Google can't wait..

to greet everyone of us! See??..

2011 is one of the toughest, roughest year for me, and even for my family. This is true. This blog can prove that. I can count all the happy posts I made here, not more than 5? Cause very post have it's own painstakingly story. A friend told me that if you wanna release the anger and pain, you can use the internet to do it. Shouting and screaming is kinda old fashioned, she said. But I'd rather scream in the middle of the street than put everything that's inside my chest into words. Cause I'd absolutely run out of exact words to use. I am not good at expressing my feelings and emotions personally. Can't find the right words to say those things either. You see? I type and type words in here when all I want to say is 'AHHHHHHHHHHHH'. Damn true.

I don't want to wish and hope and try for something anymore.
This blog got more than enough of it.
I want to DO it. Put things into action.

I don't wanna wish.. I'll grant my own wish.
I don't wanna hope.. I'll be the hope I am looking for.
And I don't wanna try.. I'll do it no matter what.

Yesterday, I was in this particular fabric store in Pasay. The owner is a long-time friend of my mother and she told me, "You're doing fine. I think I like you now." Know what I respond? "I know. I like myself, too."

Gosh. Where on earth did I learned that? Sure that moment, she was taking her compliments back! ^^

I made mistakes and will be making big ones in the future.
I learned a lot of things. And willing to learn more..
This wasn't easy and I know it won't be in the future, either.
I will just going to do my thing for the sake of all the souls that's looking before me.

I won't regret the decisions I made this year. Because of these, I learned and know more about myself. Learned that I can do things I thought I would never be able to do. But I did. It doesn't matter where I am right now. All I know is that I am rich with memories, love and knowledge.
I am able to genuinely smile from the heart and look myself straight at the mirror.

Elleine is getting well and better as the days passed by. :)


Ma.. Pa.. I'm sorry.
I love you.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

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Dear Biboy,

Marriage is about creating another family of your own; Not losing the current one you have.

Someday, somehow you will read this. I wanna say this out in front of you.. Personally. But I can't. Right now, I just can't. Though I know things will fall into their right places, I just wish you're happy and safe right now.

We still love you no matter what had happened.

Be safe.

Your loving sister,

Elleine ♥

*****

Someday, you will look back and know exactly why some things had to happen.

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"No matter who we were in the past, the future has plenty of room for us to change."

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"It's hard when you always seem to be the strong one, nobody ever notices when you're not okay."

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"There's always something in the past that makes you who you are today."

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"One of the toughest challenge of life is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you someone else. Dare to be yourself!"

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"Sometimes, depression is not a sign of weakness, it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long."

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"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

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"Don't let your ears witness what your eyes didn't see. Don't let your mouth speak what your heart doesn't feel."

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"Always try to be more sensitive about people's feelings because there are times that a tear means happiness and a smile means hurt."

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"The happiest people aren't the ones who have everything, they're the ones who make the best out of everything they have."

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"People get the meaning of your words not on what you say but on how you say it."

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" If you're not going to stand up for what's right, then don't complain about what's wrong. "

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I'm going to post a lot of quotes here.. ^^
Since today is the last day of the year.. I'll do something for fun. :)

"Words are the only weightless thing in this world that can actually make you feel heavy."

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“ The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time but also to leave the wrong thing unsaid at the most tempting moment. "

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Not-so-year-end-post

The beginning of 2011 was truly scary. Even up to the  last minutes of 2010, my day was so tiring and  exhausted I fell asleep during the countdown and missed  the first hours of 2011. I regretted it. I promised myself  not to fall asleep.. ever.. again.

I prepared so much this Christmas and still preparing,  cleaning, meditating.. Whatever comes to mind that I  haven't done before the year ends. Why?

I've been asleep all this year. January 19 was one of the  worst days this year. Spent 4 months in that Hell  Department, gone through damaging encounters, quit  my job, became jobless (until now), the fact that I'm  really penniless, got sick and sick again, been in and out  of hospital, lost few of my friends, been depressed and  everything.

I wanted to take this opportunity to confess this- I've  tried to commit suicide, 3 times this year. Can't  remember when was the only day I didn't cry. Been in  my room for 3 weeks and didn't come out until my back  aches and started to wound. No one paid me the right  concern through out this year. They just know I'm dying  and I'm nothing. Just a wasted soul, piece of shit.

