Amazing disaster.

I was in the middle of mind-blowing-thinking when suddenly.. What the hell??!!
Today's a blessing. I wish tomorrow would have a miracle.

Know what's happening??
It's when things slowly showing it's own forms and images that was hidden in the past.
Maybe I just need a clearer and bigger eyes to see through it.

Thanks for the two ladies, Frances and Rowena, who dragged me to the nearest haven this earth have.
Thank you for cheering me up!
Thank you so much.

And by the way, when will Drew be coming back?
HB left us abruptly without saying a single goodbye.
I can't find the last 2 mediums..
And hell, we are still waiting for that Chinese dork to comeback.

Still waiting..
Hais..

I strongly engrave them into me.

________________________________

November 24

Thanksgiving.
It's already past 12, November 25. But I can't sleep.

These things have been in my head for the last 4 days and hell, it's so creepy I think I could pass out right now.

November 24 was so great last year and tomorrow is still uncertain and I'm here in the middle of the night thinking and thinking what had happened, what could happen the next minute and.. :(

I died that night.

You killed me, helplessly.

Beyond everything- there's you up there and I am, down here.

This is so hard, helpless and my heart's going to burst into pieces.

Why?

I am so tired.

Life will always test you and it may even break you down, all it takes is one breakthrough to prove that you have grown.

________________________

What if..

I stop blogging.

Stop reading.

Stop writing.

Stop listening.

Stop watching.

Stop saying I'm tired.

Stop taking medicine.

And stop thinking about everything?

Instead..

Start to involve and show up.

I was never been the same since that night and things, as always, change.

I want to blame each of them because my life turned out this way.

Then I started to feel differently towards them, it hurts.

I can't think of anything to do at that time, well, until now- seems the same.

Years has passed and we are still in this mess. And hell, why am I the only one left to fix these?

Sure I can blurt this thing here but not in reality. I am sometimes shy but there's no cure for being an introverted one.

I wish you could see it in my eyes, cause it's so hard to find the right words to compensate for the lost years and people.

They say, 80% of life is ALL about showing up.

And for this, I want you to know.. That I won't let any of them be hurt like you've done to us.

We will make it through the rest of the nights in our lives without you.

Now I know why after all these years I'm still here, wandering around.. Because I wanted to be there when it happen. So I won't regret it. I'll be there for them. That's for sure.

And I would stop saying 'what if' because I will absolutely know things, that also, for sure.

I'll be back.

As soon as I get the courage to breathe again.

The most beautiful thing in life is to build a bridge of hope on a sea of despair.

_________________________

Untitled, again.

Should I post this thing in here?
I was thinking maybe I should stowaway..

for good.

Since I don't even have money or anything to spare.. I should do it with a plan.

:)

The biggest lie on the planet: When I get what I want, I will be happy.

__________________________

___________________________

I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow it still works.

___________________________

11.11.11

Eleven. This number has always been my companion, hell it's not even my favorite. Hard as icebergs, I won't tell you either. ^^

Maybe because I'm not that kind of person at the first place. So what if I'm going to ruin my life? I already destroyed it, nothing's left for you to care about..

I have nothing to say in here. Just messing around with what's left and go on with it.

You won't see what I see 'cause you're too busy staring at me..
You won't feel what I feel 'cause you're too busy with your life.. You could forget us in a snap.

*****

Blind (창문)

TRAX

Even if you lean your head against me and blankly look at me, you don't know

I spread my arms and say that it feels so cool but you still don't know

I am invisible but I am standing in front of you

But your eyes look past me

Just once, just once, please look for me

The more you feel, the more you feel

I become more and more invisible

At the end of my desperate prayers

If only you will find me so that I can have you in my arms

In the hazy winter frost, I try to draw my heart but you don't know

I gather the scattered raindrops and shed them instead of tears but you don't know

I am cold but I am flowing toward you

I despise myself for being square

My heart is cracked, cut and broken

At the end of a rough day

When I am broken into pieces, you would be able to see me

You can't see so I love you like this

Even your fingerprints in the corner

I strongly engrave them into me

My blackened and bruised heart

I take it out and show it to you

But you just say that looks pitch-black outside..

_________________________

The three of us.

Here I am again. After so many hours of waiting, I'm still alive.
And my family's so surprised. They are expecting for some extreme events, I guess.
And just ate my second dinner. ^^ Been eating since I arrived home.

This is weird. Am I gonna die?
Just tell me so I'm prepared.

I'm here to share something. I already shared this to you but I'm not so sure if you have really understand the meaning of some words I usually post in here. I'm the type of person that would rather spend my money to my two youngest siblings than spending on myself alone. And before I could think of spending those money on myself, I already stashed it all the way to our tummies. The three of us. We have been the "three of us" since Jhara was born and when they all turned their back on us.

