Know what I want the most right now?
Is to look around and see you.
Is that hard to do?
__________________
31 May 2012
Discoveries
You won't imagine what kind of punishment I've been through just to get home tonight. And I got home, tired but safe.. and speechless.
Have you ever been in a place where there is no vehicle to ride on to or whatsoever? Been one of the thousand humans trapped in a place where you have to walk and walk and walk just to get to your destination?
It took me forever to get here in fact. And I wonder if those people got home safe this time of the night.
I can't talk to anyone after these events. I'm so tired my mouth can't withstand the will to open and murmur anything. Just anything. But my hands are too tired of waiting, need to say these things right now.
I discovered so many things today.
Things that are already there but I just didn't noticed at all. They've been neglected, forgotten- by me.
First, I realized what if I just forget about them then I can escape by myself. Leaving them behind and move on. They have someone to depend on to. Why me? When I, in the very first place, have nothing but pity for them. No responsibility. No obligations. I needed my freedom, badly. I needed it so much I'm crying right now while saying this. Why? Because it's so hard. It's so hard to earn the kind of freedom in this situation.
Second. No matter how hard this life can be, I still hold on to you. Not because I don't have any choice but because you need us to live. You are there because of us. We are holding on to you simply because you are STILL there. So we continue to live, by your side no matter how cruel and irresponsible you are. But why? You even have the heart to leave us? Yah, you're too much! I always say to them, "I still believe she will change. Let us give her another chance. I know she will."
I know you will.. But you can't.
No matter how much we hold on to you, you won't change. No matter how much we endure all the pains you won't see it. Cause you are too blind to see even your own mistakes.
We need to escape.
As soon as possible.
Third. This was the most intriguing. I realized I'm one of the "Reckless Actions First Before Thinking For A Second Club", that's why I suffered this night. If I ever think just for a second, it won't happen to me. I'm so stupid I hated myself so much.
Fourth. I was never the friendly type of person. I do have friends. Few friends. But I wasn't the loner either. I just don't have so many friends. See, I have the hard time memorizing names of people. But I have the ability to recognize a certain person even if I just met him/her once. Just don't ask me the name, it's another story. Anyway, I made friends with 6 people this night. Really. It was awesome! Awesome to the point of asking them if I can go and live with them. Not minding going back to this small house anymore. Really. I never felt that thing, so close, to the point of asking too much when the only conversation we had was "Is this the passenger lane to Lopez?". So close. So close- losing every senses. Really. In fact, for a second, I regretted going home tonight. I might end up in the street but going back here, again, it's another story.
Fifth. I will never go to Parañaque anymore. Even if it meant killing myself. I just discovered that that place was a place not designed for real people. I've suffered a lot this night. That place was hell and hell and hell. And hey, this is just my opinion.
Oh, I forgot, what if I'm going to the airport? Aw..
Sixth.I'm selfish.
I know I discovered a lot today, just don't remember all of them.
Tabitha, where are you now? I went to your house in Casimiro but you weren't there. I mean, your whole family had moved out more than a year ago, I found out from your old neighbor. I'm sorry about your father. I didn't get to visit him in his wake. These are the times when I do miss you. I went to the park near the chapel. But I have some things to do and didn't got the chance to sit on the swing we usually play at. I saw the tree. Tried to go near the tree but I'm afraid. Afraid, I won't see the marks we made. I just hope it is still there. Where do you live now? I know, when you read this, it's too late. But I really miss you right now. You will always be my best friend. That's one of the true things in this world that full of lies.
Just take care.
You won't imagine what kind of punishment I've been through just to get home tonight. And I got home, tired but safe.. and speechless.
Have you ever been in a place where there is no vehicle to ride on to or whatsoever? Been one of the thousand humans trapped in a place where you have to walk and walk and walk just to get to your destination?
It took me forever to get here in fact. And I wonder if those people got home safe this time of the night.
I can't talk to anyone after these events. I'm so tired my mouth can't withstand the will to open and murmur anything. Just anything. But my hands are too tired of waiting, need to say these things right now.
I discovered so many things today.
Things that are already there but I just didn't noticed at all. They've been neglected, forgotten- by me.
First, I realized what if I just forget about them then I can escape by myself. Leaving them behind and move on. They have someone to depend on to. Why me? When I, in the very first place, have nothing but pity for them. No responsibility. No obligations. I needed my freedom, badly. I needed it so much I'm crying right now while saying this. Why? Because it's so hard. It's so hard to earn the kind of freedom in this situation.
Second. No matter how hard this life can be, I still hold on to you. Not because I don't have any choice but because you need us to live. You are there because of us. We are holding on to you simply because you are STILL there. So we continue to live, by your side no matter how cruel and irresponsible you are. But why? You even have the heart to leave us? Yah, you're too much! I always say to them, "I still believe she will change. Let us give her another chance. I know she will."
I know you will.. But you can't.
No matter how much we hold on to you, you won't change. No matter how much we endure all the pains you won't see it. Cause you are too blind to see even your own mistakes.
We need to escape.
As soon as possible.
Third. This was the most intriguing. I realized I'm one of the "Reckless Actions First Before Thinking For A Second Club", that's why I suffered this night. If I ever think just for a second, it won't happen to me. I'm so stupid I hated myself so much.
Fourth. I was never the friendly type of person. I do have friends. Few friends. But I wasn't the loner either. I just don't have so many friends. See, I have the hard time memorizing names of people. But I have the ability to recognize a certain person even if I just met him/her once. Just don't ask me the name, it's another story. Anyway, I made friends with 6 people this night. Really. It was awesome! Awesome to the point of asking them if I can go and live with them. Not minding going back to this small house anymore. Really. I never felt that thing, so close, to the point of asking too much when the only conversation we had was "Is this the passenger lane to Lopez?". So close. So close- losing every senses. Really. In fact, for a second, I regretted going home tonight. I might end up in the street but going back here, again, it's another story.
Fifth. I will never go to Parañaque anymore. Even if it meant killing myself. I just discovered that that place was a place not designed for real people. I've suffered a lot this night. That place was hell and hell and hell. And hey, this is just my opinion.
Oh, I forgot, what if I'm going to the airport? Aw..
Sixth.
I know I discovered a lot today, just don't remember all of them.
Tabitha, where are you now? I went to your house in Casimiro but you weren't there. I mean, your whole family had moved out more than a year ago, I found out from your old neighbor. I'm sorry about your father. I didn't get to visit him in his wake. These are the times when I do miss you. I went to the park near the chapel. But I have some things to do and didn't got the chance to sit on the swing we usually play at. I saw the tree. Tried to go near the tree but I'm afraid. Afraid, I won't see the marks we made. I just hope it is still there. Where do you live now? I know, when you read this, it's too late. But I really miss you right now. You will always be my best friend. That's one of the true things in this world that full of lies.
Just take care.
E.T.
