I saw this somewhere and speaks to me like a talking doll.. I just wanna share this to you:

“It hurts my heart every time you laugh, you who happened to meet me when I had already hit rock bottom. I feel guilty and responsible. Every day I wake up and I see how much you’re changing, it makes me think about how I’m still in the same exact place you found me. I’m sorry. I’ve told you a few thousand times and I’ll say it again. I’m sorry.”

This was from Tablo.. I am not sure if this was part of his song or not.

It conveys a lot of emotions..

____________________

If this life is a journey.. 

Why 

it 

never 

become 

a 

one 

good 

ride?

____________________

Night lights aren't so bright.

Even the sky falls at night.

_________________________________

______________________

Is it a sign??

For other people, it's so normal to talk about such things like this. But we have been so sensitive having this subject being brought up. But now..

You just made an unbelievable miracle for us!


It's when I am about to lose hope.. You made a sudden miracle. Like a shock.. waved in a quickm swift motion. I am speechless. Really.

You made it possible for us to do this once again. Though they are a little late..

Thank you..
Thank you..
Thank you..
Thank you..
Thank you..




Please do good.. We are counting on you.

e l l e n o t e

_____________________

_______________________

________________________

Too personal..

I've been sharing and ranting so many things about my life here for the past 3 years but what's wrong with the pictures. To be honest, it's easier to exploit one true story than post a picture that speaks volume. That's why I believe, pictures are to be keep and taken care of- no matter how scandalous or underrated it is.

I'll share some photos taken in our new house..

 This is my aging computer. It is usually opened by the time my eyes open and would be shut.. I mean, hibernated when I sleep. Yes, this computer works for me no matter if it's me or this computer is in sleep mode. Poor computer, your owner is poorer than you..

It is placed beside a small window.

As you can see, this is my recently bought, ehem, second guitar that was bought last year. I tried to tune this but failed 3 times. I haven't played a good song since we moved in here.

I'm sorry for the blurred-ness. It's because of the camera or maybe because it was too bright outside.

Yes, I do save coins. But these coins aren't included in my possessions the moment I put them in these two Alkansya . If I can guess, you can buy a single burger with the coins it has so far..

I never liked Spongebob. But this 4 year-old stuffed toy was given by a then special person.

Period.

Remember when I won this slumbook from Saab Magalona's contest in Twitter last year?

No one have ever signed into it, yet. Even me.

I will when I got a chance.. ^^

This was the message and an autograph sign of Ms. Saab that can be seen on the first page of the slumbook.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Potato and he is always smiling. Just like Spongebob.

Can you share your smile with me?

I bet you won't trade place with me Mr. Potato. You'd love to smile endlessly than try to stand in my shoes.. -_-

These are some of the things I want to share so far.. Some of them maybe blurry but the photos would speak for themselves anyway.

And then, you're still part of it.

_______________________

E156

I got a present today late afternoon.  I was busy playing with my guitar when suddenly, an important person came into view calling me, then handed me a little box. I can't say what was the gift I received, but it definitely is of a great help for me. Not just because I've been bored ever since, but because it will surely help me in the near future.

Thank you. I never expected something like this would be given to me but really, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To be honest, I'd never get to say those words to you. Maybe I'm too shy, or maybe.. It's not in my system to thank someone personally- no matter what kind of favor someone had done to me. I'm sorry, but that's what I am made of. I just can't express myself so freely. But really, thank you so much. In fact, when you turn around and left, I was smiling so widely for 2 hours because I can't help myself but be grateful. At least, something good happened today.

Thank you. Ü

I've been rocking my head inside and out if.. I would really do what I've been thinking since last year. My planned escape have been postponed a thousand times because of the happenings here. Am I that cruel to leave these two little siblings alone? They surely will be angry at me for leaving them.

But I'm too immense at this plan that at any rate, I'll be flying off just to get out of this place. I've been thankful for all the hospitality it had brought to us and been a little comfortable living here. But, as long as I can feel the uneasiness and this hard life keep on knocking on my door, I could never live peacefully.

I'm asking God for a good sign, if he could tell personally what should I do. Cause no matter how much I've planned for this, if it wasn't his blessing to fulfill this mission, I don't think I would succeed at this plan.

I'm just taking my time, thinking carefully what to do next. So I won't end up sleeping on the streets.

I'm still hoping that this life of mine would eventually turn into something. I'm not asking for something big; I'm asking for something greater than this.

See? I'm still fighting. Cause I have to.

How much more will I lose in order to repay the price?

_____________________________

Until where will this sneakers would take me?

_______________________

Time.. I've been passing time 

watching dreams go by..

______________________

Shinhwa - Hero

Music Video

______________________

What is this that I always dream about? Even in my sleep or I'm in the middle of eating, this thing keeps on poping out like a simple reminder.

