Confessions..
balik na naman ako sa pangangarap..
ng mga bagay-bagay sa mundo..
in the past 2 years, I found the world's most 'dirtiest word' , and they're still existing as 'good words'..
I find it hard to associate those as 'good words' if for me they are 'dirty words' maybe 'cause I experienced things most likely would not happen to other people..
Ambition is my dirtiest word so far..
ambition is what? I usually read this in slam books.. on my elementary year book. heard it on radios..
but hey.. what is the real meaning of ambition?
wala naman talaga.. tumingin pa ako sa dictionary ng meaning nito pero di pa din ako ma-satisty..
What is your ambition?
at kapag tinanong na ako ng ganyan.. isang matagal na pagtitig lang ang gagawin ko sa'yo..
wala akong masasabi.. as in, WALA.
I remember my sister, we're on the jeep riding back to Muntinlupa to spend our weekend on our house their.. We usually do this every week when we were young. Mama and Bibz is with us, like an out-of-town 2 days vacation..
Noong nasa jeep na kami, madalas talaga 'yong naguunahan sa pagsakay, na para bang wala ng jeep na darating pa tapos si manong driver naman, dahil alam niyang pag-aagawan siya ng mga pasahero, sige naman ang patakbo kaya nagtatakbuhan din mga pasahero, naguunahang makasakay.
I was so tiny back then, so mama would pull me up, as if I were some kind of plastic bag na inihagis lang!hihi..
Nang makasakay na kami, tinanong ni Ludingz si mama kung bakit ganoon ang ginagawa ng mga tao, naguunahan sila sa pagsakay sa jeep, na bakit wala sa ayos ang pagsakay. Then mama promptly answered, "kasi walang nagaayos, dapat inaayos yan ng Presidente natin para hindi ganyan na naguunahan ang lahat kapag sasakay ng jeep." I could still recollect that words.. Then Ludingz ask again, "paano ba maging presidente? gusto ko maging presidente para ako na lang ang aayos.."
She was only 9 and I was 7 at that time but I can still remember that conversation..
What an ambition.. but she ended up studying Nursing..
so what's ambition?
can anyone tell me what is it?
I'm not against with my sister..
I guess it's because we were that toddler that we don't know what we're saying, right?
another story was when I was still on Kids for Christ..
someone ask me what are my ambitions, and I was so out-of-this-world that I didn't mind answering him..
because I don't know..
really..
I don't know if I have ambitions..
para sa akin, hindi sapat na tanungin mo ang isang bata kung ano ang ambisyon niya..
dahil sa pagdaan ng panahon ang lahat ng ito ay nagbabago..
maraming pangyayari sa buhay na nakapag-papabago sa ating mga desisyon at higit sa lahat, sa pagtingin natin sa mga bagay sa mundo..
tugunan ang dapat na tugunan sa bata ng malaman niya na may options pala..
alam ko medyo disjointed na pero paki-unawa na lang..
papa wanted for me to be a teacher..
so he planted on my mind that "I WANT TO BE A TEACHER.."
he even told me that I said it..
when? I can't even remember that I said that..
I remember pa nga noong 8 years old ako..
I want this super gandang limited collection na color pastels..
kaso wala akong pera para mabili yon..
I beg papa to buy it for me but he didn't..
saying, "it's just a waste of money.."
Every kid wants to draw.. and color..
but what happens is it's beaten out of you..
do this..
write this..
draw this..
you have to be like this..
take this..
as if I want those things?
you never even cared to listen what I want..
and came for the conclusion that
ambition is a dirty word..
every thing is beaten out of you..
and it is something you can never do about..
I hate it.
no one ever in this world ask me what I want.
what I want to do..
what I want to take..
what I want to be..
Maybe, if papa bought me that limited pastel collection, mas magaling na ako ngayong gumamit ng pastel..
do you get the point?
that's why I can never succeed into anything.. just like a trash and for nothing..
because I just can't sit and do what they want me to do..
I even try to do 'yong mga pinagagawa nila pero hindi ko magawa ng mabuti dahil hindi 'yon ang gusto ko..
hindi 'yon ang nasa puso ko..
so the word ambition is dirty..
the word ambition is on the mouth of 'nag-uutos..'
kaya ng mapansin nilang wala na akong magawang maayos dahil katawan ko na lang ang kumikilos at hindi na ang isip ko..
I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my dreams, too. They thought I would end up in the hay.. wandering in the world because I was left out..
Well, things has its own turns..
I believe in that..
I don't mind what other people would say about me..
I don't want to waste my life like I have been..
I want it to be a revolution.. not just an evolution..
I want to change things as people perceived me I was..
and be the person I want to remember..
because in the end..
that's the most important thing..
- elleine
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