_____________________________
30 May 2012
28 May 2012
27 May 2012
Scattered.
How more scattered my thoughts are, the worse this whole-moving-out-moving-in-episode have been. And I am the only one who's tired up to the bones. My legs are still shaking this morning and I don't know how to arrange our things. In fact, me and those two guys are the only ones who packed up our things, not to mention, those big cupboards, cabinets, sofas, everything you would imagine- I carried them using my weak arms. And I'm having my back pain again.
And all I want is to go back there, lay on anything I could find and sleep.
The first night was so hard, I'm just staring at my new room's color beige wall. I realized, every movement need a hammer to do the thing. And I did a lot of holes on the wall. ^^
How more scattered my thoughts are, the worse this whole-moving-out-moving-in-episode have been. And I am the only one who's tired up to the bones. My legs are still shaking this morning and I don't know how to arrange our things. In fact, me and those two guys are the only ones who packed up our things, not to mention, those big cupboards, cabinets, sofas, everything you would imagine- I carried them using my weak arms. And I'm having my back pain again.
And all I want is to go back there, lay on anything I could find and sleep.
The first night was so hard, I'm just staring at my new room's color beige wall. I realized, every movement need a hammer to do the thing. And I did a lot of holes on the wall. ^^
Changes that I can't digest so far..
___________________________
24 May 2012
SOFALAZ
We are going to move out tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow, Friday morning. As soon as possible. As soon as the Gods would allow us.
This event was just told by my mother a minute ago. And it's like...
Ahhh..
Wahhh..
Yesssss..
BUT no!
My cousin Raymond named our little nest Sofalaz. You'll know why it is called Sofalaz when you get here. But mom won't be moving out. She will still occupy the whole house, by herself. Alone. God knows I don't really care.
What bothers me is that how I wish we would move to a DIFFERENT PLACE, or TOWN, or let's say on a FAR, FAR PROVINCE but with an urbanized atmosphere. But it was the other way, we are moving JUST THERE. On the next block! And I can still see the roof of Sofalaz from there!
We've been in Sofalaz for the past 16, 17 years. I think, since I was 5 years old. I can still remember how Sofalaz looked like back then. The former owner of this building sells everything about paints and hardwares. So when we moved in here, there are a lot of left over paints that haven't been used. I remembered finding a box of roller paint in a cupboard that was also left by the owner.
Sofalaz, a house that housed so many souls. The only place which saw everything that's happening in my everyday life.. The night-cries, the forgotten dreams and broken hearts still lying, shattered around the bare walls. This house knows a lot of secret and dreams. Our memories will always remain here until someone bulldoze this building. ^^
Have you ever felt that thing when you go to other people's house. It's either it has the sense of home or not. Because every house has its own soul.
I am going to buy this land someday. This is not a promise. 'Cause I know it'll happen.
We're moving out. I'm moving out. And I'll miss every corner of this house. I'll miss the bathroom, the rusty roof in the backyard. The bare walls that haven't been painted in ages. The floor that haven't been waxed in decades.. Gosh, this is heavy and sad.
And this might be the last post that I'll be writing while sitting in front of this aging computer. The next posts will about my next life adventures.
We are going to move out tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow, Friday morning. As soon as possible. As soon as the Gods would allow us.
This event was just told by my mother a minute ago. And it's like...
Ahhh..
Wahhh..
Yesssss..
BUT no!
My cousin Raymond named our little nest Sofalaz. You'll know why it is called Sofalaz when you get here. But mom won't be moving out. She will still occupy the whole house, by herself. Alone. God knows I don't really care.
What bothers me is that how I wish we would move to a DIFFERENT PLACE, or TOWN, or let's say on a FAR, FAR PROVINCE but with an urbanized atmosphere. But it was the other way, we are moving JUST THERE. On the next block! And I can still see the roof of Sofalaz from there!
We've been in Sofalaz for the past 16, 17 years. I think, since I was 5 years old. I can still remember how Sofalaz looked like back then. The former owner of this building sells everything about paints and hardwares. So when we moved in here, there are a lot of left over paints that haven't been used. I remembered finding a box of roller paint in a cupboard that was also left by the owner.
Sofalaz, a house that housed so many souls. The only place which saw everything that's happening in my everyday life.. The night-cries, the forgotten dreams and broken hearts still lying, shattered around the bare walls. This house knows a lot of secret and dreams. Our memories will always remain here until someone bulldoze this building. ^^
Have you ever felt that thing when you go to other people's house. It's either it has the sense of home or not. Because every house has its own soul.
I am going to buy this land someday. This is not a promise. 'Cause I know it'll happen.
We're moving out. I'm moving out. And I'll miss every corner of this house. I'll miss the bathroom, the rusty roof in the backyard. The bare walls that haven't been painted in ages. The floor that haven't been waxed in decades.. Gosh, this is heavy and sad.
And this might be the last post that I'll be writing while sitting in front of this aging computer. The next posts will about my next life adventures.
You know the truth. You know what happened. And it will be our own little secret.
____________________________
23 May 2012
22 May 2012
CRYsis
Things are getting too much for worse this days. There are only 13 days left for the biggest crisis of this year. I'm wondering if there's still at least a drop of patience left for myself. For them. For her.
Absolutely for her.
And you still dare to ignore these things!
When are you going to shake that empty head of yours? Wake up! We ARE dying right here, right now! And there's no more time left for me to stay long. You think I'm going to leave them? Huh, I'm going off-with them in my pocket. I won't let you ruin them like you did to the three of us.
What an irresponsible human being you really are. Well, humans are like that. The kind of nature a human being has- you have them a lot!
I can't take these things anymore.
I can't make up for all the things you can't do anymore.
I'm not going to be martyr anymore.
And I'm going.. Leaving you with nothing.
That is for sure.
Gosh, what kind of crisis is this? Trials that are so hard.. Like a high mountain that we have to climb.
And I'm getting this feeling again.. I felt this 4 years ago. The impossibility of ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD is so possible. It's coming. It's happening.
Things are getting too much for worse this days. There are only 13 days left for the biggest crisis of this year. I'm wondering if there's still at least a drop of patience left for myself. For them. For her.
Absolutely for her.
And you still dare to ignore these things!
When are you going to shake that empty head of yours? Wake up! We ARE dying right here, right now! And there's no more time left for me to stay long. You think I'm going to leave them? Huh, I'm going off-with them in my pocket. I won't let you ruin them like you did to the three of us.
What an irresponsible human being you really are. Well, humans are like that. The kind of nature a human being has- you have them a lot!
I can't take these things anymore.
I can't make up for all the things you can't do anymore.
I'm not going to be martyr anymore.
And I'm going.. Leaving you with nothing.
That is for sure.
Gosh, what kind of crisis is this? Trials that are so hard.. Like a high mountain that we have to climb.
And I'm getting this feeling again.. I felt this 4 years ago. The impossibility of ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD is so possible. It's coming. It's happening.