Will that happen in this lifetime?

I still have doubts. Doubts in myself. Will I be able to turn things like that with my own hands and will?

______________________

___________________________

Back and Forth

After all the bravado and headaches, I'm still as weak as I have ever been. Nothing had changed.

Weak: Inside and Out.

I should put 'Recharging My Stamina' in my wish list to Santa this Christmas. Maybe he has something in his big sack to fix this raging problem of mine.

Oh my, it's so hard to be genuinely happy. I could have own all the treasures in the world but hell, I don't think happiness will come to me.

Through me.

I did everything to avoid this fate but here I am, facing the ugly face of my very own fate. And what's there that's left for me? CONSTIPATION!!

Uh, I have something to confess right now. This might sound weird but I do: Hate Every Jacket In This World. To  be specific, the Hoody ones.

I used to wear hoody jackets since I can remember. But when I got my first ever job, wearing hoody jackets was the typical attire one could think of wearing. That's when I hated those jacket ever since. I even get irritated seeing someone wear a jacket.

Okay, I'm totally sick and constipated right now.

My heart is constipated, too.

** Mike, I'm going to buy you lot's of toys when I get a decent job. Jhara, I'm going to take you and Mike out every weekends when I get a decent job. Elleine, please let yourself buy a decent soul when you earn some money, understand? **

I forgot what is the main reason why I am blogging at the first place. I just remember it when I was cleaning my stuffs this afternoon. To write. Haist! Why are you so stupid to even forget something like that??

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!!

__________________________

Timeless World

I went to Sofalaz this late afternoon to do that something I was dreading to do for the past weeks. I gathered my stuffs, packed them and went there. But hell, when I got there I almost come back home immediately because I found that Sofalaz already has no electricity! Why did they cut the electricity when they know that there would be people coming there??

People are really sick here!
I went there because the stuffs that I'm going to fix are some of the 'important ones' I'm going to bring with me when I fly aboard.

I like going to Sofalaz every late afternoons. Why? Sofalaz is the only place where I can feel my dreams are getting near, becoming real. Whenever I'm there, I feel that everything's possible and achievable.

But after awhile, everything I feel are just feelings. The feeling of something is possible is far from making things possible, isn't it?

Let's talk about time. Time is either one of the two: ahead or late. Time is also either one of the two: Parallel or drifting.

I am just concluding these things based on my observations. In this world where people on the other half of it is just starting their day, the other half is preparing for a good night sleep. In this world where people claim that time is just as parallel as their own self-history, there are people who accept the fact that time drifts along the broken promises and shattered dreams.

Where do I belong? I don't know. So far. How I wish I know where I really belong so that I won't be here muttering these non-senses to you wondering and wondering where am I going to get to that place- where I belong.

I choose that time is always ahead and time was never parallel to us, but always drifting. I believe that there's just this imaginary line between people and time, that when you find- you're dead.

That's only my hypothesis. Nothing else.

What I am trying to point here is that I don't have a clock to remind me what is the current time as of the moment. I don't even have a calendar to always keep my head up to date. In fact, I almost deleted the time program in my computer because of my stupidness. I just calculate things and events around me, that's when I usually know what is the time- a rough estimate.

I wish the world had given us more time, enough time to do the things we needed to do. The world left us here, hanging, chasing the so-called time that was already ahead of us and drifting, eating our broken dreams away.

I, myself am aware that I still fail to take care of myself, my body. Give me some time to recover, can you? But before I can walk again by myself, how can I possibly get my ruined life back to normal when I have no more time to do so.

Selfish.

It's just that time had drifted.. Not my intentions nor my dreams. It's just that that stupid time keep on eating my dreams away!

___________________________

_______________________

Diamonds In The Sky

You know why I love it when it's night and it's not cloudy at all? Because I see the clear sky and its stars. I wonder how many people in this time and place are looking in the sky- right now.

I can see a couple of stars, I wonder if everyone's already asleep. It's 2:26 AM here and.. I wish someone's with me.

I keep on saying how I wish someone's with me. Now I wish someone will come and change this status of mine- single. Puhihihi..

It's easy to find someone; but finding someone who will truly stay no matter how unstable I am right now, I doubt it won't happen sooner or later. I am human, too. I have feelings and want to be loved not just by somebody but to be loved by someone who is not selfish at all. Whenever I am outside, I look around and try to make an eye contact with somebody but it seems that even the same gender can't feel me! Haha..

And now I am wondering if God put me here in this world to just exist and never live. Just a decoration on someone else's life. Tsk!

I want to. But it seems that things like this won't happen any soon. I have so many things to fix. Perhaps, no matter how hard my life right now there will BE someone who'll show up later and make this boring life colorful. I'm still learning though, and I am not halfway my life yet. That's what I believe.

I'm sure there will be someone and some good place that's definitely reserve for me.

