_____________________________
27 March 2012
Hungry
I was born in the generation where technology was also born and always have the ability to improve itself. But at the same time, this generation also includes the nation of high-priced goods, low education for the youth (low quality education, in fact), and the decreasing numbers of job opportunities. This is the era and place where there will never be Einstein and being a revolutionary-yourself is a one post/update away. This is the time where people kept on saying everything- from televisions to newspapers to social networking sites but don't have any seconds to stop and listen. The generation where people around the world claim something from somewhere. As if people really own everything. You can't even look for a single piece of land to buy because everything you see already has its owner.
I was born in the generation where technology was also born and always have the ability to improve itself. But at the same time, this generation also includes the nation of high-priced goods, low education for the youth (low quality education, in fact), and the decreasing numbers of job opportunities. This is the era and place where there will never be Einstein and being a revolutionary-yourself is a one post/update away. This is the time where people kept on saying everything- from televisions to newspapers to social networking sites but don't have any seconds to stop and listen. The generation where people around the world claim something from somewhere. As if people really own everything. You can't even look for a single piece of land to buy because everything you see already has its owner.
And that's it...
Nothing else.
I just want to spit this out 'cause honestly- I'm helpless.
I made it this far and alone.
I made it everyday like a battle, on my own.
I just want to make these things clear so you'll know..
Why, after all these years I am still miserable.
Bad day? Put your hand over your chest. Feel that beat? That's called purpose.
You're here for a reason. Don't leave without one.
_______________________________
22 March 2012
21 March 2012
Pages
Just had a heavy headache this week. And been taking medicines but hell, I'll just end up throwing every thing I ate. I wonder if there's anything I can put into my stomach other than eating 'healthy' food and taking those nauseous medicines.
Well, for this unfortunate week, all I can do was analyze things and made this conclusion: I had this because of reading so much books. And thinking too much about this particular book, Stolen Time. I even dreamt about it. Imagine??
My Optalmologist told me that although I have a 20/20 and far-sighted eye vision, I have this curable Stigmatism that I ought not to bother myself with. However, this stigmatism can't help but stick with me everytime. EVERYTIME. And I end up throwing up, indeed.
Stigmatism. The way I look at things or at people is different. Then here comes nausea and vomiting. How sweet life can be, eh?
Anyway, after reading Stolen Time it seems that I can't get myself altogether to the next book I'm going to read- Violence. See? From it's title alone you can sense that it is going to be bloody-action-packed-novel. But I can't. I just can't turn the pages and start reading. Seems like I haven't gotten rid of Stolen Time fever. Yes, fever. The fever that made me threw up and confused and weary and damaged.
Just had a heavy headache this week. And been taking medicines but hell, I'll just end up throwing every thing I ate. I wonder if there's anything I can put into my stomach other than eating 'healthy' food and taking those nauseous medicines.
Well, for this unfortunate week, all I can do was analyze things and made this conclusion: I had this because of reading so much books. And thinking too much about this particular book, Stolen Time. I even dreamt about it. Imagine??
My Optalmologist told me that although I have a 20/20 and far-sighted eye vision, I have this curable Stigmatism that I ought not to bother myself with. However, this stigmatism can't help but stick with me everytime. EVERYTIME. And I end up throwing up, indeed.
Stigmatism. The way I look at things or at people is different. Then here comes nausea and vomiting. How sweet life can be, eh?
Anyway, after reading Stolen Time it seems that I can't get myself altogether to the next book I'm going to read- Violence. See? From it's title alone you can sense that it is going to be bloody-action-packed-novel. But I can't. I just can't turn the pages and start reading. Seems like I haven't gotten rid of Stolen Time fever. Yes, fever. The fever that made me threw up and confused and weary and damaged.
"In that moment the earth made no sound, but you were there.
You helped me lift my pain into the air.."
- Perfect Memory, Romy Zero
____________________________
13 March 2012
11 March 2012
5:31 AM
This is the earliest time I woke up since the beginning of February. Like I said before, I was like a vampire. Fully awake when the sun sets and always in a deep-sleep coma when the sun rises. Been like that for the past 4 years and maybe counting.