They made me feel that way. And I let them.
I'm wrong. I shouldn't have let them.
I'll never let them again.
And I'll never let myself feel that way again.
Ever.

This is a promised I made the day I felt alive again.
Start again.
Just start again.

Who cares, anyway?
We are all broken and wasted here.
I'm going to make this ride worthwhile.. :)

If I didn't made it last year, I wouldn't be here saying  these things. Things can change overnight, and I am  grateful for I'm still here, hanging on.^^

I completed Simbang Gabi for the very first time. I said  to myself, if it's not this year then when? I started it and  finished it all the way. And I'm so glad, I feel so  enlightened.

I was wrong, unreasonable but I am going to make it  right.

I know it wouldn't be easy but my senses are telling me  to once again fight.

Just fight.

Lord, grant me the ability to love and trust myself again.

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I found these photos somewhere.

They make sense. :)

It's hot but I'm freezing.

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In 3 words I can sum up what I've learned so far: About Life: It goes on. About Love: It doesn't last. About People: They change fast.

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Happy 2 years! :)

Today is our 2nd Anniversary.. Happy and glad and overwhelmed that we reached this year. Seems like the old days when we were starting out. In case you don't know, well, ahem.. I won't tell you either. ^^

I am celebrating this day alone. Haha..
More days and years to come.. :D

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Don't hold my past against me, I don't live there anymore.

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Pasko!!

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" .. You are the song we sing.. "

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Misa De Gallo

I finished Simbang Gabi or Misa De Gallo early this morning and I am so happy that Mike and me made it!
YEHEY!

I'm so proud of myself. Really. XD

Anyways, tonight is the Christmas Eve and we are busy preparing for the Noche Buena.. :)
I'm so grateful for this day..

Merry Christmas everyone!! :) :) :)

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Silence is a girl's loudest cry.

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Simbang Gabi (5th, 6th and 7th Days)

Imagine? We made it to the 7th day of Misa De Gallo??
I'm so proud of myself. Every morning, the numbers of people going to church was kind of decreasing. They can't manage to stay awake for one and half hour and worse they can't continue at all.

Two more days to go before Christmas. My heart's so happy. :)

A thankful heart.. remembers.

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Thousand regrets


People walking past me and I can't help but stare at their feet, their shoes and how they walk. Maybe I just drunk a lot of caffeine since yesterday that's why my mind was like a flushing toilet early this morning.

In the middle of the mass today, I felt this confusion again. I am always the one who keeps on running away from it when there is nothing I can do to fully avoid it. I wonder when and where it will happen. The miracle.

I wasn't able to use those stuff since when I was born.. since when I was born.
I built walls instead of confidence. My attitude ranges from being so hot-tempered to being the incurable indifferent person. I just can't help but be like that.. Just grew up being like that, cause I have to.

There are so many things that I wish I can do, like any other normal people can. But I just can't. There's this kind of thing that hinders me from doing those things. And I feel so sorry.

I can do those things only in the dark.
There's no one to blame.
I am a big disappointment the moment I was born. Should my parents killed me the moment they saw me.
They should have done that.

And the biggest regret? Is that.. Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?
It's so ironical but I just want to ask this.. still.

Miracle??

And while wandering when the Priest was saying his sermon, I came up to this conclusion, "Secret is secret not because no one is going to listen when you say it or not because you are scared they will know what you are hiding, but because we are afraid people will see the things only our eyes can see and understand, and afraid they, the people won't care at all.

"Strong people know how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm okay" with a smile."

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Do you know what it's like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what it's like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply because I'm not you.

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The best revenge will always be none at all, why prove that you even care at all.

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Simbang Gabi (3rd and 4th day)

Nothing to say. Third day of Simbang gabi was quite horrible. ^^
Today, fourth day is so cool. Cool and cold and freezing.

And I am so sleepy.

Tell the truth, it's easier to remember and you never have to make anything up.

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Simbang Gabi (Day 2)

I was so sleepy back in the church. 0.o

One thing that I cannot forget from the sermon was when the Priest said, "Umaandap-andap ka pa ba?" Literally means, "Are you still shining?" But the closer definition of the Tagalog word 'Umaandap-andap' is twinkling or sparkling in much broader sense.