If that so.. I have to fight and live strong until I live that day. :)

I'm smiling right now, looking from this small window. By any chance, are you also looking in the same sky right now? I hope we are in the same era! ^^

I keep on wondering and wanting and wishing and hoping though I am sure, sooner or later, when the world takes another turn around and when I can face the great opportunities lying ahead of me- I'm ready and strong and stable.

I am.. still hoping I can live this present time fully.

Breathless

________________________

They say that man needs a good planning ahead of time..

But I believe, it's in the God's own will if the man is going to succeed or not.

__________________________

___________________________

SLR

Oh.. So today is 18 and I went through horrible events- today. What's the matter with today? I woke up as if something heavy was put on my chest and it was hard to get up all by myself. I needed my little brother to pull me up just to stand up. Shh..

But then, after the afternoon meal, I went up to my room and.. and.. fell asleep. What a stupid thing to do. My doctor advised me not to sleep after meals! It's better to forget to brush your teeth that to forget this rule: dozing off after a heavy meal is a big NO. So the worse thing happened.

I dreamed of a guy, who named himself 'SLR'. Imagine? His name's SLR and we went on a date. A crazy dream with crazy characters. SLR. His name is just like an expensive camera! Puhahaha..
But I can't remember everything that happened except his funny name.

The thrilling part was.. When I woke up. I can't open my eyes and when I did, the world is turning clockwise, then counterclockwise. Then turning upside down. Like a rollercoaster. And I can't move my left arm and hand and fingers and left leg. Dude, half my body was numb and I can't exactly remember how long. I was just lying in my bed motionless, feeling the surrounding to stop and trying to move my body. But I failed to do so. Before I could come up with what's happening with me, I was throwing up like I've drank all the water in the world, pouring my bed and the floor and realized my whole family was in my room- trying to do whatever they can because I was.. Well, I really don't know what happpened to me.

They called an ambulance and had me in the emergency room in a quick swift motion. All I remembered was trying to open my eyes, then trying to move my body, then throwing up, then there's some people swarming around my room and when I opened my eyes again, there the nurse stabbing me with syringe as if my skin's like a smooth sponge.

I really can't remember anything other than the dream I had this afternoon and the ride back home.

This blog's so lucky to be the ever-always first one to know what's happening to me. Usually, you'll text or call your friends about your whereabouts but my habits are far from what's the usual. Though I use internet, I'm not someone who would post something like, "I slept this afternoon and when I woke up I was in the emergency room!" in twitter or facebook. In fact, the only thing that I visits too often is blogger and google, and nothing else. Can't remember when was the last time I posted an update in twitter and facebook. This blog's just so lucky. I can't even talk to them about what happened, and here I am, telling you what just happened a while ago. Perhaps, I'll ask them what really happened to me tomorrow. There will be tomorrow, right? Unless something will happen to me- again.

The ride home was quite intriguing. No one said a word except the assistant from the hospital. As if they had expected it to happen on me. I wonder how long and how deep can I trust my family about this so personal matter. Even Mike and Jhara haven't said a word to me since I got home this night. They are so strange, I find them scary. Could they be.. poisoning me? Dying slowly like this is so painful with all honesty. I still feel the dizziness until now. I even type here like a statue, not moving my body at all. So I opt to not to eat at all. I can still feel my stomach so quesy and tight.

But of course, they are my family and this is not just someone else's story and life and this is absolutely not a movie. Hello? However, what's happening around me are the usual thing you would see in a movie- thrilling, suspenseful but exciting. Let's add the horror-flick feeling there then that's what you call my so-called life. What a mess. My room is a mess. And my life's a big mistake!

Should I be leaving soon? I guess so..

Could there be a world that does not have all these boundaries that cannot be passed?

__________________________

CUE = Q

Have you ever wake up one morning and felt that something's not right. Like you feel.. you probably doesn't belong in your group or something like that.

I.. just figured that out. Right now.

Seems like I don't belong here at all. And since I am made for either of this two options: I am meant for someone or perhaps, meant to be alone. Forever. I like the idea of the former. The latter sucks.

Looking outside the window, barely see the coming gloomy sun for today.. I wonder how the people who slept last night slept so, so soundly? It's so chilling. Really. I keep on going to the bathroom.

It's 5:10 AM and .. I am so tired, and sleepy and my back aches like hell. I should change the chair I'm using so far. A higher one would do.

The events last night was.. really.. Hayyy..
Why do they keep on humiliating and breaking my heart??
I should have known from the very start! I should have been careful and cautious when I know that these things won't take me far.

Because I always knew that I am reserve for something better. Better than a .. Stop it, Elleine.

Stamina.. Stamina.. Can you be a little enduring my 'stamina'?

Oh! The sun is coming.. I should sleep.

Your voice is my very weakness.