But recently, I tried to do the things I've been avoiding to do. Like exposing myself to the world. I tried watching TV, and realized that my attention span is still like a 5-years old. I really have a hard time sitting on the sofa watching dramas and the likes. Makes me vomit. What happened to the world? Or maybe, what happened to me? Why I can't digest the things being shown on TV. I don't understand what's happening around me. I don't even get those commercials.. Knowing I am not someone who would buy those products. And I don't know who the latest actor/actress being grilled on the hotseat. What's the latest music, who's the latest singer/band, and what's the most viewed music video on YouTube.
So I tried watching news while enjoying the long-lists of commercials being played simultaneously over and over every 7 minutes. It seems that the commercial time is longer than the drama. While watching news, I got upset. Really. All the stuffs they reported are bad news. Rape slay, bombing, killed in an accident, the UPLB frat scandal, the Corona Impeachment trial, earthquake here and there, the endless scandals of those artistas that I don't know hearing and knowing, and so on.
All of the them are such a waste of electricity and time. And I regretted sitting there watching stuffs like that. I'll watch again sometime. Maybe next year.
[Time Lapse]
It's already 5:49 AM and waiting for the sun to rise. I'm so energized. Maybe because I wrote about that book, Stolen Time. Indeed, it stoled my heart and energy when I read that book.
This is the earliest time I woke up since the beginning of February. Like I said before, I was like a vampire. Fully awake when the sun sets and always in a deep-sleep coma when the sun rises. Been like that for the past 4 years and maybe counting.
But recently, I tried to do the things I've been avoiding to do. Like exposing myself to the world. I tried watching TV, and realized that my attention span is still like a 5-years old. I really have a hard time sitting on the sofa watching dramas and the likes. Makes me vomit. What happened to the world? Or maybe, what happened to me? Why I can't digest the things being shown on TV. I don't understand what's happening around me. I don't even get those commercials.. Knowing I am not someone who would buy those products. And I don't know who the latest actor/actress being grilled on the hotseat. What's the latest music, who's the latest singer/band, and what's the most viewed music video on YouTube.
So I tried watching news while enjoying the long-lists of commercials being played simultaneously over and over every 7 minutes. It seems that the commercial time is longer than the drama. While watching news, I got upset. Really. All the stuffs they reported are bad news. Rape slay, bombing, killed in an accident, the UPLB frat scandal, the Corona Impeachment trial, earthquake here and there, the endless scandals of those artistas that I don't know hearing and knowing, and so on.
All of the them are such a waste of electricity and time. And I regretted sitting there watching stuffs like that. I'll watch again sometime. Maybe next year.
[Time Lapse]
It's already 5:49 AM and waiting for the sun to rise. I'm so energized. Maybe because I wrote about that book, Stolen Time. Indeed, it stoled my heart and energy when I read that book.
..
^^,
_____________________
10 March 2012
Stolen Time
Okay. At last, I sat and set my fingers onto the keyboard and in front of this aging monitor to type. I needed this out of my system. I can't concentrate. I can't do anything. I've been so confused. And dude, I'm totally lost.
I've been crying for the last two days. And in front of all the people in our house. I've been passing through here and there and everywhere and anywhere my feet can bring me. I kept on opening this PC and shutting it down, sometimes hibernate it and leave all the programs open I'm currently hooked into. But I can't go online. I just can't. I even thought of cutting my internet connection cord. Imagine?
Reason? Because of this book. Yes. Because of a book. I just finished it last night and cried a river while crawling above the sink and everyone just can't figure out what was happening to me. I don't know, either.
With all honesty, I don't know how to say this, how to put these things into words, where should I start. I just know that I am now starting to write about it.
The book's title was Stolen Time, written by Sonia 'Sunny' Jacobs. And it was about her, her husband Jesse Tafero, her family, her life before, during and after death row and life sentence. But she gained freedom and made a book.
As I've been posting here since the beginning, I love reading books. I love going to Book Sale, to different bookstores, love surfing huge shelves and love to find something beneath old paperbacks, sometimes hardcover books.
