Since I am a jobless one, I can't buy books. I have nothing to spare. Duh?
But there's this e-books that could help me have my hobby feed from.. :D
I have to be smart..
Hahahahaha...
Downloading now! ^^
_____________________
27 September 2013
All is not so well..
How can I ever be positive?
Like I can smile even if there's no particular reason?
Not that I want to act like a crazy one but being happy is a choice. And when I thought choosing to be happy, really do it, things doesn't make sense anymore.
We want to be happy.
It's just that there are one or two people that are TOO selfish.
We end up being the victims.
How can I ever be positive?
Like I can smile even if there's no particular reason?
Not that I want to act like a crazy one but being happy is a choice. And when I thought choosing to be happy, really do it, things doesn't make sense anymore.
We want to be happy.
It's just that there are one or two people that are TOO selfish.
We end up being the victims.
Please. Make peace.
______________________________
A Thousand Years
Christina Perri
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
_________________________
CONSTANT COMPANION
I'm sick again for almost a week. Typhoon Odette might kill me in no time if it won't leave soon.
How sick can I ever be? Seems like I never been well at all. These flu and cold has been my constant companion ever since. And ever since I was diagnosed, it feels like it never leave me. Like it was just there, waiting to be called.
Oh well amigas..medicines doesn't seem to work at all inside my body.
I'm sick again for almost a week. Typhoon Odette might kill me in no time if it won't leave soon.
How sick can I ever be? Seems like I never been well at all. These flu and cold has been my constant companion ever since. And ever since I was diagnosed, it feels like it never leave me. Like it was just there, waiting to be called.
Oh well amigas..medicines doesn't seem to work at all inside my body.
_________________________
20 September 2013
Another cellphone
In my entire blogging career, I had shared many of my stories with you. One of them is whenever I have a new stuff. So does having a new cellphone was one of them.
A beggar like me, received an iPhone 4S from someone later last month and was surprised for her genuine consideration of my presence. Maybe so annoyed that she gave me something to shut up for. Well in fact, I don't need a new one because I have a cellphone, so far.
A cellphone I rarely use.
For emergency only.
I am not so used to technology and even if I am born in the modern time, it's hard to get used to so many gadgets. Ehem, that's only my opinion.
I'm a vintage, you know.
Plowing, planting, growing, harvesting, sewing, making management stuff and so on are the things that I am oriented to do.
Oh, well, the phone is just up-right good. :)
_________________________
In my entire blogging career, I had shared many of my stories with you. One of them is whenever I have a new stuff. So does having a new cellphone was one of them.
A beggar like me, received an iPhone 4S from someone later last month and was surprised for her genuine consideration of my presence. Maybe so annoyed that she gave me something to shut up for. Well in fact, I don't need a new one because I have a cellphone, so far.
A cellphone I rarely use.
For emergency only.
I am not so used to technology and even if I am born in the modern time, it's hard to get used to so many gadgets. Ehem, that's only my opinion.
I'm a vintage, you know.
Plowing, planting, growing, harvesting, sewing, making management stuff and so on are the things that I am oriented to do.
Oh, well, the phone is just up-right good. :)
_________________________
18 September 2013
Unconscious Therapy
When I resigned from my job two years ago, everything that I know was just as clueless as a blurred eyes. No hint on where I'm heading for. North? All I know was I was falling down-right south.
Moods, feelings, future dreams, confidence, baths, waistline, weight, diseases have gone to worse that one can think of. It was more easy to go downhill that climbing up again. You have to build every thing that are 'buildable', and only you can do that one at a time.
So I have to build them one by one. I have to do this because things are build like there. This way. No shortcuts.
And when I was starting to build my dreams that was lost along the way, came the untimely moving drama. I hate moving things. Not because I'm too lazy but because it destroys my trying-to-be-peaceful-mind. And hell there is no way not to do those things. Up until yesterday, I moved things the way they have to be moved. Messy.
And here I am, gonna build those things again.
From the songs that I used to listen to the food that I used to eat, to the things that I used to do.. This would gonna be a rollercoaster ride again.
I missed a lot. Them. Those. These.
The old big Sofalaz. My family. Myself.
But I miss myself more.