It's so cold.
____________________________
21 May 2012
19 May 2012
Blue Sky
I will make a letter for myself. A letter I want to read someday. From me. But I'm making it today.
When I was in high school I would often receive letters. And I collected them from then on. Since 2002. Really. Until now. I have around more than a hundred different kinds of cards, notes that looked like a letter (what the hell make a note like that? Two pages long?), birthday cards, and everything close to a letter. There are some with stamps on it. When cellphones was starting to be the biggest trend of the town, they still send me letters like that. The only letter that doesn't belong to me was from a classmate, it was his excuse letter from being absent for two consecutive days. The funny thing was he told me to give it to our adviser but I didn't get to give the letter. Up until now. I don't like passing messages from someone to somebody. I'm not a messenger. I just want to receive letters, of course letters for me, and collect them.
Oh, the biggest one was written on a cartolina. A birthday gift when I turned 17 from all of my classmates in college. It was a surprise because all of them, including our Communication Skills teacher wrote a note on the big card as well.
Frances, one of my oldest friend from high school sent me a birthday letter last year.
So far, that's the last one.
Back to the letter for the future..
My dearest self in the future,
Hey, you made it right? You made it up to that age, that's what I mean. I never thought you'd going to be that old. I thought 'WE' are going to die before 'I' could even write this letter.
How's the weather? I still can't get used to the usual 35°C, I wonder if it's still the norm. So put a lot of sunblock and never go out without bringing an umbrella. I just wish by that time YOU could buy an umbrella for US since I never owned an umbrella before. :D
Do you still look at the sky every night? I hope that that habit won't change in YOUR time.
How's OUR family? Getting strong? Or getting distant with each other?
How's Mike and Jhara? Are they doing good in school?
How's our cat with her four little kittens? Still alive?
How's OUR life? doing well? In career? In family? In love? In the community?
I said I want to be a successful business entrepreneur, did that happened? Doing good?
Have you travelled alot? Can you speak Korean well? Have you tried disposing that thing in OUR little bucket or you disposed it permanently? Have you tried to go to the doctor for ECG? I still haven't so far, I hope you'll do it by then. Do you still live in that house? Or you manage to escape? Do you back still aches like hell? Ya, just go to the doctor. I'm sure you got a lot of money! Pity ME, I don't even have a cent. So at least do it for US.
I am hoping for the best for the both of US. I 'wrote' you a letter because you don't want to read a letter with tragic events on it. I want YOU to read a letter asking About your life in THAT NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE. Just want you to know that I, here in front of this aging computer right now IS still hoping that maybe someday, WE will make it together.
You'll read this someday and I want you to answer this with pride. Because I'm doing all my might to change this present life for our better future.
Never give up.
Just always feel my undying love.. Ayee..
Always loving YOU..
Me.
P.S. I'm listening to OUR latest favorite song. Guess what is it? Bleeh.. Secret!
I will make a letter for myself. A letter I want to read someday. From me. But I'm making it today.
When I was in high school I would often receive letters. And I collected them from then on. Since 2002. Really. Until now. I have around more than a hundred different kinds of cards, notes that looked like a letter (what the hell make a note like that? Two pages long?), birthday cards, and everything close to a letter. There are some with stamps on it. When cellphones was starting to be the biggest trend of the town, they still send me letters like that. The only letter that doesn't belong to me was from a classmate, it was his excuse letter from being absent for two consecutive days. The funny thing was he told me to give it to our adviser but I didn't get to give the letter. Up until now. I don't like passing messages from someone to somebody. I'm not a messenger. I just want to receive letters, of course letters for me, and collect them.
Oh, the biggest one was written on a cartolina. A birthday gift when I turned 17 from all of my classmates in college. It was a surprise because all of them, including our Communication Skills teacher wrote a note on the big card as well.
Frances, one of my oldest friend from high school sent me a birthday letter last year.
So far, that's the last one.
Back to the letter for the future..
***
My dearest self in the future,
Hey, you made it right? You made it up to that age, that's what I mean. I never thought you'd going to be that old. I thought 'WE' are going to die before 'I' could even write this letter.
How's the weather? I still can't get used to the usual 35°C, I wonder if it's still the norm. So put a lot of sunblock and never go out without bringing an umbrella. I just wish by that time YOU could buy an umbrella for US since I never owned an umbrella before. :D
Do you still look at the sky every night? I hope that that habit won't change in YOUR time.
How's OUR family? Getting strong? Or getting distant with each other?
How's Mike and Jhara? Are they doing good in school?
How's our cat with her four little kittens? Still alive?
How's OUR life? doing well? In career? In family? In love? In the community?
I said I want to be a successful business entrepreneur, did that happened? Doing good?
Have you travelled alot? Can you speak Korean well? Have you tried disposing that thing in OUR little bucket or you disposed it permanently? Have you tried to go to the doctor for ECG? I still haven't so far, I hope you'll do it by then. Do you still live in that house? Or you manage to escape? Do you back still aches like hell? Ya, just go to the doctor. I'm sure you got a lot of money! Pity ME, I don't even have a cent. So at least do it for US.
I am hoping for the best for the both of US. I 'wrote' you a letter because you don't want to read a letter with tragic events on it. I want YOU to read a letter asking About your life in THAT NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE. Just want you to know that I, here in front of this aging computer right now IS still hoping that maybe someday, WE will make it together.
You'll read this someday and I want you to answer this with pride. Because I'm doing all my might to change this present life for our better future.
Never give up.
Just always feel my undying love.. Ayee..
Always loving YOU..
Me.
P.S. I'm listening to OUR latest favorite song. Guess what is it? Bleeh.. Secret!
***
Will someone send this to me 'someday'? :)
The flower that blooms in adversity is the most beautiful of all.
- Mulan
________________________________
17 May 2012
Black in White
I dreamed again. And I really don't know why I feel like sharing my dreams here. ^^
Like it's my responsibility to share something really personal.
Dreams. When I was young my dreams seems to be petty like drowning in the sea, falling from somewhere too high or running away from a chasing giant. But now, my dreams are too real I feel like not waking up anymore.
Because in my dreams, no matter how impossible the situation is, I still manage to survive and it has a lot of possibilities the real world doesn't have.