I'm almost 12 years older than Mike and 16 years older than Jhara but it seems that they are my playmate from the beginning. We would play until wee hours of the morning, watch movies until they fall asleep drooling in my lap and would sneak to the nearest store to buy something.

The three of us, always.

But when having a job become my priority, I suddenly have to distanced from them. Being the second daughter of our not-so-wholesome family, I have to make decisions for the simple reason- I'm no longer that kid you would see holding a toy gun I stole from my brother's room. I'm older enough to make something for myself.

And I thought I really have to make something for myself, until I realized I'm the one who's responsible in pleasing others and making up for their obligations. I'm the one who threw myself out in the sea and let myself drown until I got here with nobody to talk to other than Jhara and Mike.

The day before I finally decided to leave my work, Jhara came up to me and asked, "What's wrong? Why are you sad?".. From that moment I knew I am going to make it through even though it will be that hard. I asked myself a million times if I am really sure about it and looked at them. They are the only ones who asked me the greatest and sincere words my co-workers can't even put into words. Because they can't feel what I felt at that time. They are busy making money and I'm busy destroying my life. And Jhara was there, asked me the only thing somebody didn't even mind to ask me once.

After all, Jhara and Mike are my playmates.:)
Before bed, they would pray hoping that I'll  be lucky enough to surpass my illness and be able to walk and have a decent job again. I never imagined how sincere and innocent a child is, until they came.

They are my lovely siblings that always make me sane and give me that warm smile and laugh I never got from people outside. And I am putting this here, because somehow, someday, they will both be reading this, with or without me in the face of this planet..

And I love you both.. Always. ♥

People may forget what we said, people may forget what we did, but never forget how we made them feel.

__________________________

Stranger

I was reading Sorrow's Anthem written by Koryta when  suddenly things around me become stranger, yesterday.

There were yells and then there were people fighting over  something I don't know and then..

When I raised my head, everything went black and I don't  know what happened next. Just waking up 20 minutes ago, I've  been here in the hospital for 18 hours, and I still WELL manage  to type these things here, I'm grateful I still made it this very  moment.

I wonder if I'm going to experience Chirstmas this year. And  the next year. And the Christmas the next, next, next and next  year.

Will I ever get to see you?
Maybe I should throw an early despedida party this Sunday.
An early party before I leave this planet..

It's really strange.
And no matter how much lipstick I put I still look pale in the  eyes of my doctor.

He doesn't seem to care that much. At least I'm able to stand  and eat on my own and manage to surf internet at this time. :)

When fall apart, have the courage the get back on your feet and keep believing. That's what makes you a strong person.

_____________________________

.. and still counting.

I've been lost yesterday. Thinking of anything to use and now, here I am using the worst solution ever. Just to make it through.

Hahaha! That's weird?! What I've just write was weird. Imagine? No specific subject or else, you'll definitely think I'm doing something wrong. Hahaha.. Makes me look like I'm doing something really wrong.

To make things clear, I needed this.. This kind of medium to.. Arg! That's it! It's okay as long as I'm here with my blog and typing as fast as could because tomorrow will never be certain and certainly, maybe tomorrow, I'll never wake up anymore. So seizing the opportunity and time..

Thank you and I love you, more than you could imagine. But I do, and that's what really matters.
*hug*

Because I know you'll never be coming back that's why I'm saying these things here. You'll never be coming back but always remember that you belong to us..

We will work hard, take care each other and be strong, so that when you come back, you won't feel any regrets. We will show you that we can despite the fact that you will never be with us. Just put in mind that we love you, through all the hardships and pains, we still love you and always will be.

I'm crying.. Gosh. This is heavy.
^^

When I look at you from here, I feel some cold air running in my arms. I wish you all the luck and health. Ah.. I'm running out of words. Maybe this is what you call "Things that cannot be express by words" ..

And I love you. We love you.
Always.

At least whenever I see you, it gives a smile in my face that keep on asking if you'll be coming back or what. Now I know. And I'm happy. Because we love you.

We will work hard, for them and for you.

No matter how bad your life may seem at the moment, it will always get better.

♥

_________________________

Tomorrow.. And still counting! :)

You'll never imagine how I've been today. Hahaha.. It's so funny and surreal at the same time. I'm panicking SILENTLY and suddenly I thought I had a heart attack again!

My little sister came to me while I was sleeping and forcibly woke me up telling me she's hungry and if I could cook her food. She also said to cook rice because she's so hungry, and my answer was, "Rice? Did we just ate rice a while ago? And you're already hungry? I won't.. I'm sleepy and I won't be getting up."

