Looking back.. :)


I was laughing so hard in dead silence.. 3 seconds ago.


PUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. :D

I've just watched a hilarious video, and since almost all of the people in here are already asleep, I just laughed silently here in the corner of the room.

PUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. :D

This is the most funniest version of the popular scene in the K-Drama Secret Garden, where Joo Won is seen having a sit-up with Ra Im holding his legs.. (Legs?? Ü)
Anyway, this version is from Shindong of Super Junior in one of Super Junior Foresight episode.

Doing the scene in HIS own different and hilarious way!

I've already seen the other versions.. KyuHyun's version.. LeeTeuk's version.. and of course EunHyuk's version.. but Shindong's version was DAEBAK!!

Check it out.. ^^

______________________________

_____________________________

Stay precious..

I hit my limit, dude. I could almost die at that moment if I didn't have that very little control. Hehe..
Again, yesterday was just another day of my life.. with a bit of craziness. I may have passed out but..HAHA! Hay.. My mp3 saved me, again for the nth time! :)

I wonder.. how long will I take this. Dude, I'm really hopeless and I do NOT want to think anymore. I don't want to think of anything anymore. Things suck. Friends sucks. Family sucks. My life.. sucks.



KILL ME. I'M BEGGING YOU, KILL ME.


Aish! When??
Maybe when I stopped posting something NOTHING here for at least 2 months then that would be the time that you could possibly conclude that I'm already dead. Puhahahah! :D
**I like it.. ^^


Don't think that I am too much to myself. I just realized that I don't have the kind of love for myself.. therefore, I do not love myself. Understood? And for the simple fact that I don't have any reason to live. Gosh.. did I say this thousands of time???

I'm sorry but I don't think I can make it to 30's.. hell, maybe I won't experience the life of being a 21 years old since I'm only 20. Poor spineless me.. Poor soul. I'm a big waste. Bow.

BIG WASTE.

Although I'm only a human, I am capable of different things. It's just that I surely doesn't have any reason and reason and reason and reason and that fucking motivation.. And leaving this world is the only thing I can ACTUALLY DO. :)

*****

If I could fall into the sky

Do you think time would pass me by

Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles

If I could just see you.. tonight

______________________________

Fill it out..

These are the times when I miss you the most. The times when I want to see your face, want to hear your voice the most. Even if you're going to shout at me like you did before, or the way you look at me like you regretted seeing my face. I miss those times.. those are the times when I feel more powerful..

How I wish time didn't fly so fast. And now I wonder, with this kind of illness, how long can I hold you in my memories? Will I ever think of you 5 years, 10 years from now? Will you ever remember me if I go?

How I also wish that I have enough strength to do all the things I want to do. All the things I want to say and experience all the things people have gone through. But it seems that I will never.. and can never do any of those. How I wish..

In times like this, I go here and write everything that I just want to say, and I'm thankful because I have you, my beloved blog.
(Since no one is going to listen to me..)


Oh, by the way, I wanna comment on G Dragon's (Big Bang) performance where he would smash a guitar right after the end of the song. Gosh, I can't believe he did that to that poor guitar and I read that he'd done that a couple of times. I feel sad for those things.. the way I love my guitar and then someone would smash it just for fan service and the call of performance? Hay, to be honest, Big Bang is the very first KPOP boy group I liked, especially G Dragon. But then.. would they just think of another concept for their performance rather than smashing a guitar? I felt like I was violated at some degree..

Is it the reason behind why I now love the ever Super Junior?? Hehe.. ^^

I feel relieved now after writing these in here. :)
It's already past 7AM but people here in our house is still in deep sleep.
I love you blog. You don't have to be a human to say 'I love you, too Elleine..' because you wouldn't say that to me if ever! Haha.. Let this love be one-sided!! Puhahaha.. :)

I miss you Pa.. I miss RLA.. I miss 2009..
And I terribly miss all the people in this house.
It's really ironic. One-sided..
The saddest thing in this world is when you miss someone, someone who is just around and yet you miss them.

It's so empty inside..

______________________

Dude, just fight.

My whole head hurts. My left leg hurts. My tummy hurts. My fingertips hurts. My chest hurts. And my mind was already corrupted from the very start.

So what more can I ask for? I am all ready to die.. just shoot me. NOW! ~~~

Arg..

What can I do?..

What should I do??..

*****

There every herd, by sad experience, knows

How, winged with fate, their elf-shot arrows fly,

When the sick ewe her summer food forgoes,

Or, stretched on earth, the heart-smit heifers lie.

- William Collins

______________________

How many days??