____________________________

Shinhwa - Venus

Official Music Video

Credit goes to the owners. ^^

___________________________

Silver

You never fail to impress me.

I miss the old times and am still waiting for your grand comeback!

You're doing your job so well I'm tearing right now. I, on the other hand have to work even harder so that someday, when you comeback.. I'll be as proud as before.

Stay strong. I know it won't be long..

________________________

YELL!

SHOUT!

SCREAM!

___________________________

16

When I was young, my mother would always buy newspaper everyday. Even before, I distanced myself when it comes to reading a newspaper. It brings nothing at all. A waste of time.. The bad news get sucked up and sucked up by the day. And before you can even read the news, it IS already in the past, done- we can't do anything about it.

The most interesting part of the newspaper was never the Entertainment column. I was never interested in that aspect, in fact. For me, the Palmistry was too fun, I think I tore every section of it in every newspaper but I don't remember where I put them, really. I've forgotten, maybe.

I am the type who would not easily be tricked by what's written out there. Everything was just for fun. Even about the numbers and birthdays was quite intriguing. It was said that the number 7 was a special number because it is the God's number. Everything that sums up to number 7 is lucky. So I'm a 'Lucky Seven' as they say. When I was in my junior high, our class was assigned to have our own jersey for the coming school foundation. When everyone was busy for the fitting, I found out that somebody already picked the numbers 7 and 25 for their jersey numbers. I was too slow for that and I decided to get the number 16 since it still sums up to 7. What a pity. I even thought about it in school. It ruled me sometime in my life, actually.

But I got the number 7 in my senior high. I made a mental note about that.. :D

When it comes to birthday, every number has its own rule. I think I summed every birthday that I knew. The only thing that I noted are the ones related to me. They say that if your birth date and destiny number are the same number, even if you summed it all up, then your number is dynamic. Which means, it only happens to few people. They also say that if the day of your birthday matches the destiny number of your partner and his/her birth date matches your destiny number, then the both of you are meant for each other. Means 'soul mate'.

Then that makes me dynamic. My birth date is 7 and my destiny number is 7. But it was also noted that.. 7 is one of the weak numbers (Opposing the fact that it is the God's number) along the numbers 2 and 5.

That's all I can remember. I just make a special post since today is the 16th day of June.. :)

8+7+1990= 2005, 20+05=25, 2+5=7

________________________

Yes. I'm totally in love with myself.

:D

_____________________

Stuff

I got only one bag. A travelling bag. The biggest bag I've ever made. It's a copy-cat of the bag I saw when Eloida was looking for a travelling bag to buy. Yes, I make bags. I make stuffs mostly my age won't ever think of doing.

My family own and runs a business related to making stuff.. that.. that's all I can share. This was never a secret, but I don't think this is the right place to say things like this. I don't accept ads here! Puhahaha.. I have my own line of clothing already. A name that was registered since I was 9 years old. A brand under my father's name. But it was never a successful venture because no one helped me to start the business myself. At that age, I already had a handful of contracts and clients. Like I said, I grew up being the right hand of my father. And a slave of my mother. Me and my siblings, minus Mike and Jhara were exposed to this kind of environment. I learned to sew fabrics and tailor dresses by myself when I was 6 years old. We have a non-electrical sewing machine that was older than me and that's where I learned to sew. I got my first deal when I was 7, making Roman Shades for a client's big house with 4 bedrooms. I spent my entire Christmas vacation and Summer vacations the following year to finish the contract. Alone. You won't believe how much I earned that time. I opened my personal bank account after that and was doing all so good but then.. Things make a sudden turn of events and one thing lead to another.. And here I am, penniless and alone and broken and jobless and.. leaving.

I decided in behalf of my life to leave this place and start a new life somewhere. Just the fact that I am going somewhere, feels like escaping, running away makes my heart beat faster. I guess it makes me excited to do this thing when I know, it's either I'll make it or not. I'm sure along the way, the weak Elleine would suddenly appear and I'll soon find myself in heaven or maybe in my hometown, hell.

And yes, I told this to no one but you, my blog and my readers, if I really have a readers. Even the closest friend I have had no idea of this plan.

Back to the travelling bag, I made that bag in March this year, after the Swimming in Laguna. I posted a photo of me with the poor Lechon beside me here, right? I think a week after that event when I made the bag.

I'm cleaning my things right now when I thought of writing something about this escape. A person with no money at all, planning to escape is such a horrible idea, ever. And I know, this will lead me to either nowhere or somewhere. I just want to let you know that I'm doing this, not just for myself but for us. So just hang on. Stay strong and please, wait for me. I'll be back, just to get you two out of here. That's not a promise. It will definitely happen.