I love the way it was said. It seems like a wake-up call not because almost all the people on the church was half dozing but because there is a hidden message behind the joke. A joke that makes me go back again and again and finish the Simbang Gabi. :)

Nothing is called impossible until you build it by your self.

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Simbang Gabi (Day 1)

This is it. I'm doing something. For others, this is just a simple matter but for me, it a big-real deal. ^^

Me and Mike made it this morning, minus Mama and Jhara. They are too busy snoring when we left the house. Mike continued his sleep at the church. Hehe..

And me? I sincerely listened to the Priest.. :)

Ohh.. Nothing to add. Just want to post it here..

Wishing I can, I mean, we can make it through the next 8 days. XD

"Give thanks to the grateful heart.."

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White..

This blog's theme have been already changed! ^^

And the 'comment' button was already enabled- you can post your comment anytime buddy. :)

Feel so positive lately. That's why I decided to change the theme today.

There were things that are now slowly changing and I am now in a good state to go with them smoothly.

My lower body's doing fine, too.

Tomorrow is the first morning of Simbang Gabi. Can't really believe why is it called Simbang Gabi when it is being held in the wee hours of the morning. Because it's still dark?? Hmm.. Anyway, we are going to church tomorrow and hoping that I can complete the 9 morning mass along the Christmas Eve mass.. :)

I can feel 2012 would be a lucky year. I should believe in the possibilities of the future.

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I wish if you'd listen closer to the songs I play. Cause' the lyrics they speak are the words I fail to say.

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Spring

For fun, I tried using Death Clock and found out this..

I still have 58 years to waste and to live. But hell, why am I so sick right now??

Could blogger and this blog would be alive at that time?? ^^

I wish so..

Angel are you reading this??

As you breath right now, another person takes his last. So stop complaining, and learn to live your life with what you got.

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Alarm clock.

Woah! ^^

I've been doing fine lately. And I like it.. :)
Good health and good job and nice friends and lovable family members and good night sleep are the only things that our great Lord haven't still given me yet. But the fact that I'm doing good lately is enough to make up for the lost months this year.

This blog has always been my solace and release.. Thanks blog! :)
Oh, I never have the chance to complete our traditional Simbang Gabi, and knowing that it would start at the morning of December 16, maybe I should do this ONCE AND FOR ALL. ^^

But with whom? People in this house would probably disagree in my brainy idea. You know how people's mind here works? They are so kontrabida.

Anyway, I didn't gone to that out-of-town trip. I just slept the whole day. XD

I'm holding a cup in this photo.. and the room's so dark.

Drinking coffee while typing.. :)

*****

There's always some truth behind: just kidding, knowledge behind: I don't know, emotion behind: I don't care and pain behind: I'm okay.

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Because I am more than the some of my scars.

Why do I keep on getting wounds since yesterday?
I got some scratches, peeled skin, numerous cuts.. ???

Anyway, I have an important out-of-town trip tomorrow but I can't still decide whether I am going or not. I don't want to go. REALLY.

Today's so cold. No. These whole week's temperature is weird. My feet kinda numb and can't move. I have these cuts in my legs that I don't remember when and how did I got these..

Did someone tried to kill me, carelessly?
Using someone's bare hands?
Hmm. I told you, just use a single sharp knife. I could help you, dude.

Hays.. The fact that these wounds would eventually become a scar. You know, I don't have the thing for removing scars. I find that scars are somewhat beautiful.

Because they also have their own stories.


Should I go or not?

Not all those who wander are lost.

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Your dreams will always defeat reality, if you give it a chance.

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Count this night.
I'm starting to feel the real pain.

I wanna see the morning of January 1st alive.

*****

You never think the last time is the last time. You always think there will be more. You think you will have forever, but you don't.

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"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

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XMAS. XD

I am now in the middle of enduring my stomachaches and it's hard to even put my fingers to type in this keyboard. I was never been so fragile in my entire life until now. And.. it.. is.. so.. hard. Hay.

Downloading 6 movies at the same time.
Anyway, I noticed, should I change this blog's theme again? I think so..
It's so depressing.
I should.
Later.

Yah. DSL sucks again. Cause it's December?
Sure, call and text promos would be trending this holiday but it's services would probably suck. Just like every year. December is the hardest month for someone who always rely on call and text promos. Even their internet and DSL connections would suck on Christmas.