I can't believe I'm really signing a petition?
This IS crazy! wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Why is DSL left me again??!!
You can never leave me like that! I need you.. :'(

This day was so whatever, at least before the day ended, I did something worthy.. except for the fact that I've slept for almost 16 hours, ate my dinner so late.. and listened to my mp3 the rest of the day. Yeah, I still did not take a bath.. who cares? Oh, and forgot to take my daily medicine..

Life's so hard! Help me..
I wanna brush my teeth but it's so.. my toothbrush is kinda heavy! Haha..

Arg..

P.S. .. Happy birthday to my "bhelat" BOY SAYOTE!! :)

____________________________

_________________________

"..I Feel Like I'm Knockin' On Heaven's Door.."

At last! I now know a simple chord in guitar! Puhahaha..

I almost lost my finger's sense practicing Bob Dylan's Knockin' on Heaven's Door.

Can't even type well as of now.. it hurts so much! My finger's like so sore.. TT

But, did the Gun's and Roses the one I am practicing? Hehe.. I like the original one but love the Gun's and Roses version maybe because of it's lyrics.. ^^

The song itself was made simply beautiful and full of meanings..

Although, the chords I am practicing has only 4 chords, my 3 fingers are so sore. I even thought it would spit out blood the moment I over used them.. But it's worth. Really.. and I am so proud of myself.. :)

Someone said to me, like 6 days ago that I would never learn how to play the guitar. Because I got short fingers. Huh! I'm taller than her! I just got shorter fingers.. pretty and short fingers which are too sore now because it just learned how to play the guitar the right way. ^^

***

Knockin' On Heaven's Door

Bob Dylan

Mama, take this badge off of me

I can’t use it anymore

It’s gettin’ dark, too dark for me to see

I feel like I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Mama, put my guns in the ground

I can’t shoot them anymore

That long black cloud is comin’ down

I feel like I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door

***

Oh, someday I'll be good enough. :)

___________________________

"So take a look at me now.."

I know everyone of us have dreams, I mean, we get these dreams when we sleep, and sometimes even we are awake. I get these damn things recently, really, recently. And while I am fully awake!
WTH!

Truth to be told, I hated this. I think I'm really insane.. I even think that I should get some mental help. I'm losing it.. I have dreams while getting dressed, cleaning my closet, washing the dishes, while eating, riding the bus, sweeping the floor, listening to music and while talking to other people, the worst was when I was just looking at our aquarium. As if these dreams kind of stealing me from reality. It's sick. I'm sick..

And what are my dreams?
Dude, you don't wanna know, you'll regret asking for it.
It's really SICK. Hayy..
I think I should get some professional help.. some suggestions?

Oh, by the way, have you ever search this to google, "How to kill yourself"?.. PUHAHAHAHA..
Just got this thought the other day and searched it right away! It was great reading a lot of suicidal suggestion! BUHAHAHAHAHAHA..

Aish! I need help. Really need your help..

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ 

So take a look at me now 

'Cause there's just an empty space 

There's nothing left here to remind me 

Just the memory of your face 

So take a look at me now 

'Cause there's just an empty space

And you coming back to me, is against the odds 

And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around 

Turn around and see me cry 

There's so much I need to say to you 

So many reasons why 

You're the only one 

Who really knew me at all

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

______________________________

Moving..

May mga katanungan tayo sa buhay na kung minsan, mas mainam kung hindi na lang natin aalamin ang kasagutan. Useless lang din naman. Parang ako.. useless. ^^

Recently, nae-enjoy ko na ang indefinite vacation ko. I even told Mama that 24 hours is not enough to do all the things I wanna do. It seems that life was never been enough..

Sinusimulan ko na ulit hanapin ang mga nawawalang piraso ng buhay ko.. ng mga gusto ko talagang gawin. Masaya ako kasi sa ganito kong edad, pinipilit ko ng maging masaya.. at hindi sayangin ang buhay ko sa mga walang ka-kwenta-kwentang mga bagay. Tulad ng pagsasayang ko ng panahon sa pesteng trabaho na iyon. Sabi ko pa nga, wala pa akong balak maghanap ng trabaho.. wala pa akong balak i-disappoint ang sarili ko, mag-e-enjoy na lang muna ako kahit walang pera.. :D

At alam ko din na medyo iba ang takbo ng isip ko kesa sa nakakararami. Once, when I was riding a bus going to Lawton, I saw these vendors who would ride the bus and sell different kinds of pasalubong. And even now, I still manage to buy whatever they are selling even though I'm not hungry or do not even need anything of those, just for the sole reason na kailangan kasi nilang makabenta, na siguradong may asawa at mga anak silang naghihintay sa bahay, na baka sakaling sa simpleng pagbili ko ay makatulong ako.

At masaya ako, kahit hindi man sobrang masaya.. wala kasing ganoon diba??