I've thought about this since last year and let's put the wheel on rolling.. I just wish I am moving forward.. >>>>

I have a lot of stuffs. And I don't think I could bring them all so I made a sudden cleaning today. Disposing everything that is in no use, leaving the ones that could help me in the process. I even have a prepared clothes since last week. Well, I've been preparing this departure since last year, I should be using my head in the right way. Right?

No, I'm not going off tonight. I don't have that kind of money to escape. A cent won't take me somewhere.

I only have one travelling bag and the stuffs that I'll be bringing with me are the important ones. What a bunch of important ones are these? I should make another bag later. These packing would take forever if I would stay here telling you the step-by-step procedure of my planned escape.

The things that I'll be bringing are the important ones and the ones leaving behind would be.. trashed soon after they find out I'm missing. Well, they're not as bad as throwing my stuff like that but, I shouldn't have the reason to comeback and retrieve my items like I never were in a planned escape, right? That would be funny. Puhahaha.. I should have get a rideaway vehicle and load all my stuff. :D

Leaving such a huge amount of stuff costs my heart to ache. If I want a change, I should do this. If I want to escape, I should only bring the ones that would help me in the process. If I want to really do this, there are people and things that would cost me to make my planned escape into action. I'll be leaving the two most important people in my life right now and disposing all the stuffs I have. But I learned that if something won't be useful to you then throw it away, a saying I learned from Eloida.

Am I throwing my life 'this way'?
I don't think so. I guess I'm just having a bold leap to really see the changes I'm looking for. I may end up in the streets for doing this but no one can stop me. I'm ready to risk my damaged soul, no matter how much it costs me.

This is not a sudden, abrupt decision. This was planned a year ago and I should make an honest effort and use my head to make a successful act.

I'm really afraid but also excited.
If I am going to do this, I'm going to do this carefully.

Give me some luck.. I'm departing soon.

_________________________

I will always stay like these..

And you will always step away like that..

_______________________

Cut It Out

Last night I created something people will never think of doing. My family was so shocked they can't say anything other than "Just continue doing that crap.. It will take you far."

What the? Crap?
I can't write what I did last night here. If I do that, it will only spoil my future. I'm so looking forward for that day.. I'll take this opportunity to say these things.. Mike, we are so sorry for too late, we can still make it up right? But I don't think there will be people who'll help us about this. Me, you weak sister can't do anything for you. And for that, I am truly sorry. And never think that we are neglecting you! If you can only see. I'm holding on because of you. I'm still here because of you. Because if it wasn't for you, I don't think I'll make it this moment. I'm doing everything for us to live. They left us, but this one thing is for sure. I'll never leave you and promise to protect you until my very last breathe.

So just hang on. Be strong 'cause I'm sure we will make it. Thank you for coming to us. You always give me thousands of reasons to stay and continue.. Thank you.

We will surely make it.

________________________

Please, 

make 

it 

actually 

somehow 

possible.

____________________________

Why do you keep on breaking our hearts?

____________________________

____________________________

Picturing the little picture..

Is like imagining the impossible.

________________________

Shinhwa's Shin HyeSung - I Love You Lyrics

_______________________

That's our Sofalaz, marked by a white circle. That is the roof of the old Sofalaz's backyard. It can be seen over my window here. Well, it's just that I wanted to say that I miss Sofalaz so much.

________________________

Src: Dumb Little Man

_____________________________

Plus 2

In our new house now, I am still struggling to adjust. This house is smaller than one could imagine. Sofalaz is much wider, longer and bigger than this house. It's so hard to move around in the living room so our solution, we will no longer have a living room because of me. When we moved here, I got a lot of scratches, new wounds every other day, insect bites and the worst, I just got a fresh bruise a while ago from bumping onto the sofa arm's edge, causing me to burst into anger. Now I have a bruise bigger than a 10 Peso coin. And I still have 6 bruises to nurse until the color change.

Because I am not allowed to tired myself, I found myself having difficulties at so many things.

First, when I was a kid, we were not allowed to go outside to play. My parents would buy a lot of toys so that we won't go outside. I am closer to Biboy when it comes to age, we are just one year apart. Although my sister Eloida is a good playmate, she never play with me. Well that's what my memory could remember. I don't think we had played togethe,  ever. That's why I am more close to Biboy and was more familiar with his toys. I even played his Lego even when I turned 13. And that water gun that is now a history.. Puhaha..
Now, we're here in this small house and have to adjust as much as possible. I easily get irritated at our new neighbor's kids. Jillian, a girl of 6 years old and Chubby, 4 years old, not quite sure what's her name is now playing with Jhara- right here in my room. Yes. I am a prison myself but even if I want to go the kitchen, I am too lazy to do such thing so I would stay in this room as much as possible but I can't look after these kids so no choice: it's either they want to play together in my room or the two kids would be sent home if Jhara insisted they would play in the living room. This whole-stair-case-issue is the hardest thing I have to deal so far in this life time.