I have few dreams about the old big Sofalaz. Sometimes, I would dream for 4 consecutive days just about the old shop. The scene was just the old memories I have with it. And when I wake up, more than crying, I feel so sad. Like there's this hole in my chest that was left, hanging, waiting to be fetched up, longing. I can't explain how it hurts but it does really hurt. Like a knife slowly digging into my heart. Gross.
Was these things are part of my personal unconscious therapy? I've gone to a therapy after I recovered from my illness and it doesn't work. I realized that there are these things that only you can do it, alone and by yourself. You can't do it just by confessing how things felt for you. These are the chapters of my life that I don't need someone to talk to. I need myself more, my sanity and conscious self altogether to make it to another day. Maybe make it to another meal. :)
For these past years, I know, I needed my solitary life that trying to fit into someone else's group. I've had enough trying to fit into somebody else's life. I need mine now.
Like listening to my own favorite music, eating what feels like delicious than avoiding the ones that are not allowed. Getting home late when all I do was walk. Walk at night more, plant more, talk to them more, live my days more, breathe more, look at the sky and stars at night more.. Dude, I want to live more.
And I guess, whatever comes my way is just part of my personal therapy. I won't rush things anymore. And I would someday become a good person and that I know, where ever am I going, I'm going there right, honest and true.
______________________
Whatever II
So what next? When I already made a lot of "moving things"..it looks like there's nothing to do anymore.
Yesterday, after I forced my mother to have at least some mercy on me, until she finally told me to move out of Bukid and move in here, a house she rented when Sofalaz II collapsed.
It seems like half my life I have spent on 'moving out' here, 'moving in' there.. You know, moving things have been a hobby of my family but! I hate moving things. I like cleaning them, though, but moving things, transferring them was hell. I have to carry tons and tons of things and there is no way to bring them back here than carrying them, hiring a truck for rent and trying to act as if this is the first time I ever have my move out thing when it was the only thing I've done this year, so far.
So I'm with my city life style.
Have you ever think why I was there, in Bukid, when my whole family was like, here. The answer is that, I have to look after not just for the customer's furnitures that consists Narra woods and metal frames but also, most of our personal stuffs was there. Somebody have to be there, looking at our stuffs. Because people here are like.. Yeah. You got it.
MOST of my personal stuff was there. Though it looks like more of a bodega, it became my home for more that 3 months. Building this, building that. Making roofs, making fences. Planting these here, burrowing those there. And dude, I'm just a little girl trying to do whatever my mother would tell me. Until came the time when I no longer want to do those things.
It was messy. And cruel. And disappointing.
I hate them. But I hate myself more.
I have to sleep UNDER the sky and I have to eat in the dark- alone. I have to build fire when there's these stormy nights that kept me awake until wee hours. That I have to cook using the used woods I've collected. And the worst part is that, there's no water, no electricity, no bathroom. I have to buy my own drinking water and walk a mile just to take a bath. I have to make a roof every now and then. And I have to pee in the corner and I'm alone. No one's there. No one had cared. No one had visited me. No-every-god-damn-one had ever thought of their things other than me, who is jobless and nothing to do that look after their belongings. Like a caretaker but without pay.
Oh I have to do these until I got a job or until I won the lottery and be able to fly away.
So what next? When I already made a lot of "moving things"..it looks like there's nothing to do anymore.
Yesterday, after I forced my mother to have at least some mercy on me, until she finally told me to move out of Bukid and move in here, a house she rented when Sofalaz II collapsed.
It seems like half my life I have spent on 'moving out' here, 'moving in' there.. You know, moving things have been a hobby of my family but! I hate moving things. I like cleaning them, though, but moving things, transferring them was hell. I have to carry tons and tons of things and there is no way to bring them back here than carrying them, hiring a truck for rent and trying to act as if this is the first time I ever have my move out thing when it was the only thing I've done this year, so far.
So I'm with my city life style.
Have you ever think why I was there, in Bukid, when my whole family was like, here. The answer is that, I have to look after not just for the customer's furnitures that consists Narra woods and metal frames but also, most of our personal stuffs was there. Somebody have to be there, looking at our stuffs. Because people here are like.. Yeah. You got it.