I dreamed of something far from reality in fact. I dreamed that I was in an empty room in a certain school. And there were other people, too. There was a girl who was writing in a notebook sitting far from me. Then someone entered the room with a handful of groceries. The man who came that was carrying three paper bags in both arms approached me saying, "Hey, look for Niño. When you find him, ask for the digital camera and the notebook." After that, the man disappeared and I suddenly found myself walking along the long hallway looking for this person who named Niño. And I found him, lying on the floor behind a plastic bench. He's not sleeping but lying there, as if he was expecting me. Then I said, "Niño, let's go. I need the stuff the man asked me to get from you." He got up and we walked towards the stair. And because every dream has its own dramatic scene taken out from a movie, mine has it too. Niño said we need to 'climb' up the stairs. It wasn't a staircase but a metal stair attached to the wall. The one you'll usually see in a fire exit. The distance of every steps on the stairs are too wide that's why it was hard to climbed. So we climbed as if it was a normal staircase. After we climbed up to the second floor, he said that we are going up to the last floor. There were so many students swarming the stairs sideways. And I remembered that it was the staircase after all. Students do stay on the stairs chatting with other students. But the strangest of the strangest was the stairs. I found out that it wasn't really attached to the wall and it moves to the right and left leading us to another metal stair. You just have to climb like a fool. But that's not all, while the stairs move like that, other stairs are turning like a propeller or moving up-side down. What a bunch of weird stairs. And I feel like tired because of the stairs. You have to climb here and there like Tarzan to get up to the top. But Niño seems to enjoy the thing. And then finally, we reached the top floor. When I turned around, Niño disappeared from my sight and there was a classroom filled with students. I entered the room and there was a teacher in the front calling out the student's names one by one. Attendance? But I feel like I don't belong to this group of people and I am just looking for Niño again who disappeared a while ago. On the side there was a television showing a certain scene in the movie Happy Feet and the teacher who calls the student's name would ocassionally joke that the students looked like the penguins from the movie. Then suddenly, Niño appeared again out of nowhere, standing beside me telling the teacher that he would like to sit beside me because we have something to talk to. Then, because it was only a dream after all, I woke up. Without. Notice.
I woke up from a dream that doesn't have anything to do with the reality. The only major point from my dream is that school year will start this coming June and it is too impossible for me to go back to school with this situation of mine. Otherwise, there would be a big clash of miracle. But then, it is too impossible.
What I like about my dream is that it has the touch of what is happening right now. It has some hidden message that maybe our beloved Mighty One is telling me. He is sending me some signs telling me that I shouldn't have to give up but fight and continue. Thinking about it, this was a very good dream after a long, long time. He's sending me some signs. The person who named Niño and the stairs makes me feel strong. I think, the hidden message was the weird stairs. What on earth make a stairs like that when you can make a more conventional one. In my dream I have to act like Tarzan! But after climbing the stairs we still reached the top. At least in my dream I made it. Maybe, he's telling me that my life won't be a good ride but no matter how hard it is to go to the top, somehow (and someday) I'll find the trick to turn things around.
And I know that soon I'll find it. I just have to find it continuously and never get tired.
What a good message.
I dreamed again. And I really don't know why I feel like sharing my dreams here. ^^
Like it's my responsibility to share something really personal.
Dreams. When I was young my dreams seems to be petty like drowning in the sea, falling from somewhere too high or running away from a chasing giant. But now, my dreams are too real I feel like not waking up anymore.
Because in my dreams, no matter how impossible the situation is, I still manage to survive and it has a lot of possibilities the real world doesn't have.
I dreamed of something far from reality in fact. I dreamed that I was in an empty room in a certain school. And there were other people, too. There was a girl who was writing in a notebook sitting far from me. Then someone entered the room with a handful of groceries. The man who came that was carrying three paper bags in both arms approached me saying, "Hey, look for Niño. When you find him, ask for the digital camera and the notebook." After that, the man disappeared and I suddenly found myself walking along the long hallway looking for this person who named Niño. And I found him, lying on the floor behind a plastic bench. He's not sleeping but lying there, as if he was expecting me. Then I said, "Niño, let's go. I need the stuff the man asked me to get from you." He got up and we walked towards the stair. And because every dream has its own dramatic scene taken out from a movie, mine has it too. Niño said we need to 'climb' up the stairs. It wasn't a staircase but a metal stair attached to the wall. The one you'll usually see in a fire exit. The distance of every steps on the stairs are too wide that's why it was hard to climbed. So we climbed as if it was a normal staircase. After we climbed up to the second floor, he said that we are going up to the last floor. There were so many students swarming the stairs sideways. And I remembered that it was the staircase after all. Students do stay on the stairs chatting with other students. But the strangest of the strangest was the stairs. I found out that it wasn't really attached to the wall and it moves to the right and left leading us to another metal stair. You just have to climb like a fool. But that's not all, while the stairs move like that, other stairs are turning like a propeller or moving up-side down. What a bunch of weird stairs. And I feel like tired because of the stairs. You have to climb here and there like Tarzan to get up to the top. But Niño seems to enjoy the thing. And then finally, we reached the top floor. When I turned around, Niño disappeared from my sight and there was a classroom filled with students. I entered the room and there was a teacher in the front calling out the student's names one by one. Attendance? But I feel like I don't belong to this group of people and I am just looking for Niño again who disappeared a while ago. On the side there was a television showing a certain scene in the movie Happy Feet and the teacher who calls the student's name would ocassionally joke that the students looked like the penguins from the movie. Then suddenly, Niño appeared again out of nowhere, standing beside me telling the teacher that he would like to sit beside me because we have something to talk to. Then, because it was only a dream after all, I woke up. Without. Notice.
I woke up from a dream that doesn't have anything to do with the reality. The only major point from my dream is that school year will start this coming June and it is too impossible for me to go back to school with this situation of mine. Otherwise, there would be a big clash of miracle. But then, it is too impossible.
What I like about my dream is that it has the touch of what is happening right now. It has some hidden message that maybe our beloved Mighty One is telling me. He is sending me some signs telling me that I shouldn't have to give up but fight and continue. Thinking about it, this was a very good dream after a long, long time. He's sending me some signs. The person who named Niño and the stairs makes me feel strong. I think, the hidden message was the weird stairs. What on earth make a stairs like that when you can make a more conventional one. In my dream I have to act like Tarzan! But after climbing the stairs we still reached the top. At least in my dream I made it. Maybe, he's telling me that my life won't be a good ride but no matter how hard it is to go to the top, somehow (and someday) I'll find the trick to turn things around.
And I know that soon I'll find it. I just have to find it continuously and never get tired.
What a good message.
"Stay Balanced. Got it?"
- Hello Ghost
________________________________
14 May 2012
I'm late..
Again. I haven't greeted my mother a Happy Mother's Day yesterday. And still haven't done that energy-eater thing until now. There's no point in making this matter a big deal when it's too late.
'Cause every single day I try my very best to express my love for you no matter how unmotherly you are to us, your children. But I'm surprised when you said you'll going to massage my aching back last night. When was the last time we did that? Over a year or 5 years ago?
The fact that our memories in my mind are blurry makes me sad. There are some that are vivid but I can't really remember them.
They say that one of the loneliest things in life is when you miss the person who is just around. If missing a person who isn't around is worse, then how about missing, longing for the person that is just a bedroom away. Worst.
I miss the person you are before. And I'll be glad to see you like that even for a minute. You left us without any marks of your old self before. It breaks my heart.