December is only for rich and sane people.

Mom still haven't put any decorations aside from the ribbon that hasn't been removed in years. ^^ I told her I had my Christmas early this year. I posted about that here, right? I even had my own Holy Week, like 2 months ago so no need to celebrate Christmas this year. :D

I just wish 2012 would be kind to me. :)

*****

Don't be terrified by what you have seen now because there is much more terrifying things waiting ahead.

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Drops.

Dropping.

Dramatic.

East.

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Ming and me.

After I got my freedom, we also got our new pet, Ming the big one and Ming the small one, they are cats with breed I would never like to know.

They are basically looks like an average to normal cats but one thing that I like about them is their fur. Theirs are so white you would get this feeling of humiliated every time they are near me.

My skin is fair and once I said here that I am a big anti-fan of whitening products, but their furs are intimidating- so much.

Filipinos have different kinds of names for out pet cat. Others call them the usual, "Pusa namin" (Our cat), while most of us would probably call them "Miming" or "Ming" for short. I suspected, this name came from the universal Onomatopoiea sound for cats- which is 'meow..'

I am not an animal lover, but I don't hate animals either. But we always have a pet cat, with varying sizes and colors. Once, we even have 4 cats at the same time. It's just that my parents planted on our minds that never spoil them by carrying or taking them into our own beds when sleeping. Because they are dirty, no matter how cute they are. And I never learned to carry them at all. I don't even know how, just this one time in high school when I was in a friend's house. They had a cat that looks like a lion. My friend knew that I don't have the heart to play with cats so they forced me carry that cat ONCE. And it never happened again. Just that one time. Period.

I remembered giving names to our cats before and while typing about this here, I realized, where did that habit go? Before, I would stare at them from afar cause Mama would be mad if she see me like that. Mom have asthma, always have.

There was this movie titled Jologs and the word 'jologs' became a household term, which means corny and old-fashioned. In Tagalog "baduy." And I named our cat after that movie. It was before year.. arg! Forgotten. ^^

Jologs became our first official pet cat. In fact, she, yes, she is the main reason why all of a sudden I wanted to write about cats. But she died. And I won't put the details here. So tragic, I can't even sleep for days.

We got another cat, then another cat, and then another cat. Mostly stowawayed cats.
I named them Assunta, Ava, and Pilyo. But they still call them 'ming'..

They, the cats and we, the so-called people have so many similarities.
I noticed that after I got my freedom and spent the rest of my life wasting here and there and would probably still spending the rest of the days ahead like that.

Writing about cats here and talking about cats everyday with my little siblings is our past time. ^^
We would talk about cats and animals for hours. They would question things and I nicely answer them, just to kill time.

Ming, the big one is the mother of Ming the small one. But Ming the big one left Ming the small one, two weeks ago and I can't help but notice that Ming the small one become quiet and thinner. I keep on giving her food, in fact, I would even cook for her if she likes. I made a small house at the back yard for her so that she has somewhere to stay when it rains. And this morning, she is the first one I saw today. It's sad and lonely seeing her like that. I even talked to her while I was drinking my coffee and offered her some. Maybe she just lost some appetite and want some caffein. You know, thinking where on earth did her mother gone could take her a lot of energy.

Ming the small one and me has so many similarities.
I don't like going out. She don't like strolling out.
I don't like noise. She don't like noise.
I am always tired and sleepy. She's always sleeping and lazy.

Once, I accidentally stepped on her tail and she just said, "meow.." but didn't move.
She's harmless. I'm fragile.
Her mother left her. I'm hopeless.
See, maybe she's my doppledanger in the body of a white fury cat.

Right now, she's licking her body. And to be honest I wanted to have a serious talk with her.
You know, she probably know more about things that never crossed my fatal mind.
Maybe, she wanted to say things but can't make me understand, thinking that I'm too stupid to even understand her gestures.
See? There are things that doesn't connect between the two of us but looking at her, it seems that we have this deep, deeper-than-the-sea-relationship people would never feel or know.

I wish we can have a serious talk somehow. :)
Really.

And I wish, when things become well and days become brighter, Ming the small one would still be there.
Oh, I hope Ming the big one would show up sometime- alive and healthy, for her. ^_^

I become more and more invisible

At the end of my desperate prayers

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In a world where you can be anything, be yourself, because no one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.


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