MOST of my personal stuff was there. Though it looks like more of a bodega, it became my home for more that 3 months. Building this, building that. Making roofs, making fences. Planting these here, burrowing those there. And dude, I'm just a little girl trying to do whatever my mother would tell me. Until came the time when I no longer want to do those things.
It was messy. And cruel. And disappointing.
I hate them. But I hate myself more.
I have to sleep UNDER the sky and I have to eat in the dark- alone. I have to build fire when there's these stormy nights that kept me awake until wee hours. That I have to cook using the used woods I've collected. And the worst part is that, there's no water, no electricity, no bathroom. I have to buy my own drinking water and walk a mile just to take a bath. I have to make a roof every now and then. And I have to pee in the corner and I'm alone. No one's there. No one had cared. No one had visited me. No-every-god-damn-one had ever thought of their things other than me, who is jobless and nothing to do that look after their belongings. Like a caretaker but without pay.
Oh I have to do these until I got a job or until I won the lottery and be able to fly away.
__________________________
15 September 2013
Butterflies
Two consecutive days, when I was alone in Bukid last week, a black with big white circles butterfly
has been my accompany the whole afternoon. The butterfly came from no where and won't leave
me no matter I tried to shoo-shoo it away.
It was because I have this scary feeling with the butterfly. I don't touch dogs, my family has a
history when this particular dog bit my younger brother with its 2 long fangs and a long teeth and
it was like, we were going to lose my younger brother that day. And it was some 13 years ago
and hell, when it comes to animals and insects, they are all the same. Same goes to the butterfly
who feels like lying in my knee cap.
Since I was alone, I was so scared and don't know what to do. It keeps on flyng and lying at the
same time. Until I feel, it's not that harmful. They are in fact harmless. And they are my
accompany for two days. Two look-a-like butterflies was my buddy that day. :)
And I even got the one pictured.
________________________
A Farmer's Life
When we moved here in Bukid, I have to do lot of things-- changes, to be exact. Because the land
was kind of low, and when it rains, it floods like we're in the Pacific Ocean. And when it rains, it
does rains like hell. Seems like the whole Frog Kingdom was there and the snails kind of
reproductive out there. Haha.
Half part of the land, we made a house and a bodega and the other half is our little farm!
But the good thing is, my grown up plants make some progress.
Well first, before you can be a good planter, you must know the basics for each of your growing
plants.
When we were in Paradise, I've grown tomatoes, chillis, tanglad, calamansi, dalandan, and gabi.
Calamansi, chillis and dalandan grow slow but the thing is that all of them can be grown and taken
care of the same way or method. Some of them needed more sunlight, while some of them
needed more water and the soil have to be always wet and moisturize.
Since I'm an entrepreneur wannabe, I managed my time to look after them everyday in Bukid. In
Bukid, I planted the same plants because they are easy and I'm just starting my farmer's life. You
can't plant mangoes and expect the same result after a month. Duh? Mangoes need at least five
years to grow and have its own ripe mangoes. It would be better to grow plants that are easy,
right? I added egg plant, pandan, and malunggay. My mother, on the other side grew roses. Now
she have red roses just outside and when it rains, they bloom so fast. The egg plant needed more
sunlight and water and cannot be planted near the other plants because they tend to get a lot of
nutrients from the soil and when you grow them up along with the other one in a small place, I'll
bet the other ones will never grow or they end up dying. You don't want to see your tomatoes that
has a lot of leaves and a budding tomato wannabe die because of that selfish egg plant. Hehe.
When planting, all you need to invest is your little time, a lot of patience and trust that somehow,
some day, they will grow.
Planting have been a hobby for me for the past 4 months and it was a good way to wash away my
worries and it cleanses my soul, like yoga. Maybe because I'm doing the thing I like to do, and
loving it along the way. It's like a personal therapy. Planting, taking care of them, seeing them
growing, and blooming was one of my biggest accomplishment. To be able to contribute to my
mankind and nature was something to be proud of and at the same time, make me feel like I'm
also a blooming human being. :)
I'm progressing now. I don't need to rush things like I did before. All I need is to be patient and
put some trust..in me. ^^
When we moved here in Bukid, I have to do lot of things-- changes, to be exact. Because the land
was kind of low, and when it rains, it floods like we're in the Pacific Ocean. And when it rains, it
does rains like hell. Seems like the whole Frog Kingdom was there and the snails kind of
reproductive out there. Haha.