I want you to know that no matter how different you are right now, I silently take some of your pains. You know, I'm here. Your pains are my pains. You heartaches are my heartaches. And I'm going to protect you no matter how wrong you are 'cause I'm your daughter. 'Cause people says we look so much alike. :)
I love you Ma. Never forget that.
I hope you can feel the love I express the way only Elleine can do. ♥
Again. I haven't greeted my mother a Happy Mother's Day yesterday. And still haven't done that energy-eater thing until now. There's no point in making this matter a big deal when it's too late.
'Cause every single day I try my very best to express my love for you no matter how unmotherly you are to us, your children. But I'm surprised when you said you'll going to massage my aching back last night. When was the last time we did that? Over a year or 5 years ago?
The fact that our memories in my mind are blurry makes me sad. There are some that are vivid but I can't really remember them.
They say that one of the loneliest things in life is when you miss the person who is just around. If missing a person who isn't around is worse, then how about missing, longing for the person that is just a bedroom away. Worst.
I miss the person you are before. And I'll be glad to see you like that even for a minute. You left us without any marks of your old self before. It breaks my heart.
I want you to know that no matter how different you are right now, I silently take some of your pains. You know, I'm here. Your pains are my pains. You heartaches are my heartaches. And I'm going to protect you no matter how wrong you are 'cause I'm your daughter. 'Cause people says we look so much alike. :)
I love you Ma. Never forget that.
I hope you can feel the love I express the way only Elleine can do. ♥
Mothers are the real superheroes.
_____________________
13 May 2012
12.10.14
I dreamed of something last night- numbers 12, 10. and 14. And there were other numbers that I can't remember. I just know that it's all about numbers. The rest are blurred but the numbers 12, 10, 14 are so clear.
They are written in a poster or somewhat like a calendar that was hanging onto the wall. When I woke up, I feel so strange. Maybe I should buy a lotto? Are they MY winning numbers? XD
It was kind of strange especially the number 12. In my dream it was written on a poster that looked like a calendar. In fact it really looked like a calendar with boxes but in my dream, only number 12 was written and it was encircled. And there's 10 and 14 that was written also but on another calendar.
I think about this dream the whole day and I realized, it could be a date. I write dates using the pattern of Year/Month/Day. I don't follow the Month/Day/Year pattern at all. Although the Y/M/D pattern take me some trouble most of the time, I still have the habit of using this pattern.
So it like..
2012/10/14
or
12/10/2014
The numbers are in order the way I saw them in my dream.
I just feel so strange I even put this here.. ^^
What do you think?
Is it a Lottery number or the dates?
I feel like anticipating these dates in the future. The 2012/10/14 is quite near than 12/10/2014..
I'll keep you updated when that day comes.. :D
I dreamed of something last night- numbers 12, 10. and 14. And there were other numbers that I can't remember. I just know that it's all about numbers. The rest are blurred but the numbers 12, 10, 14 are so clear.
They are written in a poster or somewhat like a calendar that was hanging onto the wall. When I woke up, I feel so strange. Maybe I should buy a lotto? Are they MY winning numbers? XD
It was kind of strange especially the number 12. In my dream it was written on a poster that looked like a calendar. In fact it really looked like a calendar with boxes but in my dream, only number 12 was written and it was encircled. And there's 10 and 14 that was written also but on another calendar.
I think about this dream the whole day and I realized, it could be a date. I write dates using the pattern of Year/Month/Day. I don't follow the Month/Day/Year pattern at all. Although the Y/M/D pattern take me some trouble most of the time, I still have the habit of using this pattern.
So it like..
2012/10/14
or
12/10/2014
The numbers are in order the way I saw them in my dream.
I just feel so strange I even put this here.. ^^
What do you think?
Is it a Lottery number or the dates?
I feel like anticipating these dates in the future. The 2012/10/14 is quite near than 12/10/2014..
I'll keep you updated when that day comes.. :D
Love allows you to see the good in a person, even when no one else does.
___________________
08 May 2012
Ingredients..
This word's quite hard to pronounce at first. I remembered my 3rd grade teacher in English made me squat the whole class hour because I couldn't pronounce this word- Ingredients. So every time I would hear or read this somewhere, it reminds me that somehow in the past, I am, too, like everybody entered this world with nothing. That I know nothing in the beginning. That I came from nothing. I have nothing when I got here. And still has nothing to offer either.
So let us learn new things in the future.
And in top of that, I hope that when I find a good job I'll save money for my sister's eyes. I hope I can save a lot of money for her eye operation. She would love to know that her soon-to-be-blind-eyes still have the possibilities to improve. A laser surgery would do. She's so worried about it right now. I am, too. >.<
Let's see if this would be possible in this lifetime..
This word's quite hard to pronounce at first. I remembered my 3rd grade teacher in English made me squat the whole class hour because I couldn't pronounce this word- Ingredients. So every time I would hear or read this somewhere, it reminds me that somehow in the past, I am, too, like everybody entered this world with nothing. That I know nothing in the beginning. That I came from nothing. I have nothing when I got here. And still has nothing to offer either.
So let us learn new things in the future.
And in top of that, I hope that when I find a good job I'll save money for my sister's eyes. I hope I can save a lot of money for her eye operation. She would love to know that her soon-to-be-blind-eyes still have the possibilities to improve. A laser surgery would do. She's so worried about it right now. I am, too. >.<
Let's see if this would be possible in this lifetime..
"When I get the feeling of people doubting the possibility of something
An enormous desire to challenge them would emerge."
_________________________
07 May 2012
Maybe You Should Know
Kenny Rogers
Seems to me that we've been friends forever
We spend our time together as all good friends will do
But the silence only lies
If you could read my eyes
They hold another feeling
I could show you
Maybe you should know
Just how much I love you
In my heart there's no one else above you
Maybe I should hope
You find out for yourself somehow
Or maybe I should tell you now
Maybe I should wait and take the chances
A good dancer never dances
Until he hears the cue
But the orchestra is gone
They've left us all alone
There's no one here to tell me how to tell you
Maybe you should know
Just how much I love you
In my heart there's no one else above you
Maybe I should hope
You find out for yourself somehow
Or maybe I should tell you
Maybe I should tell you
Maybe I should tell you now
___________________
05 May 2012
Pirated song
My sister's like a pirated song or sometimes Sirang Plaka. She has the habit of telling me the same odd and old stories, either it happened last 5 years ago or yesterday. She would tell me as if it's like the first time. With the same patterns and same words.
But because I'm her good-little sister, I'll listen to her stories, of course, as if it's the first time I'll be hearing them. I'd question her about the story sometimes. Haha..
I write this because she just tell me about the story on how she applied on this particular company inside MOA two years ago. I heard that story more than ten times and I just heard it again awhile ago.
But these past few days was hard for me (As if it wasn't at the first place??). I'd listen to her stories with a tired face and body. Just to go with the flow.. And it's not easy.