Second, since we were not allowed to go outside when we were still kids, I never had a single friend in our neighborhood. Really, this is true. I only know their family names. Oh, that's Mr. Santos's son and the likes would probably the least information I've know since then. They know me, and I know them by the eyes and nothing else. And the fact that I've only been in my classmate's house a few times was one of the hardest things I've dealt when I was in high school. Getting to the other's bathroom or brushing my teeth on other's sink was hard to do. Until now. Being in a house for 17 years then one day.. I have to bathe on another house is an everyday issue. I don't go to public comfort rooms frequently or otherwise when I needed. Our bathroom here is way smaller than in sofalaz and.. it's just so hard to use that bathroom at all. Please have mercy in me..

Why do things have to be hard this way? These kids are so loud and annoying.. I forgot the things I wanted to mutter here..

____________________________

Signs

I found two old photos from our old house. We are still in the process of moving-out and I don't think we have ever settled on to something this whole week. Everything's a chaos. Even my own bed keeps on betraying me.

One of the pictures was when we had our vacation in Leyte, more than a decade ago. In the photo, there are 13 people, including the young 'me'. Two of them, unfortunately are gone already. One is living with our God in heaven, and the other one was missing for 3 years. I don't know who the other two people in the picture but the rest are my relatives. I can't post the photo. It's so ugly. Really.

The other one, was a photo taken.. 15 or more years ago, I guess. It was cut. Me and my sister sitting, smiling and I can tell by the photo that the cameraman was so slow to take the picture. My eyes are so wide and my smile was forced. And our dresses are totally out of style. In fact, I just told my mother why on earth she made us wore those dresses. A blazer over a pink jumper? With a rubber shoes too high. I'm sure this was taken outside the church.

But I found this so helpful.
He's giving me signs again.

Thank you.
I'll keep the photos. Maybe sooner or later I would have the heart to post it here.. ^^

Only true deep wounds are the ones leaving unseen scars.

_______________________

Once

Enough about the rantings.. Yesterday was such a big blow. I went to Lawton yesterday and found myself on the edge of losing my senses.

The bus driver asked me if I'm okay. I looked like very anemic and asked me if I can still go to my destination. I said I'm okay. I wish he was my father. I would love to trade my father for him just for a minute. Don't blame me. Everyone does that..

When I arrived on the place I'm going, the cashier asked me the SAME thing the bus driver had asked me earlier: "Are you okay? You looked like your going to pass out in just one blow." I looked at her intently trying to figure out what does that mean. I said I'm totally okay in an irritated voice. I'm so sorry Ms. Cashier. I'm totally out of my mind lately.

Life has always been like these, right?

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Ticking

You'll never know how bored I am right now. The three of us are waiting for a miracle. I wish someone would come here, right now and would tell us that everything will absolutely be okay. Or would convince me that this dilemma is just.

I'm sure one of us would pass out sooner than a minute. I can't stand this anymore.

But I just can't say what it was at the first place.

I ran out of patience and I feel so numb because of this. I tried to cheer them up by saying "Let us wait," but I heard myself saying "Lehhh.." Is that even a word? How can I cheer them up when I can't even whisper something like that to myself.


THESE. IS. GETTING. HARDER. BY. THE. DAY.


COULD SOMEONE HELP US HERE!

We may be waiting until dawn and nothing will happen.

I asked Mike last night the 60-million-dollar-question: "Who will you choose?"

I thought about asking him this question when I went to Lawton yesterday afternoon. I practiced myself how to ask a 10-year old boy such a thing. It shouldn't be intimidating because it's just a question. But I know the question itself would be hard to answer. And I prepared myself that half of the chance out of the answer- I'm going to lose: My life and my future.

I didn't know that this would be a rollercoaster ride. We haven't got to escape yet and I can sense the slap coming from the fact that the world won't be good to us.

I wish I were never been born at all. So as Mike and Jhara. We don't deserve such life like this. We don't deserve such treatment and humiliations at all. They, including me, have had enough already and as their big sister, I don't think I still have an ace hiding in my pocket. We have to escape here. With or without any money.

This is rediculous to think. No one is going to help us so I have to use my own feet to run no matter where we are going. I'm sure, somewhere, we are welcome and would find a decent place.

This plan of escaping had been in my mind since last year. Everyone had found their own path.. leaving us three behind.

I hate to admit that whatever I posted or said here in the past would eventually change.

Will I still have the heart to accept you people when that time comes? I don't think so. I'm starting to hate you like hell and don't ever think of coming to us asking for help, ever.

This will be the last thing I would like to remember about you. So that we won't make the same mistake we repeatedly do because of your cat-like fake face. You'll never earn our forgiveness even if you trade your soul. NEVER.