I recently bought 8 books from Book Sale and I remembered, before I entered the store, I already sighted this book, Stolen Time. I touched it from the book stand, hold it, tried to manuever my mind if I would buy it, then put it down. I seached for some books that might be good to read. I have this kind of genre that even my sister can't understand. It's either fiction/true to life story novel; should be about cops or criminals,(I even have handful of detective stories) and the likes. I love those stories that the portagonist often seach for something, some truth, about life and everything not just romance. I like reading horror and suspense stories, too. I even buy books that was published before my parents were born. ^^
And I am running out of shelves. I put most of my books on the floor; soon they'll be going up to the ceiling. Once, my sister was looking for this particular book and stumbled upon the piles of books lying on the floor and was stunned by the book's titles. She asked me if I am going to be a prosecutor or something or am I just studying some guides for being a criminal. Haha..
She has no sense about these stuffs, really. I even asked her if she'd ever read a book and finished it, and told me she did, pocketbooks mostly and in Tagalog. No wonder, she asked me if there are two S in the word possible.
Anyway, back to the book- Stolen Time. As I was searching for books to buy, I finally grabbed the book from the stand and read what's written at the back. And dude, it was heavy. I though, there was a sudden earthquake, I was dizzied. Finally, I bought it, and thinking that I should keep this book after I finished reading the first seven books. But..
.. I can't wait. The cover illustration seems so intriguing I kept on flashing the book on to my youngest sister until she cried. The cover was quite disturbing. And I read it just after I read Geeks and Emily Goldberg learns to Salsa.
And yes and no. This is not some kind of book review. I'm not a critic and I know if there's some lack of words, elements or whatsoever a book has because I read every word. I flip every pages and finish it until the end and savor it's after tastes. And yes, Stolen Time was disturbing and very inspirational at the same time.
Stolen Time. From the title itself, is sad. This book has all the elements I wanted from a book. True story of a 27-year old woman with two children and a husband who were, with her husband, wrongfully sentenced to life and face death row for seventeen years. The story and it's contents are all fantastic, from the date, the narration of the protagonist, the protagonists right choice of words that seems so humurous but infectuous. In fact, there's no funny words she had used. The letters that she had kept. Their exchanged of letters of her husband while they are separated but both locked in jail facing death row. To her life inside her own jail without human contact. Her isolation for five years until she was given a life sentence, joined other imates and made life changing events while struggling to hold the family of her own and her parents who were waiting for her outside. Until the execution of Jesse Tafero. That made me so dizzied and I really cried while reading trying to understand their last 10 minutes conversation on the phone. I remembered whispering on my seat, "There were people who entered this world and go before me, and yet, here I am, crying over these things that took place before I was born."
I think, it was Jesse Tafero's part that made me so emotional. I really cried. The way Ms. Sunny Jacobs interpreted what happened in the past and put every details into words and made a book was the most remarkable thing. There's no limit to the idea she had put in. The dialogues and every thing makes me think and imagine of the place, of every expressions of every individual faces, the struggles of every characters, her family, had gone through. And the four pages in the middle of the book, served for the prized and memorable pictures of her and her family. The combination of stories weaved for the people involved to suffer. How spiritually and emotionally she was positive. And how her love made her possible to survive.
Though she didn't gain the right justice at that time, she did gain freedom. She made it out not just for herself but for all the people who sacrificed for her children and for the life of Jesse, her husband, who was executed 2 years before she won her freedom.
I wished Jesse made it, also. That he wasn't executed that early, they could even do more to justify theirselves and survive.
But Jesse didn't, and left everything behind.
And Ms. Sunny, though damage with everything that happened, tried her best to live the life and time that was stolen from her, from her husband and from her family.
When I finished the book, I let myself cry. It's the only thing I can do. I am so immersed into the story that I found it so helpful to me. Ms. Sunny Jacobs have this undying dream, trust and love. She has this undying self-preservation and dignity that made her stand up above everything else. I wonder if there's this Ms. Sunny Jacobs inside me. I wish..