I'm getting tired of so many things when I have so many thoughts and plans. Before I could get up of bed, I'd be thinking of 5 things to do. And my mind would be tired after that. But none of the things I've thought earlier would be done, and at the end of the day, I realized I've been thinking of the same five things I wanna do but then I haven't get to start on any of them.
The chances of succeeding at something has ceased to exist. The rate at failing at so many things all at the same time seems to increase by the end of the day. Really. Poor. Me.
I can't even write when I want to. I have no pen to use. I can't sit comfortably because my back aches like hell. How am I gonna pass these miseries? I might spend my whole life thinking of a better solutions for these problems but won't be able to solve any of them.
When someday I'll get to read this post again, I don't want to remember the same feeling I feel right now. I want to remember the other feeling that I feel on the other end of these dilemmas.
And while writing here, I remembered the time when I was applying for this particular company in Quezon City. The fact that I made it to the final interview was a blessing for me. I felt so lucky that day. Have you ever felt that being so nervous that you are shaking. So excited that you can't concentrate. So hungry that you feel like walking out of the door. So tired that you almost fell asleep while you are being interviewed? Those feelings are just momentarily. It won't linger on you that much. Unlike being angry or in love. I love those moments. Moments like eternity. Those moments when that 10 minutes interview feels like it would take forever.
I was once scheduled for a final interview that day but I was so nervous I don't think I can make it. But because I am the type of person who wonders what is it like to be on the other end. On the other side. I wanna know what is it like to be accepted. How does it feels? Just like winning on the lottery. I want to know what is waiting for me on the other end of this events. I want to experience those things first hand. So I waited. Took my opportunity seriously to the bones and finally got accepted. And It was like that. As if all the stars and angels and smiles and blessing are right in front of my very eyes. Everything's positive and possible.
And I want to feel those things again.
Maybe someday, I'll look and stumble over this post and remember how miserable I am right now. No one seems to care or take time to look or ask me how does it feel to be me.
Maybe someday, I'll really look at this particular post of mine and tell myself, "You've passed that phase of your life and now living a more wonderful one that you've imagined."
I like that thought. And if I like that thought, I should do something, right? I should not be discourage by them at all.
Fight, Elleine!!
You'll going to make it big.
Someday.
Somehow.
You'll make it. ^^
My sister's like a pirated song or sometimes Sirang Plaka. She has the habit of telling me the same odd and old stories, either it happened last 5 years ago or yesterday. She would tell me as if it's like the first time. With the same patterns and same words.
But because I'm her good-little sister, I'll listen to her stories, of course, as if it's the first time I'll be hearing them. I'd question her about the story sometimes. Haha..
I write this because she just tell me about the story on how she applied on this particular company inside MOA two years ago. I heard that story more than ten times and I just heard it again awhile ago.
But these past few days was hard for me (As if it wasn't at the first place??). I'd listen to her stories with a tired face and body. Just to go with the flow.. And it's not easy.
I'm getting tired of so many things when I have so many thoughts and plans. Before I could get up of bed, I'd be thinking of 5 things to do. And my mind would be tired after that. But none of the things I've thought earlier would be done, and at the end of the day, I realized I've been thinking of the same five things I wanna do but then I haven't get to start on any of them.
The chances of succeeding at something has ceased to exist. The rate at failing at so many things all at the same time seems to increase by the end of the day. Really. Poor. Me.
I can't even write when I want to. I have no pen to use. I can't sit comfortably because my back aches like hell. How am I gonna pass these miseries? I might spend my whole life thinking of a better solutions for these problems but won't be able to solve any of them.
When someday I'll get to read this post again, I don't want to remember the same feeling I feel right now. I want to remember the other feeling that I feel on the other end of these dilemmas.
And while writing here, I remembered the time when I was applying for this particular company in Quezon City. The fact that I made it to the final interview was a blessing for me. I felt so lucky that day. Have you ever felt that being so nervous that you are shaking. So excited that you can't concentrate. So hungry that you feel like walking out of the door. So tired that you almost fell asleep while you are being interviewed? Those feelings are just momentarily. It won't linger on you that much. Unlike being angry or in love. I love those moments. Moments like eternity. Those moments when that 10 minutes interview feels like it would take forever.
I was once scheduled for a final interview that day but I was so nervous I don't think I can make it. But because I am the type of person who wonders what is it like to be on the other end. On the other side. I wanna know what is it like to be accepted. How does it feels? Just like winning on the lottery. I want to know what is waiting for me on the other end of this events. I want to experience those things first hand. So I waited. Took my opportunity seriously to the bones and finally got accepted. And It was like that. As if all the stars and angels and smiles and blessing are right in front of my very eyes. Everything's positive and possible.
And I want to feel those things again.
Maybe someday, I'll look and stumble over this post and remember how miserable I am right now. No one seems to care or take time to look or ask me how does it feel to be me.
Maybe someday, I'll really look at this particular post of mine and tell myself, "You've passed that phase of your life and now living a more wonderful one that you've imagined."
I like that thought. And if I like that thought, I should do something, right? I should not be discourage by them at all.
Fight, Elleine!!
You'll going to make it big.
Someday.
Somehow.
You'll make it. ^^
___________________________
03 May 2012
Devil with Beautiful Wings
Someone came to our house again. But this time, a not-so-distant relative that until this very moment I still don't know her name.
I'll probably won't know her name at all unless I'll ask. But again, I'll probably won't know 'cause I won't ask. :D
She will live with us. Bow.
Another addition to our getting bigger, getting wider family and we'll all have this feeling of 'getting distant to everyone'.. What a wholesome family, eh?
They say that if you have a problem, all you need is to know these only two things to solve them: (1) to know what your problem is, and (2) to look for the best solution.
And when you get the first one, you're already half-way darling. All you have to do is to solve the problem- legally or illegally. You choose. But since life is getting harder every minute, you'll probably (and I) choose to solve your problem ilegally. Who knows by the way? And if they know, who cares? They'll care if they're involve. ^^
I recently made a list. Lists, in fact. Things To Do and Things Not To Do. Problems To Solve and Problems Not To Care About At All. It turned out. there are so many lists in the Problem Not To Care About At All and Things Not To Do. I don't know why it was that.
Well, I really don't know why.
I still have a hard time to sleep and waking my body up. It's easy to go to bed, been with bed for 15 hours- that's for everyday. But falling asleep and getting up was always an issue. What to wear, take a bath or not, drink or not, even what music to listen to has become a big issue in my recent activities.
Help.
I getting buried here.
And I don't know what to do.
Typing here is the only thing I'm looking in a day and hell I don't even have an interesting thing to post. Everything's a big waste of electricity.
Should I stop using computer?
See, even using computer is becoming an issue right now.
Should I continue on being an environmentalist?
Oh, then I should switch off the electric cooler and just open the window?
And stop listening to music.
It doesn't make sense if I listen or not.
It would be an issue anyway.
