April 30

I was looking at my cellphone after I arrived from work. Actually, it was a stare that can dig a hole in my cellphone's LCD if I kept staring at it this morning. Nag-rak n' rol ako kanina sa trabaho, meaning.. halos magkapalit na yung keyboard at ulo ko sa sobrang antok ko. Patawad. Pero talagang antok na antok ako kanina..

At nalaman ko sa aking mahiwagang cellphone na katapusan na pala ngayon. Sana pati na din ng buhay ko. Para astig. Diba? Ü

Nalaman ko din kanina na.. marunong din pala akong magkagusto sa tao... Ewan ko ba. Di ko gusto nararamdaman ko. Grr..

Mayo na bukas at malapit na talaga akong mawala sa sarili ko. I'm loosing it, dude.. My mind can't take these things anymore that's why my mind keep begging me if I could give it a break. Yes, break. Mukhang iiwan na ako ng pagiisip ko.. magliliwaliw muna daw siya. :D

Ang masama eh kung hindi na sya bumalik..

 To be honest.. napapadalas na ang pagkamalilimutin ko..
At least, nasabi ko din ito dito. Nakakatakot. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko kung bigla na lang makalimutan ko ang lahat. Pati na ang password ng blog ko.. Hay..



Help! I'm begging for your help!!

____________________

Torpedo

Eraserheads

Pasensya na
kung ako ay di nagsasalita
Hindi ko kayang sabihin
ang aking nadarama.

Wag mo na akong pilitin
ako ay walang lakas ng loob
para tumanggi.
Walang dapat ipagtaka
ako ay ipinanganak na torpe
sa ayaw at hndi.

Pasensya na kung ikaw
ay naiinis ayoko na sanang
pag usapan pa
Kung gusto mo ay manuod
ka na lang ng sine
diba huwebes ngayon
baka may bago ng palabas.

Huwag mo na akong pilitin
ako ay walang lakas ng loob
para tumanggi
walang dapat ipagtaka ako ay
ipinanganak na torpe diyan
sa tabi tabi.

Pasensya na kung ako
ay naiiyak mababaw lang talaga ang luha ko
di ko mapigil ang aking damdamin
pwede bang umalis ka na at
tumutunog na ang beeper ko
pasensya na ahhhh ohhhhhhhhh

__________________

3 More Months..☺

울고 있다 참고 있다
고갤 든다 아프게 웃는다

노을빛 웃음 온 세상 물들이고 있다

보고 싶다 안고 싶다

네 곁에 있고 싶다 아파도

너의 곁에 잠들고 싶다

- 너는 나의 봄이다

____________________ 





 

Scar

BOIS

I turned around many times already
I laughed like it was nothing
Even if I lied to my heart without words

Are you wandering because you don’t know my heart

Suddenly I’m afraid, saying I love you
They’re not words I’m used to saying

With hardened lips, I love you, I love you
I am shouting those words on your back

Because we breathe the same air
It would be too much to ask for more
As love keeps growing without knowing
Only scars are coming back

Even though I’m hurt, I’ll be here
I can only smile when I’m next to you
Can’t be happy, can’t be changed
You’re the one I chose

My bruised heart is full of scars
When I look back, there are only tears
I can’t see because you can’t find me
Even my love hides right away
Because we can breathe the same air
It would be too much to ask for more
As love keeps growing without knowing
Only scars are coming back

Even though I’m hurt, I’ll be here
I can only smile when I’m next to you
Can’t be happy, can’t be changed
You’re the one I chose

Trying hard to hide my tears
Are you passing by
I turned around without telling you
Even today I’m still there

Filling my heart with tears
I put those words in my heart
I pass by like it was nothing
And then I beat my chest
Can’t be happy, can’t be changed
You’re the one I chose

_____________________

Dear Mama..

Gusto kong ikwento sa'yo ang lahat ng nangyari. Lahat ng totoong mga nangyari. Maniniwala ka ba? O mas maniniwala ka sa kanila.. Naisip kita noong nasa Conference room kami. Sana nandun ka, kasi alam kong ipagtatanggol mo ako. Pinilit kong ngumiti, pinaglaban ko ang sarili ko, nagsabi ng totoo. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit parang kulang pa. Noong mga oras na iyon, kailangan ko kayo. Kailangan kita.. Pero nangyari na. At wala akong nagawa kundi tanggapin ang lahat ng sinabi nila.