I realized so many things after reading this book. That we have so many similarities. It's that just my freedom is always in my hands. That I would never put my life into someone else's hands.
And I said to myself, I should wake every morning with smile and love. That I should be strong in time of hardships, especially when I am alone. Yes, I am always alone. That I should never chase my dreams but BE with my dreams. To look at the stars as possible as the sky would allow me. That I should laugh more and feel the freedom I have. Forgive and start every each day. Learn and always pray and believe that there's this one great and mighty power beyond us.
Okay. At last, I sat and set my fingers onto the keyboard and in front of this aging monitor to type. I needed this out of my system. I can't concentrate. I can't do anything. I've been so confused. And dude, I'm totally lost.
I've been crying for the last two days. And in front of all the people in our house. I've been passing through here and there and everywhere and anywhere my feet can bring me. I kept on opening this PC and shutting it down, sometimes hibernate it and leave all the programs open I'm currently hooked into. But I can't go online. I just can't. I even thought of cutting my internet connection cord. Imagine?
Reason? Because of this book. Yes. Because of a book. I just finished it last night and cried a river while crawling above the sink and everyone just can't figure out what was happening to me. I don't know, either.
With all honesty, I don't know how to say this, how to put these things into words, where should I start. I just know that I am now starting to write about it.
The book's title was Stolen Time, written by Sonia 'Sunny' Jacobs. And it was about her, her husband Jesse Tafero, her family, her life before, during and after death row and life sentence. But she gained freedom and made a book.
As I've been posting here since the beginning, I love reading books. I love going to Book Sale, to different bookstores, love surfing huge shelves and love to find something beneath old paperbacks, sometimes hardcover books.
I recently bought 8 books from Book Sale and I remembered, before I entered the store, I already sighted this book, Stolen Time. I touched it from the book stand, hold it, tried to manuever my mind if I would buy it, then put it down. I seached for some books that might be good to read. I have this kind of genre that even my sister can't understand. It's either fiction/true to life story novel; should be about cops or criminals,(I even have handful of detective stories) and the likes. I love those stories that the portagonist often seach for something, some truth, about life and everything not just romance. I like reading horror and suspense stories, too. I even buy books that was published before my parents were born. ^^
And I am running out of shelves. I put most of my books on the floor; soon they'll be going up to the ceiling. Once, my sister was looking for this particular book and stumbled upon the piles of books lying on the floor and was stunned by the book's titles. She asked me if I am going to be a prosecutor or something or am I just studying some guides for being a criminal. Haha..
She has no sense about these stuffs, really. I even asked her if she'd ever read a book and finished it, and told me she did, pocketbooks mostly and in Tagalog. No wonder, she asked me if there are two S in the word possible.
Anyway, back to the book- Stolen Time. As I was searching for books to buy, I finally grabbed the book from the stand and read what's written at the back. And dude, it was heavy. I though, there was a sudden earthquake, I was dizzied. Finally, I bought it, and thinking that I should keep this book after I finished reading the first seven books. But..
.. I can't wait. The cover illustration seems so intriguing I kept on flashing the book on to my youngest sister until she cried. The cover was quite disturbing. And I read it just after I read Geeks and Emily Goldberg learns to Salsa.
And yes and no. This is not some kind of book review. I'm not a critic and I know if there's some lack of words, elements or whatsoever a book has because I read every word. I flip every pages and finish it until the end and savor it's after tastes. And yes, Stolen Time was disturbing and very inspirational at the same time.
Stolen Time. From the title itself, is sad. This book has all the elements I wanted from a book. True story of a 27-year old woman with two children and a husband who were, with her husband, wrongfully sentenced to life and face death row for seventeen years. The story and it's contents are all fantastic, from the date, the narration of the protagonist, the protagonists right choice of words that seems so humurous but infectuous. In fact, there's no funny words she had used. The letters that she had kept. Their exchanged of letters of her husband while they are separated but both locked in jail facing death row. To her life inside her own jail without human contact. Her isolation for five years until she was given a life sentence, joined other imates and made life changing events while struggling to hold the family of her own and her parents who were waiting for her outside. Until the execution of Jesse Tafero. That made me so dizzied and I really cried while reading trying to understand their last 10 minutes conversation on the phone. I remembered whispering on my seat, "There were people who entered this world and go before me, and yet, here I am, crying over these things that took place before I was born."