Then suddenly, I got up instantly thinking what is the date today.
My gosh.. As I analyzing what I've said to my little sister, it appeared that what I'm saying is already a day ago, and I've been sleeping for more that 12 hours and it's already dark. And.. I don't know why I got up instantly at the first place. Tsk!

All I know is that, at least I'm in my sane mind before everything gets worse. There will be an occasion tomorrow, I should not sleep at all. At least for this very moment..

Everything is twisted and I'm sorry I can't do anything about it..

____________________________

I believe that every setback, mishap, or shortcoming is an opportunity for a breakthrough.

___________________

Circle

I've been doing this for the last 2 years and still not succeeding anything  out of it. And maybe, I'll be like this until I have enough courage to  break and move out here.

I started reading again, or better say, I started to read the books I've  bought last month and quite happy about this thing. My hair had grown a  bit but I'm afraid I would have another "falling hair moments" in this  very life of mine and never recover on it anymore. I sometimes wish I  just burned my hair accidentally than have the heart to accept that no  matter how hard I tried and do my best, my hair would just fall and soon  I'll become a young bald women of her 20s trying to pretend that her  falling hair was because of not using shampoo the right way and not  because of her dialysis.

I wish it'll grow again, the way it used to be.


Gosh. It's already 3:53 AM and everyone of us is still fully awake. And I know there's something wrong. And I'm still here, updating my blog in all intents and purposes. ^^

Twisted and strange..

________________________

It's funny how we feel so much but we don't say a word, we're screaming inside but we can't be heard.

__________________

Basically..

I can't think of anything to put up for the title..

Anyway, already is November and yehey.. 2011 will be over soon!! :D

When I woke up this morning.. I ask my sister why on earth didn't anyone of them change our beloved calendar to November? It says that it's still March. And.. There was this quite familiar and strange ache inside of me. Last March, all was well and.. Whatever. No words to describe.

I promised myself to never-ever sleep in the New Year's Eve like what I did last year. I came from work and was so tired, I forgot to welcome 2011. Maybe that's the big reason why 2011 is a big disaster and I'm still counting for what kind of accidents would happen for the next seconds.

In fact, while writing here, there's a motor accident outside our house and I'm sorry, I'm too busy and lazy to look for who's driving that unlucky motorcycle and what happened to him or her.. Basically, I'm not interested at all.

All Saint's Day had passed and All Soul's Day 2011 will be over a few minutes soon and all I want to say is that "I SIMPLY DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.. ANY OF THE HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR."

And I'm looking forward what will happen this Christmas. :) XD

^^

You can't litter negativity everywhere and then wonder why your life is coming up trash.

____________________

It became my battle cry..

Two days before my supposedly 1st year anniversary in my former company, I took all the efforts and courage and everything alike to step inside in that company's premises once again for the last time.

Someone sent me a message saying they saw my name in a posted memo as big as a long bond paper stating that my last pay would be forfeited after January 27 of next year if I didn't get a chance to claim it.

As if it were a prize that could compensate to all the damages they've done to me and to my very own soul.

And I remembered I'd made a sudden immediate resignation and the consequence of that act (as stated in our contract I carelessly signed) that for those who would take an immediate resignation, 6 days from their last pay would be deducted. And that would be equivalent to Php. 2442.00 - almost. Am I that hungry on having money? I knew that thing that's why I made my decision that day to resign with or without anything in return. I took the risks and made it without any hesitations. I am a big fan of money, but never I was a slave of it. My siblings, yes they are. But me? I'm not..

This is not being hypocrite or whatsoever. I'm happy even without a single cent in my pocket. Even if I can't buy things that I want and envy people 'cause they have new clothes and job than me.

I took this risk and now I am quite happy with this achievement. It seems that I accomplish something money can never buy. It's the happiness and calmness I have inside. :)

I sometimes regret, regret the fact that I don't have a job, that I didn't took care myself enough to be healthy and that I'm not really stable at all. Who does anyway? Yes, you have a job yet the money you earn is never enough. You have taken good care of yourself yet you always feel like your dying and you always think your sane when in fact, you are the most miserable person in the entire Milky Way. This is not being hypocrite, I just realized things, took risks, learned my lessons and will go on with my life as long as God lets me.