Naisip ko tuloy bigla, para akong modern Jose Rizal. Kulang na lang magpagawa ako ng sarili kong rebulto at makatanggap ng The Woman Who Has The Longest Patience Award.. Pero hindi. Dahil hindo ganoon umiikot ang mundo, hindi ba? Kahit alam kong magiging mahirap ang bawat araw, itinuloy ko pa din. Kasi alam kong tama. Pero ang pagiging tapat ko wala ding pinatunguhan. Pinaliit nito ang mundo ko at pinakumplikado ang buhay ko.. How I wished you were there like when I was 13 years old.

And then life became so complicated then. They don't want me to transfer into another group and yet they keep on pushing me away. I don't know where to stand. I hate them.. I hate them.

Pinapahirapan nila ako. At wala akong magawa. Wala kasi wala akong lakas para isakripisyo ang lahat. Nakarating na ako dito.. kaya hindi ako pwede umalis na lang ng basta-basta. At the first place, hindi naman sila ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandun. But.. it's just that I can't stay anymore..

Tell me to leave, and I'll do it instantly. Just tell me.
Because no matter how many people tell me to leave, I won't. You know why? Because there's something about staying.. No matter how long would it take for me to stay.
But then, just tell me, and I'll leave.

You know why I keep on saying that I'll stay, because of you. It was all because of you..
How I wish you can see the pain in my heart. My chest aches from time to time.
How I wish you can see the pain through my eyes every time you look at me.
And how I wish you could also feel the heartaches.. the pain.. the hatred in me.

And yet I can't show those feelings to you because it's too much. No mother in this world could bear so much pain that their daughter carry, I guess.

So I should fight until the end, Mama. I should fight until it's over.. for you.
And how I wish you can see me fighting all these troubles. You just got a warrior daughter in me. :)

I love you. Sana masabi ko din ito sa iyo..
That's why I keep on going.. going and fighting.



♥.. Elleine

"I couldn’t ignore those hopeless and cold calculations of the world.."

____________________

Wealth does not come from your bank account, wealth comes from the depth of your heart. 

What you really want is happiness. You might believe that a fat bank account will get you there, but that's false. Happy people are happy rich or poor, unhappy people are unhappy rich or poor. Money simply masks your real being by giving you activities to occupy your mind. Don't fool yourself, recession or not, your true wealth comes from your heart and is always only there.  

- via Facebook

____________________

Easter 2011.

Easter na lang. 'Wag na nating lagyan ng Happy ang Happy Easter. I'm not happy, so my Easter Sunday, too.
I don't know why is it so hard for me to be happy. Why? I just DO NOT know..

I hated this feeling and yet this feeling was so familiar to me it was like my every day companion. Whenever I feel like happy, I end up being sad because I'm so vulnerable to everything that looking to an old woman in the street make me cry instant. So there's nothing to be happy for. Just like that.

Anyway, I just figured something out. Maybe I really DO NOT know what I really want that's why I can't be happy. Maybe I just have to figure out what I REALLY want.. Seek it. Find it. Look after it..


Argg.. I hate this! I hate this!
I hate the people at work. Or maybe I just hate myself too much that I can't even forgive myself.. Damn. I already told you these things.. and yet I'm still writing these here. AHHH...


Help me..
Help me..

____________________

Here I Am

Yun Sang Hyeon, Secret Garden OST

Here I am, In this place, Here I am
Here I am , In this place, I’m here.

Here I am, in this place, Here I am
Here I am, In this place, I’m here now

Even if it’s not enough
I’ll show how much I really love you
You may never know but
Here I am

Here I am, In this place, Here I am
Here I am , In this place, I’m here.

Even if it’s not enough for me to show
How much I really love you
I’ll just wait for you in this place.