I think, it was Jesse Tafero's part that made me so emotional. I really cried. The way Ms. Sunny Jacobs interpreted what happened in the past and put every details into words and made a book was the most remarkable thing. There's no limit to the idea she had put in. The dialogues and every thing makes me think and imagine of the place, of every expressions of every individual faces, the struggles of every characters, her family, had gone through. And the four pages in the middle of the book, served for the prized and memorable pictures of her and her family. The combination of stories weaved for the people involved to suffer. How spiritually and emotionally she was positive. And how her love made her possible to survive.
Though she didn't gain the right justice at that time, she did gain freedom. She made it out not just for herself but for all the people who sacrificed for her children and for the life of Jesse, her husband, who was executed 2 years before she won her freedom.
I wished Jesse made it, also. That he wasn't executed that early, they could even do more to justify theirselves and survive.
But Jesse didn't, and left everything behind.
And Ms. Sunny, though damage with everything that happened, tried her best to live the life and time that was stolen from her, from her husband and from her family.
When I finished the book, I let myself cry. It's the only thing I can do. I am so immersed into the story that I found it so helpful to me. Ms. Sunny Jacobs have this undying dream, trust and love. She has this undying self-preservation and dignity that made her stand up above everything else. I wonder if there's this Ms. Sunny Jacobs inside me. I wish..
I realized so many things after reading this book. That we have so many similarities. It's that just my freedom is always in my hands. That I would never put my life into someone else's hands.
"My hair began to come out when I combed it. I saved it and put it in a piece of paper. Maybe I could have a wig made of it later on. Crazy thing to think about- vanity. But in some cases it is good because it keeps your mind focused on your pride in living and on the future. That can be crucial in a situation where they say you have none."
- Stolen Time, pg. 75
"It is just the three of us then- me, my life, and my death whose presence has become my constant companion in our little six foot by nine foot world. We are inseparable. And we will learn to get along with each other, as parts of a whole that is greater than any one of us."
- Stolen Time, pg. 79
And I said to myself, I should wake every morning with smile and love. That I should be strong in time of hardships, especially when I am alone. Yes, I am always alone. That I should never chase my dreams but BE with my dreams. To look at the stars as possible as the sky would allow me. That I should laugh more and feel the freedom I have. Forgive and start every each day. Learn and always pray and believe that there's this one great and mighty power beyond us.
*****
"I'm so proud of my Jesse. He was so brave - and he gave me strength. He gave each of us what we needed to make it through this - strength and love. That's what we were always about and that is how we will continue to be. He told me so."
"I felt him. I felt him come to me and I saw him, smiling. It was as he promised - he said he'd let me know. And he sure did 'get into the flow' - he gave them the last fuck you. He told mom - 'I gave them a hard way to go from beginning to end.' He sure did."
"Now they can't use his death as a political stepping stone! Three times with smoke and fire."
You are the Sun
I am the Moon
I have no light but that which
is reflected from you.
I thought you were the one with the Destiny
and I was the one with the Fate.
But it turned out that I was the one with the Destiny
and you were the one with the Fate.
- Stolen Time, pg. 340
Sonia 'Sunny' Jacobs
_____________________________
08 March 2012
Over-flowing..
I've been clouded by thoughts these past few weeks. Weeks. Weeks has passed and I am still in this state of.. Okay, let me clear this once and for all- I am all right. Haven't been depressed since the beginning of this year. And to top it all, I am doing all just fine, at least.
But again, as a human being wandering around on the face of the earth, I am not good at showing my very best especially at times like these. Opportunity is still hiding, Poverty-like me- wandering around every corner, Luck have been sleeping most of the time.