And I thank Him for all the years that passed and for all the remaining days that's left.
Maybe He thinks I can still fix my life like anyone else and never fake it for the sole purpose of pleasing others. :)

Back to the last pay thing, I said to my sister I won't be going and find myself dragging my lower body alone to the Accounting office waited forever before my turn and explained things I can't remember after the conversation has ended. It seems that it was not me that had gone there. I left my soul in the La Fuerza main gate and let my body do the thing. Luckily, while the lady was talking to me, I noticed that my name in the pay check was incorrect. It was misspelled as Elleinne, while my name was mistakenly registered by my parents as Elleine. Again, it took them forever to fix that damn name (Who the hell typed my name incorrect anyway??!!) And told me to quickly go to the bank and claim my prize because they just told the bank manager that the certain Elleine with a swollen lower body is going there and claim her prize. Even advise me to really introduce myself so that they would be sure. My gosh? This is my last pay!? WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS THIS HARD FOR ME? And just to settle things over, I did everything they said and at last, I am able to escape from the nightmare.

I promised myself to never set foot on that company anymore.
To always stand for myself like I did.
To always believe in myself like I did.
And to always love myself than any company that will offer thousands of Pesos in return for you priceless dignity.

This will be my mantra.. My battle cry.. My motto. ^^
That no one will ever step on me. That no one is going to take away my dreams anymore.
That I will always look back to the things that made me stronger and never forget the names of those bullshits.

I promise myself those things after I got out of that hell.
And I will soon be healthy enough to conquer my own world.



Wow! That's deep! ^^
And powerful. And very me.
I miss you Elleine, come back as soon as you become well.


And I will.
Soon.
:)

Never be afraid to be strong enough to be yourself.

____________________________

OS7 ^^

I just made a new account using Gmail.
Is it too obvious that I don't have anything to say here, I am reporting everything happened for the past two and a half hour for the whole world to know.

Sad to say, I still have to stick to the old one to use Blogger and YouTube. Why? I don't know. Hell with this sites!? I'm sorry blogger, but why can't I change my email here? Same to you YouTube? It has been in a default setting and there's nothing I can do about this whole damn thing than create a new account in Blogger and YouTube if I really wanted to use the new one.

And again, hell no. :)
Just leave it like that. In any cases, I would be using the old one if I really need to open it for the little chances like forgetting my password here and in YouTube. Again, for a little chance. And I would never dare to open it again and be frustrated.
Bow.

I never thought how much the old email has served me for the past years. It has been my home, everything. From the simple to-do lists that I made way back 2006 to all the birthdays and professional emails I got to the last email I received today from a certain subscription (I am the kind who easily subscribe ^.^). It's sad that things like this, even though they promise to serve us even better everyday, in the end it failed to appeal more in our tastes. In fact, Gmail is kind of cheaper that Yahoo! But then, Gmail is more flexible than Yahoo! No whatsoever you'll see in the sidebar and it's easy to manage..

Goodbye Yahoo!.. 

Am I the one who is actually advertising Gmail here??

Just noticed

^^

____________________________

Yahoo! isn't funny anymore..

And I also lost interest to Yahoo! Mail. Just like the feeling I got when Facebook changed. In fact I can't remember the last time I visited my Facebook account and wonder why am I still putting my FB link in here? I should edit the footer texts later..

What the hell is going with you Yahoo! Mail?? I can't log in! I tried several times to log in but it says that my Yahoo! ID or password is incorrect. I carefully typed everything, totally sure that I typed the right letters, but it didn't work. I needed to change my password so I can retrieve my account.. Because it is my personal e-mail. The emails since 2004, the photos, notes, Abi's emails to me when I was still in high school, everything.


You know that awkward moment when you're so sure you typed the right password, you even pressed every letter in your keyboard so hard and yet the computer said, "Your password is incorrect." - So fucked up!


After I successfully managed to change my password and successfully trespassed into my OWN email account, I suddenly thought I should change BRAND. Yes. Brand.

There's Hotmail and Gmail and a lot more to choose from. Why stay in Yahoo! when it's so hard to even log in into your own account?? I'm sorry Yahoo! This doesn't mean you didn't do your services well, but because I felt there's something wrong, and dude, we should move on. Move on!

Move on isn't in the language of aliens so I hope you understand.
It's not a big waste if an avid user of your site suddenly changes..
Changes mind and changes site.. OK?
Thank you for your services, but it's enough.
Phew!

My friend said Gmail is a close friend of Yahoo! and it offers better, if not great, services to users. But the features are a lot different from Yahoo!..

Who cares? As long as I can manage to log in safely, securely and EASY.
I would never mind. ^^

So to end this unfortunate 1:39 AM moment.. I'll move to Gmail and import all the files I have in Yahoo! Grr..

A whole lot work!

Oh! By the way..
Happy Halloween!

Is it really happy??

______________________

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.

Happy Halloween.. world!

________________