Half part of the land, we made a house and a bodega and the other half is our little farm!
But the good thing is, my grown up plants make some progress.
Well first, before you can be a good planter, you must know the basics for each of your growing
plants.
When we were in Paradise, I've grown tomatoes, chillis, tanglad, calamansi, dalandan, and gabi.
Calamansi, chillis and dalandan grow slow but the thing is that all of them can be grown and taken
care of the same way or method. Some of them needed more sunlight, while some of them
needed more water and the soil have to be always wet and moisturize.
Since I'm an entrepreneur wannabe, I managed my time to look after them everyday in Bukid. In
Bukid, I planted the same plants because they are easy and I'm just starting my farmer's life. You
can't plant mangoes and expect the same result after a month. Duh? Mangoes need at least five
years to grow and have its own ripe mangoes. It would be better to grow plants that are easy,
right? I added egg plant, pandan, and malunggay. My mother, on the other side grew roses. Now
she have red roses just outside and when it rains, they bloom so fast. The egg plant needed more
sunlight and water and cannot be planted near the other plants because they tend to get a lot of
nutrients from the soil and when you grow them up along with the other one in a small place, I'll
bet the other ones will never grow or they end up dying. You don't want to see your tomatoes that
has a lot of leaves and a budding tomato wannabe die because of that selfish egg plant. Hehe.
When planting, all you need to invest is your little time, a lot of patience and trust that somehow,
some day, they will grow.
Planting have been a hobby for me for the past 4 months and it was a good way to wash away my
worries and it cleanses my soul, like yoga. Maybe because I'm doing the thing I like to do, and
loving it along the way. It's like a personal therapy. Planting, taking care of them, seeing them
growing, and blooming was one of my biggest accomplishment. To be able to contribute to my
mankind and nature was something to be proud of and at the same time, make me feel like I'm
also a blooming human being. :)
I'm progressing now. I don't need to rush things like I did before. All I need is to be patient and
put some trust..in me. ^^
_________________
The Shooting, A Memoir
I'm still in my reading habits and even if we don't have a house anymore, I still buy, read, and
collects them like antique stuff.
I've read a lot but wasn't able to share the ones I've read to you, my ever dearest blog.
But here, I'm going to share the book that catches my attention and would catch your breath
when you read this.
The book is entitled The Shooting, A Memoir and it was written by Kemp Powers. Dude, it was one
of the most heartbreaking true story of a young man. Though I can't put the right words to say, it
was a beautiful book that I want to recommend.
I thank the author for his bravery to share this story with us. A beautifully written story that
touches not only our lives but also make us think of the things that's happening around us.
And there was this part that I really like..
I'm still in my reading habits and even if we don't have a house anymore, I still buy, read, and
collects them like antique stuff.
I've read a lot but wasn't able to share the ones I've read to you, my ever dearest blog.
But here, I'm going to share the book that catches my attention and would catch your breath
when you read this.
The book is entitled The Shooting, A Memoir and it was written by Kemp Powers. Dude, it was one
of the most heartbreaking true story of a young man. Though I can't put the right words to say, it
was a beautiful book that I want to recommend.
I thank the author for his bravery to share this story with us. A beautifully written story that
touches not only our lives but also make us think of the things that's happening around us.
And there was this part that I really like..
"Even now it seems like an impossible act of charity: the ultimate gift, given to a person who
didn't deserve one."
- The Shooting, A Memoir
Kemp Powers
_________________________
Separation
Never been in a beautiful yet tragic relationship like I have right now with you. But we both know
that no matter how much the attention and effort we gave for each other, it won't be enough to
cover the pretentions in it.
I'm sorry for all the troubles I gave you since you met me and the troubles you gave me won't
happen again. Ever, in this lifetime.
You made me want to dream again, taught me so many things and loved me unconditionally but, I
could never reciprocate, nor give you the amount of love you've given me.
When I said I want my freedom, you didn't easily give it to me. You waited until I'm on my knees,
begging for my freedom.