Even if you think it’s not enough, it’s fine

I’ll show how much I really love you
You may never know but
Here I am

You may never know, but Here I am

----

ROMANIZATION

Here I am yeogi here I am
Here I am naega yeogie
Yeogi inneunde

Here I am jigeum here I am
Here I am jigeum yeogie
Naega inneunde

Nal dajweondo mojara
Nal beoryeodo mojara
Naega neol eolmamankkeum saranghaneunjireul
Moreulgeoya ama neol
Here I am

Here I am yeogi here I am
Here I am naega yeogie
Yeogi inneunde~

Nal dajweondo mojara
Nal beoryeodo mojara
Naega neol eolmamankkeum saranghaneunjireul
Gateun jarieseo neol kidarilkke

Nal yokhaedo gwaenchanha
Nal beoryeodo gwaenchanha
Naega neol eolmamankkeum saranghaneunjireul
Moreulgeoya ama neon
Here I am

Moreulgeoya ama neon

***

Just missing  my long hair. I recently cut my hair short. Too short that every one I got to see while walking was disappointed. They even told me that I should go again to the salon and trim my hair until I look like Benjie Paras! Hahaha.. they are so annoyed, they usually glare at me. =D

_____________________

Just found this E-mail..

This should be "The  Picture of the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the  Decade." It won't be.   In fact, unless you obtained a  copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.

The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's  mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta .  She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure.  Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville,  he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.


During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via  C-section and makes  a small incision to operate on the  baby.  As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger.  Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his  life, and that for an instant during the procedure he  was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity.  The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text  explaining the  picture begins, "The tiny hand of  21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the  mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if  thanking the doctor for the gift of life." Little Samuel's mother  said they "wept for days" when they saw the  picture.  She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy  isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person."
Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent  successful.

Now see the actual picture, and it is  awesome...incredible....and hey, pass  it on.  The  world needs to see this one!
 
"Before you were formed in the womb, I knew you."  - God


Don't tell me my God isn't an awesome God!!!!!

"A simple line can make you laugh or cry..."

"Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much it means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings.."
 

- Flying Without Wings, Westlife

____________________

Maundy Thursday feels like hell.  ~.~

____________________

And my misfortunes are keeping me from you..
And my misfortunes are spoken in half truth..

I was never been the type of person who would always show made up. I was never been the center of attraction as I hated that thing. If you could only see me, maaawa ka lang. I don't like dressing up as if I'm going to an event. And even if I'm going, I wouldn't be dressing that much. I am such a cry baby and the saying, "Be a blessing to others" doesn't apply to me. I was always been the pain-in-the-ass-kid. Swear. You would never like me. I'm not easily interested into something, just like the way I simply don't appeal interesting to others. I'm even wondering right now if something has ever interests me.. I guess, it never happened.

I'm saying these things because they are true.

That's why I want to take a rest for awhile.
I want to quit my job. I want to spend all the money I've saved in the bank and throw a huge party.
I want to sing all night.
I want to use the jumping rope I just bought last week, and tired myself until I can happily sleep.
I want to memorize a simple song and learn to play it in my guitar, because I can't use that guitar since I don't know how to play it. It was always out of tune and no one cares to tune it. (Can you?)
I want to use all the pen I've bought since my first pay day. I've realized hindi pa pala nauubos iyong tinta ng unang bolpen na binili ko..
I want to vandalize the mirror in the comfort room in our office.
I want to cut that fucking internet connection cord so that my office mate would never mind connecting it again because it was broken.
I want to shout in the whole production before I go.
I want to curse all the people there.
I want to buy all those crappy food in the cafeteria.
I want to tell Ninang Guard that she's the best guard in the whole world and thank her for everything.
I want to scream right now..

And I want to forgive myself.
And tell them that they can never hate me as much as I hate myself.

But I can't. I just can't.


I thought, having these things, this job would make my life easier to breathe, but I was wrong.
Getting out of this shitty thing would actually make my life easier and happier as it was before.

And how I wish I could just waste my time dreaming na lang. Umupo sa likod-bahay at maghapon na uminom ng kape habang nakikinig sa mp3. Sana ganoon lang kadali ang lahat. Sana..

I think I need medication. I wanted to go to the hospital and confine myself.. my body there. That maybe.. that place is the best to restore myself. But also maybe, they won't allow me. I would just gonna waste their time..