Mike answer was me. He chose me without further hesitations. I was looking at him, waiting for his answer and he said "You," pointing his forefinger at me.

Have you ever feel being so sad when someone chose you because of something. People would feel good, but me, I know from that moment I'm already losing my future. I'm still hoping though..

He chose me. Trusted me and I can feel it since the beginning. He was never been comfortable with anyone other than me.

He chose me over you. So I have to recharge myself because this battle haven't started yet. Soon, you'll find us missing at your side.

I'm going to do this no matter how the hell would forbid me from doing this. I'll stay by them no matter how strong the storms can be. I will. Until my last breath. Bear that in mind.

And you will never be welcomed.

That's for sure.

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Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people.

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Reading between the lines..

When I first read this phrase "Reading between the lines", the first thing that popped in my mind was the red-blue-red in a Composition Notebook used by the elementary students. But over the years, I found out what 'Reading between the lines' means.

And I'm sure you know what it means, but I guess I'm a little off trying to understand this statement. And whoever said this statement first, I just wish he/she also knows what it means.

I have a list of songs that I usually listen to. There are some that I rarely play and some that are played more than 6 times every single day. But what really bugs me recently was that there are some songs that are hard to listen yet hard to delete. I scanned every playlists I have and vowed to listen at least one song everyday from the list of song I've just listened a few times.

And I came up with this:

1. Maki Otsuki - Memories, H.O.T Candy, B1A4 - Ok

These 3 songs is still in my playlist despite the fact that I haven't listened to them for at least half a year. Why they are still there? I realized, these songs are the songs I used to listened when I was bedriddened for a month way back last year. Remembering those times right now is like reminiscing the pain I've been through. Those songs reminded me to just hold on tight, no matter how impossible tomorrow would be. I've been in and out of the hospital like it was my real home. There were people whom I've been friends with when they are still strong and alive then would leave the hospital breathless. The fact that I made it this very moment seems like an accomplishment for the people in my kind. The pains and humiliations are endless yet I'm still able to witness every sunrise, still able to feel and walk despite my inability of my left leg to walk straight. I am, by any means, lucky. Thanks to the songs that was with me in those times.

2. Bodyslam - Someday I'll Be Good Enough

I'll never forget the day I got this song. It was mid-night and everybody were sleeping soundly. I, on the otherhand, was so busy looking for the this song across the internet. It was hard to look at something you can even read. And I promised myself, I am not going to die unless I get to see Bodyslam in the flesh. So no matter how hard to walk and to take my medicines I still tried and succeeded.

3. W Whale - Moon Rise

I think, this song is the very first song with the most beautiful instrumental I've ever heard. The lyrics is like a poem and the melody matches the voice of the singer. It's just that I remember something everytime I listen to this song. Maybe keeping this song will do.

4. Maldita - Porque

I'm not into sad love songs but I've never settled myself to a particular genre. I tried to listen to many songs in different genre as much as I can. Giving those songs a chance to impress my critique-like ears. In fact, it would be hard to impress my own ears even if I convince myself that this particular song is good. So as Porque by Maldita. But because this song was in an acoustic, I still tried. I searched its guitar chords online and found some but the only thing that's missing was the intro tab. Since it's an acoustic, the intro is important. But then, no available chord has an intro in it so I made one myself. That is when I listened to this song a lot but never it became my favorite. And I don't know why..


Those are some of the songs that are barely listen to these days.

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Marry Your Daughter

Brian McKnight

Sir, I'm a bit nervous

About being here today

Still not real sure what I'm going to say

So bare with me please

If I take up too much of your time. 

See in this box is a ring for your oldest.

She's my everything and all that I know is

It would be such a relief if I knew that we were on the same side

Cause very soon I'm hoping that I... 

Can marry your daughter

And make her my wife

I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life

And give her the best of me 'til the day that I die, yeah

I'm gonna marry your princess

And make her my queen

She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen

I can't wait to smile

When she walks down the aisle

On the arm of her father

On the day that I marry your daughter

She's been here every step

Since the day that we met 

(I'm scared to death to think of what would happen if she ever left)

So don't you ever worry about me ever treating her bad

I've got most of my vows done so far

(So bring on the better or worse)

And 'til death do us part

There's no doubt in my mind

It's time

I'm ready to start

I swear to you with all of my heart... 

I'm gonna marry your daughter

And make her my wife

I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life

And give her the best of me 'til the day that I die, yeah

I'm gonna marry your princess

And make her my queen

She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen

I can't wait to smile

As she walks down the aisle

On the arm of her father

On the day that I marry your daughter

The first time I saw her

I swear I knew that I'd say I do

I'm gonna marry your daughter

And make her my wife

I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life

And give her the best of me 'till the day that I die

I'm gonna marry your princess

And make her my queen

She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen

I can't wait to smile

As she walks down the aisle

On the arm of her father

On the day that I marry your daughter

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Ghost

I tried to feel the same old feeling but I can't. I tried to seach for it around the house but I failed to make it appear just for awhile. It's like trying to look at a blank paper tracing every marks you can find but can't see anything.