I am only good at observing things and analyzing situations. Trying to read ones mind is out in these list. By observing things, I might as well get my PH,d out of it. ^^
I've been lost- that's the exact word. So far, I don't know what to do and where to go. I stopped asking 'why' and started thinking where could and would this life of mine is headed for. I hope I am heading for a sweet success.
I have plans. The BIG Q is how am I going to act out this plans. I got backbones, anyway. I just need to adjust my mind and head back to its original position- on top of my neck. Right? ^^
Already it's March and two more months Class of 2016 is going aboard. I AM SO WISHING I COULD ABOARD ALONG WITH THEM. To be exact, if all the Gods and stars and the universal bodies would ever allow, I WANTED to go back to school again, as a college student. I wanted this badly, thinking about this right now, putting this here that these words have been in my mind for the past weeks, is a bold leap. Really.
I told myself that if ever our mighty Lord would allow, I would do everything, every little thing I could do to stay in school. Until I finish it. I'm totally into it right now, and if I don't get to enter this year, God knows, I would cry a river. For the last 4 years, I've been discourage. AHH.. I'm crying!
Lord, please hear me. Please....
This is my #1 plan, but it shares the #1 spot with..
GETTING A DECENT JOB on or before the school starts. See, there's this tug-o-war in me. Getting a job or getting myself into school. And I need- wanted-both.
The second BIG Q is that.. Both are hard to get into. Really. Hayy..
• Get into school..
• Get a decent job.. decent job.. (it echoes...)
Miracle.
I heard you.. I know I really, really need a miracle.
God, where should I start?
I don't want to be discourage this time.
I am totally into these TWO BIG THINGS.
Putting everything aside, and getting these things come to life. This is my mission this year.
I know, I know. I'll share updates. :)
So this is my "recent decent post"?
I've been clouded by thoughts these past few weeks. Weeks. Weeks has passed and I am still in this state of.. Okay, let me clear this once and for all- I am all right. Haven't been depressed since the beginning of this year. And to top it all, I am doing all just fine, at least.
But again, as a human being wandering around on the face of the earth, I am not good at showing my very best especially at times like these. Opportunity is still hiding, Poverty-like me- wandering around every corner, Luck have been sleeping most of the time.
I am only good at observing things and analyzing situations. Trying to read ones mind is out in these list. By observing things, I might as well get my PH,d out of it. ^^
I've been lost- that's the exact word. So far, I don't know what to do and where to go. I stopped asking 'why' and started thinking where could and would this life of mine is headed for. I hope I am heading for a sweet success.
I have plans. The BIG Q is how am I going to act out this plans. I got backbones, anyway. I just need to adjust my mind and head back to its original position- on top of my neck. Right? ^^
Already it's March and two more months Class of 2016 is going aboard. I AM SO WISHING I COULD ABOARD ALONG WITH THEM. To be exact, if all the Gods and stars and the universal bodies would ever allow, I WANTED to go back to school again, as a college student. I wanted this badly, thinking about this right now, putting this here that these words have been in my mind for the past weeks, is a bold leap. Really.
I told myself that if ever our mighty Lord would allow, I would do everything, every little thing I could do to stay in school. Until I finish it. I'm totally into it right now, and if I don't get to enter this year, God knows, I would cry a river. For the last 4 years, I've been discourage. AHH.. I'm crying!
Lord, please hear me. Please....
This is my #1 plan, but it shares the #1 spot with..
GETTING A DECENT JOB on or before the school starts. See, there's this tug-o-war in me. Getting a job or getting myself into school. And I need- wanted-both.
The second BIG Q is that.. Both are hard to get into. Really. Hayy..
• Get into school..
• Get a decent job.. decent job.. (it echoes...)
Miracle.
I heard you.. I know I really, really need a miracle.
God, where should I start?
I don't want to be discourage this time.
I am totally into these TWO BIG THINGS.
Putting everything aside, and getting these things come to life. This is my mission this year.
I know, I know. I'll share updates. :)
So this is my "recent decent post"?
"In a world of one, I am alone, more alone than I have ever been in my life. Locked up in a box within a box where no one can enter and I cannot leave. I am to await my death."
- Sunny Jacobs, Stolen Time
_________________________
