, red headphones that really sounded good to my little ears, AND still I worry about the future.

THAT future actually belongs to me, courtesy of the Man Upstairs. Until then, it's up to Him whether He will let me continue my studies or I would end up being as bastard as I am, walking the walk of a person applying for a low-paying job. Until then, it is up to Him.

I hated to say this but I am more willing to gamble just to continue my college.
To be honest, this is the toughest time of the year, just days before the Christmas.

I was, four months ealier, trying to save the Christmas. But it turned out, it was me who destroyed out little, solemn Christmas. It was my greed that caused us to break apart. With them, it was heaven and hell. But here alone, I can't see how the Hell look like but I can feel all the fire, burning me, roasting me to the bones.


And I hate this feeling. I pitied me.
I wish the Man Upstairs would do something for me, though I doubt it. There are so many people in need than me.

But still, I'm wishing.

Hoping.

Dreaming the dream.

Hey, gear up!

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Knot it


Tie it fiercly and hang it.
So that it won't fall. Without. Your. Consent.

Okay, enough Elleine. It won't make things any better.
The hell with me? I've been talking to myself in front of every stuff that shows my reflection. I even talked to myself looking though a glass of water.

So much for insanity attack.

And speaking of attack, my status quos at the moment are..
In a relationship

the coffee is the same

haven't watched TV for so long, it seemed years

still downloading movies illegally and watching only the good ones

still puchasing, reading, and collecting books (haven't read the 29 paperbacks I bought 3 months ago)

haven't strum a string from my guitar for 2 months

wearing a new uniform at school
became our class president out of my constant refusal

have weighted more!

been insane for weeks..

been using multiple gadgets all at the same time (radiation would soon kill me first hand)

have multiple-complex worries and problems

struggling to lose weight

been sick so many times I don't know how to be well

been struggling at meeting ends at school (Oh, please me)

in the process of loving life..








Oh how I wish I could do more, become more, have endless patience, have endless faith, and to have a body that won't sleep so I could all the things needed to be done before the time's up.




But hey, I'm looking for the new years blessings! :)

Maria

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12-13-14


The day that actually comes also in every a century's turn.

But first, I had a conversation with Richard about today's date. He said that the numbers were cool, 12-13-14. December 13, 2014. And I said that this happened before, just a hundred year ago.

Then I thought to myself, what kind of life would it be hundred year from today? I guessed that it would less people and more robots.

And without me.

MOVE!

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Interrupted

It says somewhere in cyber that an Interrupted sleep is like a night without sleep.
And I guess it's true.

There are things that I realized right now, just as about I woke up from an interrupted sleep..

First, I realized again, for the thousand times that I am a homeless person.
Second, That the only "home" that I acknowledge ever is now inside heart..
Third, That my soul was left there.

Amazing that there are things that stays, even thought I fought for my own happiness, it still doesn't go. It's hard. I guess it would be quite difficult to settle this when I am too busy making my supposed constructed life out of realization.

Sofalaz will always be my home. Even if it would be changed in many other forms, it will always be our Sofalaz, the place where I left my heart. The place where I have stated dreaming..

Anyway, it's already 5 AM and I am just waiting for a text message from our NSTP professor if we will having a class today.

So many things have happened. One of them is that I was elected as the new President for my section 1D, though I never imagined it would happen, it happened. The thing is, being in position is really tiring. I guess being a president is being a slave. In my opinion.

Anyway again, it's been a helluva of a morning right now because my sleep was interrupted by a dream. It's not a nightmare at all, but it doesn't look like a dream either. This one repeats itself in different forms but happens on that same place...

That's why it's hard.. For me.. For us..


Help me.
Please.




Oh, another thing that I realized is that, I'm beginning to like Jamie Campbell Bower. :) Yeah, the brit actor. ^^

#furniture

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credit goes to the owner/s.

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