And here we are, counting the days before we will finally separated out each of our lives in this
messy relationship. Krung, I want you to know that I did love you from the beginning and that I
did everything to rescue this relationship but then again, you have never cooperated with me. All
you want is to have a girlfriend to call with. So have your own life back and I'm gonna do
everything to have my own freedom back.
I'm going to be happy, even if your away from me. I can soon be able to breath again, and love
myself again.
I love you.
I know you love me, too.
And goodbye.
Never been in a beautiful yet tragic relationship like I have right now with you. But we both know
that no matter how much the attention and effort we gave for each other, it won't be enough to
cover the pretentions in it.
I'm sorry for all the troubles I gave you since you met me and the troubles you gave me won't
happen again. Ever, in this lifetime.
You made me want to dream again, taught me so many things and loved me unconditionally but, I
could never reciprocate, nor give you the amount of love you've given me.
When I said I want my freedom, you didn't easily give it to me. You waited until I'm on my knees,
begging for my freedom.
And here we are, counting the days before we will finally separated out each of our lives in this
messy relationship. Krung, I want you to know that I did love you from the beginning and that I
did everything to rescue this relationship but then again, you have never cooperated with me. All
you want is to have a girlfriend to call with. So have your own life back and I'm gonna do
everything to have my own freedom back.
I'm going to be happy, even if your away from me. I can soon be able to breath again, and love
myself again.
I love you.
I know you love me, too.
And goodbye.
___________________________
23rd
So I turned 23 last month and there were no other special thing that happened that day other than the shouting, the yelling, the throwing this thing over there and the slapping somebody else's face over here.
And I even made a roof out of plastic roofing. Don't know what they call this thing but it has an orange and blue colors in it. I did it the whole afternoon. Digging a hole and trying to make a wallfooting so that the roof I'm gonna make won't collapse. At least for the meantime I'm going to stay there.
You know when you try your best not to be bother by so many of life's bullshit and yet you feel, like, you were some kind of a furious little kid digging a hole before the sun sets and trying to make ends meet, was something. It's like trying to do the things most possible at the time and wait for something to happen.
Well, after cooking for my own birthday, and got a new guitar.. We were then so busy transferring out things from here to there. Hard to explain, but nonetheless, so tiring.
I ended that day with the " pretender's spirit ".
Trying to be in love when I'm not.
Nonsense.
Conclusion?
I hate my birthday this year.
I wish I had more than that. I don't want a new guitar nor the food we had prepared.. I want my freedom more and the family I had before.
So I turned 23 last month and there were no other special thing that happened that day other than the shouting, the yelling, the throwing this thing over there and the slapping somebody else's face over here.
And I even made a roof out of plastic roofing. Don't know what they call this thing but it has an orange and blue colors in it. I did it the whole afternoon. Digging a hole and trying to make a wallfooting so that the roof I'm gonna make won't collapse. At least for the meantime I'm going to stay there.
You know when you try your best not to be bother by so many of life's bullshit and yet you feel, like, you were some kind of a furious little kid digging a hole before the sun sets and trying to make ends meet, was something. It's like trying to do the things most possible at the time and wait for something to happen.
Well, after cooking for my own birthday, and got a new guitar.. We were then so busy transferring out things from here to there. Hard to explain, but nonetheless, so tiring.
I ended that day with the " pretender's spirit ".
Trying to be in love when I'm not.
Nonsense.
Conclusion?
I hate my birthday this year.
I wish I had more than that. I don't want a new guitar nor the food we had prepared.. I want my freedom more and the family I had before.
___________________________
14 September 2013
A New One
I received a new guitar. It was a gift given to me on my birthday last month, August 7. The one who gave me? Let's not talk about that.
It was a junior guitar. Came all the way from the store, the only pink they got and was like given to me without any wrapper. Boy, didn't you never seen my face that day? Pretty impressed. Pleased. I can't keep my lips from smiling. ☺
Oh so, the way it look so well, it's also manageable to play.
I received a new guitar. It was a gift given to me on my birthday last month, August 7. The one who gave me? Let's not talk about that.
It was a junior guitar. Came all the way from the store, the only pink they got and was like given to me without any wrapper. Boy, didn't you never seen my face that day? Pretty impressed. Pleased. I can't keep my lips from smiling. ☺
Oh so, the way it look so well, it's also manageable to play.