Masaya ako kasi nakikita ko ang sarili kong mangarap at makuntento sa mga simpleng bagay na ibinibigay sa akin ng Maykapal.. Nagagawa ko ng tumingin sa salamin at tumingin sa mga mata ng tao.. tumatawa dahil bihira na lang iyon ngayon.. ngumingit na nagmumula sa loob.. at umaasang matututunan ko din ang lubusang magpatawad- sa kanila at sa sarili ko.

Naisip ko tuloy, ibinigay sa akin ng panginoon ang mga bagay na matagal ko ng hinihingi, kinuha ang mga bahay ng makakasira sa akin at iniwan ang mga bagay na nagbigay daan para makita ko kung ano talaga ang totoong gusto ko. Mga bagay at taong totoong nagpapasaya sa akin minus the things that kills me, bongga! He's so powerful! Praise you, our dear Lord!

I'm starting to open up to the people that's really close to my heart.. and making my way to the things I love to do the most.. This is what life really means, a series of events, it's up to you if your gonna go with the flow or make a revolution. ^_^

*****

And even though life's like this, it's a good thing to know that we still have the courage to survive.

*****

Want To Go To Sleep (In My Dreams)
잠들고 싶어 (In My Dream)

Super Junior

She comes back
She says she’s sorry
The skilled hands that I missed caress my own
The apologetic eyes that look at me, the voice I want to hear
Tenderly telling me not to cry

If I hold you in my arms you disappear and
The tears flow and my pillow becomes wet
At last I wake up from my sleep
Morning is always like this… My Love

I hope I fall asleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
Although I hope I don’t dream again,
Today too it seems I fall asleep with her presence

She’s smiling
It’s really been too long
I’ve missed that expression, she’s my girl isn’t she
She’s walking away
Embracing another person
My chest feels like it’s being crushed under a heavy weight

I’m dreaming again, right?
Cold sweat runs down me
It’s hurts, it’s a dream of things I hate to even remember
I can’t do anything all day long
We’ll spend time together, right my Love

I hope I sleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
Although I hope I don’t dream again,
Today too it seems I fall asleep with her presence

Everything is becoming cloudy but her image is getting stronger
Like in yesterday’s dream, today she comes to me
Now I don’t sleep alone

I hope I sleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
Although I hope I don’t dream again,
Today too it seems I fall asleep with her presence

If I could only see you again today, if I could do it again, if you came back again….
If you slept by my side just once more, if it happened again…
I wouldn’t want to wake up
If I could fall sleep…

___________________________________

So what's next????

_____________________________

Oh. Yeah. It's. Really. Depressing. To. Know. That. DSL. Left. Me. For. Two. Days. And. Realizing. That. I. Don't. Have. Longer. Fingers. To. Play. The. Guitar.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It's so discouraging. Dude.

_____________________________

Spencer is his English name. :)

Woah.. Sabi ko noon, mukhang mahihirapang makahanap ng mapapangasawa ang isang tulad ko. Bukod sa saksakan ako ng pili.. eh wala talaga akong interest sa mga tao ngayon. Bukod na lang kung mapapayagan na din ang pagpapakasal sa mga gamit, tulad ng malayang pagpapakasal ng same sex sa New York. Hehe..

Recently, as in recently lang talaga.. parang two days ago lang, dumalaw ulit ako sa YouTube.. nagtataka ako kung bakit sabi sa channel ko, huling login ko daw eh 3 weeks ago. Samantalang huli akong dumalaw sa channel ko noong July 5, then kahapon.. may sira siguro and YouTube ngayon. Anyways, dahil boring ang lifeless kong buhay, nag-type ako sa search bar.. "Pajama", at ang unang lumabas ay ang Pajama Party ng Korean boy band na Super Junior. Dude, siguro nga isa akong Kpop fan.. at meron akong Sorry, Sorry sa mp3 ko, pero where on earth didn't I looked closely to the members of SuJu?.. In fairness, pretty boys talaga sila pero.. compare to Eun Hyuk, may mas cute pa sa kanya among the members.. pero ulit..

..
..
..
..bakit parang naiinlabs na ko sa kanya??
Huhahahaha..
Ehem..

♥♥♥

Pare, tinamaan yata ako. Oo, medyo sure na ako. Inlab ako sa isang taong malabo pa sa pangarap na makaharap ko siya ng personal. (Agree?)

There's Sung Min, Kyu Hyun, Hee Chul.. but Eun Hyuk's really different. :D
I even told mama,
"Ma, now I know who I am going to marry,"
then mama replied,
"Who?" Sounds like she doesn't cared at all, knowing that my family thinks I'm a tomboy. Huhahaha..

Then I said,
"Eun Hyuk," Saying his name was a bit awkward, maybe I should practiced a little before saying his name, it looked like I disgraced his name! Hehe.. Well, I just said this as a statement, not a confession..