I was left to guard our old house, Sofalaz. I can't believe it was turn up-side down but in fact there's almost nothing left when we moved out. To be honest, it is now far from the old Sofalaz. I searched for the right feeling but I just can't feel the old and same feeling whenever I enter that house. It seems, when we moved out, all the feelings are also gone. Even the smell.

I was there, sitting on a plywood placed on the counter. Alone. The only thing that has never changed is the way I get bored instant. There's nothing to do there since the only things that's left was the house itself. But the comfortness it brings could never compare to the misery we are facing with the new house. It seems like I was never been comfortable with this house. Maybe because we lived there for almost 2 decades and it's not easy to compare such thing, even thought it wasn't a real house at the first place, it housed so many souls and still, I know, the dreams are still left in every corner of that house.

The comfort it brings..

The roof of Sofalaz's backyard was removed yesterday for the whole word to see. They're renovating Sofalaz- first time since we moved in there. I placed this computer beside the window so I can see the world, and I am looking at Sofalaz's backyard right now while typing this. I can see that house over here. It is like.. looking at some old yet very familiar thing being knocked down. It's almost bare.

When am I gonna be able to buy that land? I don't even have a single cent right now. And I don't think the owners will sell that land. I learned from mama that the owners of that house make a living by renting those houses. They also owned the next 3 houses and it would take millions in 8 digits to buy that land.

Huh! I will.. later. :D
Well, that's my spirit.. ^^

I was convincing myself yesterday if I'm going to sleep there or not last night but it turned out, all the doors doesn't have doorknobs and they just close the gate. Even the bathroom has a broken doorknob just like in my room.

All I need to do is to work harder and wait until things will turn itself around..

___________________________

Sometimes those who fly alone have a strongest wings.

________________________

You'll realize the sun don't go down. It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.

__________________________

YOU ARE MY LOVE..

I just found out that my bedroom's doorknob was broken, so I removed it completely. What's the use of a broken doorknob, when I can't close the door properly. Besides, no one will have the heart to enter this room. No one will ever dare, even think..

I want to set this once and for all. (I'm talking to my self.)

I switched on the light. It hurts my eyes trying to look at my back. I know you're there. And I don't care. I'm just afraid you'll pick at what  am I doing right now.

Freedom.
I'm listening to my latest favorite song.
I took off my band, it just makes my back aches more. A pillow will do.
I'm sitting the way I want to sit.
The volume's up.
And I had a good laugh a while ago.

These are the only solace and treats I can give to myself. Everything that I thought I owned aren't mine now. They are already in their hands.

I just need my freedom, badly.

I don't think I can give the love the way I give to them before. Because I certainly know I don't have that kind of love anymore. I can't stand faking everything. Just feel my indifference. That would definitely make sense.

I dreamed of a record label, a 10 year old girl, a band, a music video featuring a girl with a long hair biking the long, long highway. Just a bare urban highway. What a good background for a music video. And the sign language.. I dreamed of those things with wide eyes and awake.

If someday it will, then it will. Or maybe dreams are so powerful. Or maybe 'My future life just flashed before my eyes, and I had a good look at it..' A good view indeed.

My only treats. We're running out of precious time so please move quickly.

Disconnected thoughts? :)

_________________________

______________________

This old man was thinking really hard which card to get in front of the Valentine's card selection. "Are you getting a Valentine's Day card for your wife?" he replies

"No my wife died 3 years ago from breast cancer but I still buy her roses and a card and bring them to her grave to prove to her that she was the only one that will ever have my heart"

This is the greatest man EVER ♥ 

Just saw this in Facebook. Credit goes to the owner!

_______________________

________________________

Everything that God allows to come our way is always with a purpose. He uses even the greatest error and deepest pain to mold us into a better person.

______________________________

What am I doing to my precious self?

I'm doing a pretty good job of destroying my soul..

_______________________

Sapphire Blue

Just found out that Super Junior's Official Fan Club, named E.L.F. or Ever Lasting Friends just turned 6 years old today. And Twitter is flooding with so many tweets. Of course, it's my radars job to know such things, because I am, too, an E.L.F. ^^

Let's celebrate! ^^ Hihi.. 

Just two of thousand tweets about #6YearswithELF

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"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." 

- Albert Einstein

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Now I know, there are things that we need to share to other people in order for them to know that somehow there will always be a helping hand out there. And there are things that we don't have to share, it was a rule that we always forget. A pain divided could mulitply in a thousand ways if we are too careless to handle them ourselves.

Lesson learned: Don't try to tell them. They don't care at all. Just endure it.

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