ALMOST PARADISE
Mark this day 'cause today I found out something about myself.
Now I know what is this very thing that's missing:
SANITY.
My mind is flowing with everything I want to tell and write. This post could be a long, long one. So read at your own risk.
I hate mosquitoes.
I hate ants. All kinds of ants.
I hate the sound of vehicles.
I hate the smell of cigarette.
I hate the smell of any kind of perfume.
I hate it when I am already sitting and have to stand up to get something.
I hate my mother's voice.
I hate my mother's sound of steps.
I hate Aling Melda's endless banter and I hate Mare and Pare's gossipy attitute.
I even hate to go to their little store.
I hate their place as well.
I hate Cora, the owner of Enriquez Printing Press.
I hate Pampam, the dog who cannot recognize anyone in the neigborhood and would unmindedly bark at anyone he sees.
I hate our bathroom.
I hate our kitchen.
I hate how my mother arranged our sala set in the living room.
I hate our back yard's smell.
I hate that this house is in the middle of Residential and Commercial area.
I hate to see Winnie.
I hate to see the stuffed Spongebob.
I hate it when I need to climb up the stairs just to get something.
I hate my bed since the beginning.
I hate my pillow and blanket. Mickey mouse was the printed image on the fabric.
And so on..
Have you ever find yourself enjoying to the song you've been cursing for the past year and promised never to listen to? Well, I have a handful of lists of songs that I don't listen, never liked and then one day, I got tired of the songs I usually listens to and needed to fight the urge to the 'hated songs' lists to play and listen? And then what? I was there, sitting still, looking like an idiot listening to those songs I never imagined I would listen and hell, enjoying to the tune of it?
I keep on saying I am not a TV watcher but in fact, I watch dramas and movies online. Now I know that I don't have what they called 'Child's attention-time span'.. In fact, I can stay for 4 long hours watching a certain drama online but hell, I just can't stand sitting in the living room watching local shows.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I think I lost my sanity somwhere. Why I make small things a big deal? Big issue? When it shouldn't be like that. Even writing these things here is now an issue inside my brain. Should I delete this post and move on? But because I found this thing so hard to explain (to myself), I should at least do something. Like curing this illness at the very possible time.
Then maybe, maybe I won't be able to remember that I even own a blog because of this insanity.
Now I don't know what I want. Don't even know what I am up to. Things keep on changing every second and here I am, still -- nothing.
I'm totally helpless.
I.. Am having an issue towards my 'few' friends lately.
Should I list them here? I think so..
There's Cherryvie who was my best friend since 4th grade-- who I can't find in Facebook. I am really wondering if by any chance, she doesn't own an account in any social networking sites at all. At least, I wish she has an account in Facebook. Didn't hear anything since 2010.
There's Tabitha who became a popular household name here. She is basically my best friend ever since. Both our parents had gone into a big argument because of us. But things went downhill and we found ourselves having a second thought to whether we should continue our relationship as best friends or not. She had been a good friend ever since. We tolerate each other so much it put a toll in our relationship. Still wishing we can find a good time to converse ourselves to each other soon.
There's Frances and Rowena who I met when I transfered from Saint Mark's to Las Piñas College. We.. basically blend right away though I have some issues with Rowena because 'we' are both childish at that time. We were just both 15 around that time and we can't understand each other at all. If we were in a love relationship.. Haha.. We have the love-hate relationship. We would exchange letters to apologize and Frances who happened to be in the middle was having a hard time dealing with our childishness.
There's King and Ivy from college. I just recently found out that King was a totally 'friend-user'. He would ask for anything as long as I can provide. I, on the other end, who is jobless and kind of desperate was his little pet. I just don't feel good about the things that he usually ask and because I want to be as honest as possible as I can be, I confronted him and we.. just.. part.. ways. Just like that. I realized, he never treated me as his friend from the beginning and was just using me over for his own benefit. Ivy, on the other hand is still busy building her own family.
Then the friends I had from my very first job: Nika, Adelh, Ate Mhe Ann, Labli, and May. They are busy, too. No time for such unimportant person like me.
I also realized this one important point recently: I feel so unimportant from the people I care the most whenever they treat me less than the way I treat them. I treat even an ordinary friend so special in my own way because I just feel like doing it. But then, I found out that I was expecting too much from them. They are not perfect, so do I.
Raymond, my cousin came here last night. Our very first guest since we moved in here more than a month. Since we're the same age and we basically grew up together, I talked to him personally about the things flowing inside my mind. I guess I needed someone to talk to other than posting these suicidal things here. It won't help me if I would just do this alone and it won't hurt if I would share this to someone I can trust. Raymond was kind of shock when he heard the things I've been up to recently. He stared at me like a criminal, maybe examining what are things I've already done and balancing what he had just heard. He grabbed my arms checking both my wrists if I've done something but he found nothing. To be honest, I got scars in my neck up to the nape from.. You know. Anyway, I assured him that I'm still not as crazy as he was imagining I am. Maybe a bit crazy. I told him I am just so confused as to what to do. Stay or not? From the events that happened for the last months, I am still in a great shock. I also told him that in my point of view, it would be a good idea if I would try my best to earn some money then leave. He asked me what I mean; I said that whether I'll get a job or not, as long as I have enough money, I'll leave immediately. I also told him in advance that I didn't talked to him to ask for money but to ask for support and suggestions. It was so obvious that I was seeking for a friend.
Before he got off I asked for his phone number and promised him I won't hurt myself or make any trouble. He also asked me to contact him in case of great disaster.
And I thanked him silently, wishing him a good and safe trip back home.
Now I know what I'm missing: Again, it
IS my sanity.
I might have lost it somewhere, but it
IS still there. I just have to find my sanity and things would get in order again.
Status? My 'planned escape' is still in process. But after thinking what we have talked about, I found myself having a double think to whether I would fly away without a job. See? If my sanity is still in my head, I won't be thinking this! I would be thinking the simplest, most comfortable and better solution over this matter!
I should find a job, then find a place, then move out NOT escape, then try my best to live as normal as possible.
Dream. And embrace the constant changes.
I know I'm perfectly imperfect, so as the people around me. We have so many flaws and not all people can meet the ends. But hell, when did I become like this? PERFECTIONIST? I can't expect people respond like Gods and Goddesses.
Things would be easier if I hadn't lost my sanity. Maybe if I made friends to many people before, I won't be alone here, feeling helpless and lost.
I should find my sanity and think humanly.
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