Ah..
Tabz.. are you there?
Can you help me?
I need you help.. badly!
Someone came to our house again. But this time, a not-so-distant relative that until this very moment I still don't know her name.
I'll probably won't know her name at all unless I'll ask. But again, I'll probably won't know 'cause I won't ask. :D
She will live with us. Bow.
Another addition to our getting bigger, getting wider family and we'll all have this feeling of 'getting distant to everyone'.. What a wholesome family, eh?
They say that if you have a problem, all you need is to know these only two things to solve them: (1) to know what your problem is, and (2) to look for the best solution.
And when you get the first one, you're already half-way darling. All you have to do is to solve the problem- legally or illegally. You choose. But since life is getting harder every minute, you'll probably (and I) choose to solve your problem ilegally. Who knows by the way? And if they know, who cares? They'll care if they're involve. ^^
I recently made a list. Lists, in fact. Things To Do and Things Not To Do. Problems To Solve and Problems Not To Care About At All. It turned out. there are so many lists in the Problem Not To Care About At All and Things Not To Do. I don't know why it was that.
Well, I really don't know why.
I still have a hard time to sleep and waking my body up. It's easy to go to bed, been with bed for 15 hours- that's for everyday. But falling asleep and getting up was always an issue. What to wear, take a bath or not, drink or not, even what music to listen to has become a big issue in my recent activities.
Help.
I getting buried here.
And I don't know what to do.
Typing here is the only thing I'm looking in a day and hell I don't even have an interesting thing to post. Everything's a big waste of electricity.
Should I stop using computer?
See, even using computer is becoming an issue right now.
Should I continue on being an environmentalist?
Oh, then I should switch off the electric cooler and just open the window?
And stop listening to music.
It doesn't make sense if I listen or not.
It would be an issue anyway.
Ah..
Tabz.. are you there?
Can you help me?
I need you help.. badly!
________________________
02 May 2012
Hello world!
I wrote a letter to Santa yesterday, hoping he'll get to read my letter in this lifetime. If not, then maybe he'll get to read it until on our next lifetime.
Wishing this life on mine to turn a little around..
This is what the letter contains:
Dear Santa,
Today is May 1st but I find that I actually feel like writing you a letter today. It's so hot and I feel like a little dizzy right now.
Well, how are you? I hope you're doing fine. How's the weather? Our weather's quite sick from the last hundred years and would probably get cruel for the next year. Anyway I wrote you a letter because today's a holiday- Labor Day, in fact.
I wish you could grant the following wishes of mine:
1. I want a job- badly.
2. If there's nothing we can do about the weather, and the increasing cost of electricity, could you please send us SNOW?
3. Or maybe the newest Air Conditioning that just released from the market. The one that could generate great cool air but would cost us NOTHING. ^^
4. Mike and Jhara: To do well in school this year.
5. Can you give me back all the stuff that was lost?
6. Better and free internet connection.
7. Good ending for Rooftop Prince.
8. One year supply of black Faber Castell Ballpen. See, the red one just ran out of ink. (At this point, the red pen I was using had ran out of ink. I lost all of the black ones when my bag was stolen. So I looked for a pencil instead. No choice)
9. To see you (Santa) in person.
10. Ticket to the Lady Gaga concert.
Wishing you good trip,
Elleine
But I haven't got to send the letter to Santa yet because of this one big reason: I do not know where he is right now. Nor his exact address. Poor me, these simple wishes won't come true yet..
I wrote a letter to Santa yesterday, hoping he'll get to read my letter in this lifetime. If not, then maybe he'll get to read it until on our next lifetime.
Wishing this life on mine to turn a little around..
This is what the letter contains:
Dear Santa,
Today is May 1st but I find that I actually feel like writing you a letter today. It's so hot and I feel like a little dizzy right now.
Well, how are you? I hope you're doing fine. How's the weather? Our weather's quite sick from the last hundred years and would probably get cruel for the next year. Anyway I wrote you a letter because today's a holiday- Labor Day, in fact.
I wish you could grant the following wishes of mine:
1. I want a job- badly.
2. If there's nothing we can do about the weather, and the increasing cost of electricity, could you please send us SNOW?
3. Or maybe the newest Air Conditioning that just released from the market. The one that could generate great cool air but would cost us NOTHING. ^^
4. Mike and Jhara: To do well in school this year.
5. Can you give me back all the stuff that was lost?
6. Better and free internet connection.
7. Good ending for Rooftop Prince.
8. One year supply of black Faber Castell Ballpen. See, the red one just ran out of ink. (At this point, the red pen I was using had ran out of ink. I lost all of the black ones when my bag was stolen. So I looked for a pencil instead. No choice)
9. To see you (Santa) in person.
10. Ticket to the Lady Gaga concert.
Wishing you good trip,
Elleine
But I haven't got to send the letter to Santa yet because of this one big reason: I do not know where he is right now. Nor his exact address. Poor me, these simple wishes won't come true yet..
__________________________
01 May 2012
Plan A
Before anything else, I would like to say that I really don't like the newest dashboard of Blogger. Hey, this is only my opinion. Nothing else. Other than the white background that hurts my corneas, the functions makes me sick and ignorant. But then again, we embrace changes. Cause no matter how much I try, I'll end up being used to it. Sooner or later. And if I'm going to stay in Blogger for the next 10 years, they better think wisely next time. They should consider me, duh?
*Arrogant..^^
Moving forward, I re-read the book Couplehood by Paul Reiser because I ran out of books to read. Too bad, I'm too poor right now. I don't even have a single cent. What a shame. >_<
When you're young and in still in school, you'll have people telling you not to rush things. But when you're young and you're out of school, you'll have bunch of people telling you- screaming at you, in fact- telling you what you should do, what you should act, what you should feel and they eventually control you're entire remaining life.
As for me, the usual things you would usually see at an ordinary family is different on us. By the time I was 5 years old, I took charge of our family- house, household chores, studies, the whole family itself, the business and finance. Can you believe that?
Before, when one of my parents was going out of town, I am the best candidate to accompany them. Why? Cause I'm gonna be their helpless slave. I'll cook for them. I'll do the laudry and carrying their stuffs would probably the most basic things I'll be doing. I remember when we had our vacation in Ormoc City, Leyte, my father needed to go back to Manila after 3-weeks of vacationing there and he needed someone to do all the things while he was at work. So the unlucky me was chosen. Whenever I think of that event, I have goosebumps and would remember it the whole day because there was an unfamous incident that happened on that trip back to Manila.