_______________________-
13 September 2013
A countdown
I never imagine things would turn out like this. So disastrous and ugly. But there is a 'but' there.. Hanging like a fine thread needed to be appreciated.
To this day I want to share the things that have change dramatically since last year.
You know how things can be so deadly inevitable? It's hard to explain. But I don't want to put it here in details, it would just break my heart once again.
Today is Friday and Papa, would be back home this month! Yes, he will surely arrive here at around 10 PM on September 23, co-incidentally, is the evening before his birthday. He would be here soon. Thank you Papa Jesus.
In fact, his arrival was too long-overdue. His contract was finished last May and because of Ramadan, he needed to extend his stay in Dubai. And gosh, things here while he was out there became so gross every day and I wasn't even able to sit here, yes, I wasn't. I just can't stop working and sit and type and share and post it here. See, I even had my very own hiatus because I just can't have my rest.
So here it goes..
Last year, we needed to move out, our first move out from the Big Sofalaz last May 25, 2012. Things gone worse, we can't keep Big Sofalaz running anymore and had to terminate our lease on the first week of October last year and we were just..HOMELESS. No water. No electricity. No roof to stay. No civil neighbor. No caring relative to turn on. Just US. Ourselves. We salvaged what we can salvage. And left what should be left out.
Then came Paradise. But it wasn't really a 'Paradise'. In fact, it was a hell-inside-of-a-shell place.
There's Criselyn. There's the Bataan Boys. And Richard.
Richard had became my downfall.
Now I know I am not capable of turning an intimate relationship into something.
The boyfriend-girlfriend thing just show the worst on us.
Became greedy and selfish.
It turned out, Karma just gave the both of us the benefit of the doubt.
No one had committed cheating. Nor violation.
We have enough trust on each other until I run out of trust in our relationship and trust in myself.
I don't know if I love him the way I loved him before.
I don't know if I trust him enough the way I trusted him with my life before.
I don't know if I still care for him.
I don't know if our so-called love for each other is still burning hot like a lava or was the I Love You's were just a fling in the air.
And that the only thing I know and sure of is the fact that I love myself more, care for myself more, respect for myself more and I'm on the process of trusting myself once again.
That I don't think I love him anymore. For so many months, my heart had lied, not just to him but also to my own self.
I want my freedom as soon as possible.
And I'm working on it.
On the other hand, I also started my very own business on the first quarter of this year. It turned out so well when it comes to profit but there were these people that doesn't just stole my client, my products as well. Scumbag!
I'll continue with my virtue as long as I'm sane. I have so many plans and dreams with my business making it to the mass market. :)
I'm young and would love to live with my dreams that are becoming true.
Funny isn't it? I spent most of the years I've been jobless looking for a job, applying here and there. Begging for allowances but still find not to actually worry about money. I wasn't born rich. My status quo would be: 23 years old, jobless, in a relationship but it's so complicated, drum-like waistline, unruly hair, darker than ever, and a struggled entrepreneur wannabe, a full-pledge Farmer and a dreamer.
At least, when everybody's so busy trying to shut the Abu Sayaff up in Mindanao, I'm busy dreaming about my dream business. :D
I still do dream. When I'm walking down Doña Josefa in the morning, or when I am alone in Bukid. And I encourage you people to dream, too. :)
Speaking of Bukid, we rented this 240 sq. mtr. land in Doña Josefa for only php. 2000 per month and dude, for only 2 weeks, I became a full-pledge FARMER. Yes, I'm a farmer who grows tomatoes, chillis, eggplant, pandan, gabi, kangkong, malunggay and monggo. You wouldn't know how much I bacame so attached not to the vegetable I grow but to the country-side life. And hey, Doña Josefa is just inside Pilar! Duh? We are still in the city. Haha. We made the rented land a farm land! The neighbors there, were like, funny and don't meddle at all. They just let us do what we want. A farm inside a busy place. A farm just along the street. ^^
There's a lot of frog also. When it rains. :D
And so here I am, in front of this old computer trying to explain things again. But with love.
I'm back and this is for good. No matter how hard things may be and no matter what happen, I'll be strong again, just like before.
God knows what I need and He will surely give those things to me. I just need to wait and we will see..