I blame myself for everything. I hate myself that much that if I have ever had a  Fans Club, it would be an Anti-Fans Club and I would be the president of my very own Anti-Fans Club. ☺

I wish I can forgive myself. I wish..
At kung pwede na itong pang-Eulogy ko.. Pwede kaya yon? Ako mismo? Hehe..

Hay.. Salamat na lang at kahit papaano may nakakaunawa. Salamat...
Talaga naman.. why does life can't just give me some choice?
Not that fucking choice that they say??

Aww.. I just figured out that these won't work either. So I'll be leaving soon.
Soon.

____________________

There are things that are just simply perfect.

Goodbye

The Melody 

oh I love you
Endless time
I lose my mind
Because of you
oh I want to kill myself
you are the only love
in my life
the only thing there is night
my love you are every
breath that I
take oh I love you

if you go say good bye
but you know this
I will always love you
bye bye if you go
say goodbye
but you know this
I will always love you

When it’s hard to say anything
And when I want to see you
Can’t say anything
Can’t do anything
I can’t do anything at all)

everyday every night
every single day I want you
please don't leave me alone
don't leave me alone
I want you
I need you love you
I'm gonna take you

if you go say good bye
but you know this
I will always love you
bye bye if u go
say good bye
but you know this
I will always love you

oh I want to kill myself
I am just singing
I love youoh I love you
Endless time
I lose my mind
Because of you
oh I want to kill myself
you are the only love
in my life
the only thing there is night
my love you are every
breath that I
take oh I love you

if you go say good bye
but you know this
I will always love you
bye bye if you go
say goodbye
but you know this
I will always love you

When it’s hard to say anything
And when I want to see you
Can’t say anything
Can’t do anything
I can’t do anything at all)

everyday every night
every single day I want you
please don't leave me alone
don't leave me alone
I want you
I need you love you
I'm gonna take you

if you go say good bye
but you know this
I will always love you
bye bye if u go
say good bye
but you know this
I will always love you

oh I want to kill myself
I am just singing
I love you

____________________

I hate NorCal!

My gosh. I'm going to kill them ALL. If I just can..
Ow.. of course I can. I just won't..  ~.~

Mga ogag na yun! Sarap lang manakit eh.
Mga animals sila!
Hayy. Nakakaasar talaga. Isama mo na si Mirasol, Jemma, Fath, Carol.. pati na ang pesteng Line Leader na fish.VIC. Damn them all. Grr.

Panira ng araw at buhay.
Pati na trabaho!
Leche!!


Naiinis ako! Gusto kong magbasag ng magbasag mawala lang itong galit at inis ko! HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!


Gusto ko talaga silang saktan!!!!

____________________

...that shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, - way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make 'share joy, half the sorrow' your motto for today.

____________________

Drive (D:)

Wala kaming masyadong orders sa trabaho kaya 5 hours lang naman ang petikz mode ko, over 8 working hours, minus na yung 1 hour break. Kung saan naka-41 minutes lang ako ngayong araw na ito. Woah. Hiningal ako dun...

Tsaka pala.. April 1 na pala ngayon. Di ko pansin. Di ko din ramdam. Damn.


Anyways.. marami akong nalaman sa work station ko.

Una, made-delete ang anumang files na meron sa Server, na hindi magagawa sa ibang PC kasi online yung folder.

Pangalawa. Dating PC pala ni ate Thynn iyon. Hehe..

Pangatlo. How could they save a LOT of pictures sa drive (D:), eh bawal ang nag-insert ng kahit na anong gadgets ????

Pang-apat. Nagtataka ako kung bakit maraming folders sa drive (D:).. bawal kaya yun. Tapos may folder pa na ang file name eh, "Baka mahuli ng Audit" .. haha. adik lang! Subject for termination pa naman din kapag nakita nila iyown..

Pang-lima. Sa sobrang dami ng folders eh nakakaaliw lang talaga. Ang daming laman. Mapa-kanta, laro.. may mga kwentong pang-porn pa. Take note, may pictures pa! Quotes at kung anu-ano pa.. tsaka mga quiz sa excel. Kaka-aliw. Ü

Share lang.
Wala kasi akong maidaldal ngayong unang araw ng Abril.. :)

____________________