Since everyone knows that you need to ride a ferry boat when travelling Samar to Leyte back-and-forth, we needed to ride a boat to get to Samar. My father, one of the most insensitive human being I've known so far was in no mind at that time and left me while I was wandering around the boat. It will only took an hour to get to the next destination and since the boat also carries our bus we have no other choice but to ride the boat. Or to swim back to Manila. You choose? While wandering around, I felt dizzied from the boat's movement and felt like throwing up. So the 10 years old me gone to the bathroom. After sometime when I got out of the bathroom, I found out that we had arrived to the port and everyone's gathering their belongings. Me, was looking for my father. I looked all around to find my father missing. Well, I don't know if I am the one missing or him, but either way, one of us was missing at that time. You won't believe this but after so many minutes and turn-around-and-look, I found out that my father got inside our bus already NOT MINDING IF BY ANY CHANCE I ALSO GOT INSIDE! Or if I'm still alive or what. I got inside the bus, sat beside him, looked at him and said nothing. Nothing. As if nothing has had happened to me minutes ago.
See the point of this post?
The minute I was born, I took charge of everything. Being responsible of everything is just one of them.
Before I thought, "Maybe they just trust me enough to do this alone," "They just know that I can handle this,"..
But now, "They are too irresponsible and insensitive, they needed someone to do all the stuff that are in fact, their job."
But things change, like Blogger's newest dashboard. No matter what kind of change it is, it will have a good and bad impact for someone.
Someone like me. After so many years of being responsible for everything, I found out that I ran out of sense of responsibility for my very own self. I forgot to take care of my being and here I am, too ruined and shattered, I don't know where to start and what to do. When I look at things, I compare myself to it. When I look at any given situation, I imagine myself being the protagonist of the story. When I listen to the other people, I wonder if we have some similarities in visioning things. Do I talk like that? Have I think about it? Did it ever crossed my mind? Why is it/them like that? Do I ever expressed my mind freely? Do I ever considered myself good at this and that?
Now I question myself and it feels good.
Because before, I thought I was some genius lost in the city.
Now, I am nothing more than the things around me.
And I'm not happy.
And I'm not contented.
And I feel like moving really forward.
I'm tired of being the One responsible for everything. I'm too tired to even listen to them and respond.
I realized, going off and finding yourself won't do. I already found myself. I was stuck inside a small closet with these big skeletons hanging around me. All I need is strength and the heart to get out.
I have to get out.
Sooner and not later.
Funny is, we spent so many years pretending and forcing ourselves to stay here. But when things made a 360 degrees of turn, we found ourselves banging the door to get out.
I'm already down a thousand times and if by any I get the chance to stand up again I'll be sure to myself that I'm going down swinging and humming in the end.
And if you get to read this, I know it would be too late.
Just want you to know that we are suffering right now.
Before anything else, I would like to say that I really don't like the newest dashboard of Blogger. Hey, this is only my opinion. Nothing else. Other than the white background that hurts my corneas, the functions makes me sick and ignorant. But then again, we embrace changes. Cause no matter how much I try, I'll end up being used to it. Sooner or later. And if I'm going to stay in Blogger for the next 10 years, they better think wisely next time. They should consider me, duh?
Moving forward, I re-read the book Couplehood by Paul Reiser because I ran out of books to read. Too bad, I'm too poor right now. I don't even have a single cent. What a shame. >_<
When you're young and in still in school, you'll have people telling you not to rush things. But when you're young and you're out of school, you'll have bunch of people telling you- screaming at you, in fact- telling you what you should do, what you should act, what you should feel and they eventually control you're entire remaining life.
As for me, the usual things you would usually see at an ordinary family is different on us. By the time I was 5 years old, I took charge of our family- house, household chores, studies, the whole family itself, the business and finance. Can you believe that?
Before, when one of my parents was going out of town, I am the best candidate to accompany them. Why? Cause I'm gonna be their helpless slave. I'll cook for them. I'll do the laudry and carrying their stuffs would probably the most basic things I'll be doing. I remember when we had our vacation in Ormoc City, Leyte, my father needed to go back to Manila after 3-weeks of vacationing there and he needed someone to do all the things while he was at work. So the unlucky me was chosen. Whenever I think of that event, I have goosebumps and would remember it the whole day because there was an unfamous incident that happened on that trip back to Manila.
Since everyone knows that you need to ride a ferry boat when travelling Samar to Leyte back-and-forth, we needed to ride a boat to get to Samar. My father, one of the most insensitive human being I've known so far was in no mind at that time and left me while I was wandering around the boat. It will only took an hour to get to the next destination and since the boat also carries our bus we have no other choice but to ride the boat. Or to swim back to Manila. You choose? While wandering around, I felt dizzied from the boat's movement and felt like throwing up. So the 10 years old me gone to the bathroom. After sometime when I got out of the bathroom, I found out that we had arrived to the port and everyone's gathering their belongings. Me, was looking for my father. I looked all around to find my father missing. Well, I don't know if I am the one missing or him, but either way, one of us was missing at that time. You won't believe this but after so many minutes and turn-around-and-look, I found out that my father got inside our bus already NOT MINDING IF BY ANY CHANCE I ALSO GOT INSIDE! Or if I'm still alive or what. I got inside the bus, sat beside him, looked at him and said nothing. Nothing. As if nothing has had happened to me minutes ago.
See the point of this post?
The minute I was born, I took charge of everything. Being responsible of everything is just one of them.
Before I thought, "Maybe they just trust me enough to do this alone," "They just know that I can handle this,"..
But now, "They are too irresponsible and insensitive, they needed someone to do all the stuff that are in fact, their job."
But things change, like Blogger's newest dashboard. No matter what kind of change it is, it will have a good and bad impact for someone.
Someone like me. After so many years of being responsible for everything, I found out that I ran out of sense of responsibility for my very own self. I forgot to take care of my being and here I am, too ruined and shattered, I don't know where to start and what to do. When I look at things, I compare myself to it. When I look at any given situation, I imagine myself being the protagonist of the story. When I listen to the other people, I wonder if we have some similarities in visioning things. Do I talk like that? Have I think about it? Did it ever crossed my mind? Why is it/them like that? Do I ever expressed my mind freely? Do I ever considered myself good at this and that?
Now I question myself and it feels good.
Because before, I thought I was some genius lost in the city.
Now, I am nothing more than the things around me.
And I'm not happy.
And I'm not contented.
And I feel like moving really forward.
I'm tired of being the One responsible for everything. I'm too tired to even listen to them and respond.
I realized, going off and finding yourself won't do. I already found myself. I was stuck inside a small closet with these big skeletons hanging around me. All I need is strength and the heart to get out.
I have to get out.
Sooner and not later.
Funny is, we spent so many years pretending and forcing ourselves to stay here. But when things made a 360 degrees of turn, we found ourselves banging the door to get out.
I'm already down a thousand times and if by any I get the chance to stand up again I'll be sure to myself that I'm going down swinging and humming in the end.
And if you get to read this, I know it would be too late.
Just want you to know that we are suffering right now.
"What you gonna do? What I gotta do?
Keep me up and makin' a cash, in flash, at last
Do you wanna see the light or stand alone? Uh!
What you gonna do now what's up with the past?"
- T.O.P, Shinhwa
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