I never imagine things would turn out like this. So disastrous and ugly. But there is a 'but' there.. Hanging like a fine thread needed to be appreciated.
To this day I want to share the things that have change dramatically since last year.
You know how things can be so deadly inevitable? It's hard to explain. But I don't want to put it here in details, it would just break my heart once again.
Today is Friday and Papa, would be back home this month! Yes, he will surely arrive here at around 10 PM on September 23, co-incidentally, is the evening before his birthday. He would be here soon. Thank you Papa Jesus.
In fact, his arrival was too long-overdue. His contract was finished last May and because of Ramadan, he needed to extend his stay in Dubai. And gosh, things here while he was out there became so gross every day and I wasn't even able to sit here, yes, I wasn't. I just can't stop working and sit and type and share and post it here. See, I even had my very own hiatus because I just can't have my rest.
So here it goes..
Last year, we needed to move out, our first move out from the Big Sofalaz last May 25, 2012. Things gone worse, we can't keep Big Sofalaz running anymore and had to terminate our lease on the first week of October last year and we were just..HOMELESS. No water. No electricity. No roof to stay. No civil neighbor. No caring relative to turn on. Just US. Ourselves. We salvaged what we can salvage. And left what should be left out.
Then came Paradise. But it wasn't really a 'Paradise'. In fact, it was a hell-inside-of-a-shell place.
There's Criselyn. There's the Bataan Boys. And Richard.
Richard had became my downfall.
Now I know I am not capable of turning an intimate relationship into something.
The boyfriend-girlfriend thing just show the worst on us.
Became greedy and selfish.
It turned out, Karma just gave the both of us the benefit of the doubt.
No one had committed cheating. Nor violation.
We have enough trust on each other until I run out of trust in our relationship and trust in myself.
I don't know if I love him the way I loved him before.
I don't know if I trust him enough the way I trusted him with my life before.
I don't know if I still care for him.
I don't know if our so-called love for each other is still burning hot like a lava or was the I Love You's were just a fling in the air.
And that the only thing I know and sure of is the fact that I love myself more, care for myself more, respect for myself more and I'm on the process of trusting myself once again.
That I don't think I love him anymore. For so many months, my heart had lied, not just to him but also to my own self.
I want my freedom as soon as possible.
And I'm working on it.
On the other hand, I also started my very own business on the first quarter of this year. It turned out so well when it comes to profit but there were these people that doesn't just stole my client, my products as well. Scumbag!
I'll continue with my virtue as long as I'm sane. I have so many plans and dreams with my business making it to the mass market. :)
I'm young and would love to live with my dreams that are becoming true.
Funny isn't it? I spent most of the years I've been jobless looking for a job, applying here and there. Begging for allowances but still find not to actually worry about money. I wasn't born rich. My status quo would be: 23 years old, jobless, in a relationship but it's so complicated, drum-like waistline, unruly hair, darker than ever, and a struggled entrepreneur wannabe, a full-pledge Farmer and a dreamer.
At least, when everybody's so busy trying to shut the Abu Sayaff up in Mindanao, I'm busy dreaming about my dream business. :D
I still do dream. When I'm walking down Doña Josefa in the morning, or when I am alone in Bukid. And I encourage you people to dream, too. :)
Speaking of Bukid, we rented this 240 sq. mtr. land in Doña Josefa for only php. 2000 per month and dude, for only 2 weeks, I became a full-pledge FARMER. Yes, I'm a farmer who grows tomatoes, chillis, eggplant, pandan, gabi, kangkong, malunggay and monggo. You wouldn't know how much I bacame so attached not to the vegetable I grow but to the country-side life. And hey, Doña Josefa is just inside Pilar! Duh? We are still in the city. Haha. We made the rented land a farm land! The neighbors there, were like, funny and don't meddle at all. They just let us do what we want. A farm inside a busy place. A farm just along the street. ^^
There's a lot of frog also. When it rains. :D
And so here I am, in front of this old computer trying to explain things again. But with love.
I'm back and this is for good. No matter how hard things may be and no matter what happen, I'll be strong again, just like before.
God knows what I need and He will surely give those things to me. I just need to wait and we will see..
Oh dude, I badly wanted to a single again.. :)
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