Then mama said, "Huh? Who's that? The name sounds like IT is not a person, is he a boy or girl? What's ITs name again?"..

Argg.. IT????

So, to sum up it all, I said,
"Eun Hyuk's a korean. And I'll marry him. If it's not him I'm going to marry, then I'll never get married. Understand? I'm a girl, no, I AM a woman, ma.. don't you see? And I'm going to marry Eun Hyuk!" :)

Buhahaha.. mama was like,, "Whatever.."
Whatever, I'm in love with Eun Hyuk and I am going to marry him. Bow. Ü

I just came across the whole YouTube and Google, just to search for My Love.. ^^
Let us call him My Love na lang para di masyadong halata na obsessed ako. :D
At siya lang naman ang most search sa pc ko.. I don't even want to clear cache! Mas matagal ang loading kapag nag-clear cache ako.. ^^

Hey, I'm going to marry this guy. :)

I'll prove that to you in the not-so-distant future..

Just wait.. ^_^

____________________

July 6th

You know why I still have the thing in my head even though I'm suffering from this disease?

Because out of 365 days in a year, things usually fall the same day. So I don't have to worry about those dates.

Three years ago, I was.. I was..

Whatever.

I was in a situation you would never likely imagine to happen, but it happened and there's no forgetting about it even though I tried every ways to forget it. I was never been successful though.

Hayy, I just can't forget that thing that I'm wondering what the hell am I doing right now? Putting it here?..

Though it happened three years ago, to be exact, I still call it a nightmare. Something you would never forget the rest of your life. And I feel so sorry about myself..

How I wish it never happened. How I wish, things fall apart the normal way, not that way.

And then today.. Haha! I just can't believe. Why on earth do it have to be like this????

Today, the nightmare just came and visited me like a ghost companion.

What should I do? Tell me so I can get over with this and continue with my life.

I hate to say this but there's no other way to get through these things than accepting it..

For that not-so-distant future..

I'll be someone everyone knows.

You will never have a day in your life when you don't here anything about me..

You'll see my face everywhere..

For that someday, I'll be good enough.

Not for you, but for someone I deserve and who deserves me.

Hail to the day you've gone out of the wind..

I became more stronger that ever. ^_^

God is always with you, seen or unseen, saint or sinner. Giving you air, supporting your footsteps, nourishing you with sunshine, God is here with you. The separateness you sometimes feel is an illusion, in truth you are never alone. 

__________________________

Never Imagined..

My.. can't say what exact words to describe this.
Should I say sorry for being this? Or be as proud like a spineless shrimp?
Maybe I should say this again, "I'm sorry.."
That no matter how many times my effort was and will be, it'll be useless, and useless, and useless.
Useless.

Useless dude.
I'm useless. I'm spineless. I'm miserable. I'm.. nothing. Nothing.

So fed up with my daily situations.
So exhausted with my messy and dysfunctional life.

Already it's July and there's nothing we can do about it. Time's running and here I am, wasting again my already-wasted time..

Oh, I saw Madel yesterday. She looks like Pim. Gosh.. what's the matter with the world? Every one's looking like the other.. And I find it really hard to distinguish people nowadays!

I'm in love. Like I was always been. I think, I am in love all my life.. just that feelings occasionally change to whom I am in love with.

Here comes the boy-who-look-like-a-girl.. to whom I am so much into with, recently. And the pretty boy who uses lip balm every time he pops up in the window..
And the girl. Oh, I'm turning into like that again..


Not only I'm in love with people, but also to things, my..
If I can just marry my mp3 player.. If I can just put my guitar under my skin.. and if I can just eat that book. Then.. I'm lost.


Dude, I want to kill myself. I want to hold my breathe until I get to like breathing..
Last night, I ask Bibz and Wini Da Pu.. what is it like to hold your breath? Following the rhetorical -slash-statement that 'Is holding your breath, knowing you ACTUALLY holding your breath will do no good than breathing again because you can NOT DIE just holding your breath..'


watebuurrr..


I also asked them what is it like to hang yourself?
Pointing to the fact hidden in the question 'What is it like to die?'


Dude, I'm really losing it. And I'm sorry about that.
I did and still doing my very best every single day just to make it through..
Just to make it through.
Is it ironic to say 'Just to make it through'?
When as all we know we're going to die soon or later?

But still, I want to DO something.
I want to.. But I can't.
Timeless times..

Hey, you. Yes you. :)
I will play it the rest of my life if that's what you want.
I will wait for that moment to come.
And while I'm waiting for you..
I'll do everything to be good enough.
Though it looks like I'm going to hang myself after this post.. I push again myself to the limit to make it through the day..

It's hard to forgive..
help.

How did I get so corrupted??

________________________